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if your mom and you aren't talking then you probably don't want to ask for help financially. Besides, asking for help financially means your parents get say in the wedding too, which in my experience causes even bigger drifts between the parent/child relationship. If I could do everything over I would have never accepted my parents money and we would have paid for everything ourselves. Would have made planning soooo much easier.
We actually didn't discuss it with our parents at all. We felt like it was our responsibility to pay for our own wedding, and we are paying for it all on our own. My parents have offered to pay for a menu upgrade and we will happily let them do that because it will make them happy.
Hmm, I don't know that I ever asked, it was more assumed. Just wasn't sure how much to expect. They paid for my older sister's wedding 10 years ago, so it was just assumed they would be paying for it. Since we are broke recent college graduates we won't be contributing much, if anything. So our wedding is pretty much, just how ever much my parents were willing to spend on each thing.
@ Ms Mini-- My FI and I felt the same way. We didn't feel right asking our parents for money. My mom did offer to help out a little bit if she could for smaller things.
About 2 weeks after the big day I went to my parents and worked out a budget and they nearly fell over, but have come along for the ride. This is the first wedding in our family, so they were blissfully unaware of all the details. His parents offered to help out wherever we needed- the next day after the engagement. Big differences with the two families in what they are expecting, but it is working out so far. We basically have: his parents take RD and alcohol for the wedding; mine did food, cake, venue, and dress; and we are covering officiant, flowers, dj, and misc. expenses.
We are paying for the entire wedding ourselves, but my parents did contribute $300 towards my $600 dress. My parents don't have a ton of money, and FI parents don't either. We are fine with paying for it ourselves, and it was never a expectation that they would pay for it. But sometimes I can't help but be envious of other couples who have families who pay for the whole thing.
Thanks guys. I am not expecting anything fro my family, but being a really poor graduate student (repetitive) it would sure help. With no help we will probably have to have a ridiculously long engagement. I am very prudent with my money and have already started planning a very low budgeted wedding of $2,000-4,000. I guess I will just wait and see, and if we have to be engaged for 3 more years, oh well. :P
i knew my parents would pay, they paid for my brothers. but i still didn't have to ask, my dad came up to me one day and gave me a deal about how we could do the budget. i got lucky.
I just asked my parents how much they would be able to contribute. I never actually asked for a set amount.... however they surprised me by offering a lot more than I had anticipated them contributing.
We are paying for the whole thing ourselves. We both graduated college and have good jobs and fully expected to pay for it. His parents have offered to pay for the rehearsel dinner which was sweet and unexpected. We have a $12,000 budget and a 2 year engagement to get there but it'll be all so I'm exctied. I know if someone else was paying I'd do what they wanted and not what I wanted so its good in that way.
It was always sort of understood that they were going to pay for it all, meaning they'd get a lot of veto power. They are older, very traditional, and I come from a very very large family (extended, not immediate-- only two daughters here), and that's just how it was always done. I'm very grateful for their generosity, and I'm sure to thank them for it every time a wedding related transaction occurs. Sure, there are times when the old man gripes about things, and I tell him "Ladders are pretty cheap! We can always elope if you want," which I say not at all as a threat but as a joke, like, you say the word and we scale down!
I'm also a poor graduate student and FI is a high school teacher at a public school. We approached both sets of parents and asked them (1) what expectations if any they had about the wedding (i.e. did anyone want 300 guests?, be devastated if there was not live music?), (2) what if anything they felt that they could contribute. We felt that we could pay for a very small wedding on our own but there was no way we could pay for a massive guest list. I definitely did not demand money from anyone, I just let them know realistically what we could pay for on our own. Once our famiies let us know what they wanted to contribute, I asked them if there was anything specific they wanted their money to go toward. For example, my dad really wants to pay for good wine and FI's mother really wanted beautiful flowers so I am putting their contributions towards those things while FI andI pick up other costs. I think this has worked well and has resulted in a good collaboration between me and FI, my family and his family.
@Katiebug- I like that way of doing things. I would never ever demand or expect money, and that sounds like a good way to make the family feel included without letting them run you over.
this is something I am finding is totally different for everyone - and that is their relationship with their parents...for example - my parents and I have a very close relationship and when I need it my mom still gives me money "just because" (i know some don't agree, but it's how our relationship is...) whereas my husband's parents TOTAL opposite and he's been extremely financially independent since around the age of 17.
I really don't have an answer or advice...with my parents it was more "ok, what are you paying for?" not really asking them to help - just more a i knew they would no questions sort of thing...dh's parents however - I know not to expect anything from them whatsoever - we won't even ask.
we are going to be paying for as much as we can and my parents are picking up the rest.
that's just us though.
Soon after we got engaged, we asked the three sets of parents (my mom/stepdad, my dad/stepmom, and FI's mom and dad) over for a wedding planning related dinner. We were actually planning on paying for the wedding ourselves as we are both finished school and working. They definetely were not having that, so together we worked out a budget and we split it 4 ways so that everyone is contributing the same amount, including FI and I. It is completely different for everyone though, our parents were all pretty comfortable discussing money together because they have spent a lot of time together and are all good friends and we have been together a long time. For some parents, this would be a very awkward situatuion.
My parents offered before we were even engaged. We knew exactly what they would contribute. FI asked his mom after if she wanted to help, and she said yes, that she would do $xx amount. It was never a big deal, I guess.
We are both in graduate (law/med) school and so aren't rolling in the money at the moment. I set a $20,000 budget for us and I asked my parents to pitch in $5,000 and he asked his parents to pitch in $5,000, and the other half I am paying myself from my savings. Neither family offered, we had to ask. His family was more resistant than mine.
I think it's sexist for the bride's family to pay for everything, and if my fiance's family had expected them to do so, I would have sooner cancelled the wedding than given in. I think the 25/25/50 split is rational and fair. Because I'm paying for half of it, it forces me to internalize the costs and gives me a strong incentive to keep costs down. But the fact that our families are both contributing the other half recognizes that perhaps I, as a law student, should not be on the hook for feeding our parents' brothers and sisters.
I knew we need(ed) their help, so I went to them about it. The way I brought it up was simply to say, "You know J and I are talking about getting married, and traditionally it's the Bride's parents who help pay for the wedding. I know you probably can't answer me right now, but I was wondering if you'd consider whether you can help us with this or not." Then we changed the subject and a few weeks later they called back and said they'd talked to some friends of theirs and 'figured out' how much a wedding would cost in our area. (Their figure is about 1/3 of what most sites I've seen estimate for the average wedding cost in our community, haha.) That's what they offered us.
We of course very graciously accepted, and it's been smooth sailing since then. My mom and I don't always get along, so they kind of said they're willing to help, but don't want to be too involved ("It's up to you to decide how to spend this. If you want to spend it all on flowers, that's your choice."), probably because they recognize the potential for drama. I really appreciated that too. :)
My guy and I are planning on paying for everything - if the parents at some point offer to help hey, great, but we're not counting on it.
i also won't ask my parents for money. I am sure they'll throw in a bit of cash because they helped with my step sister's weddings. We'll see sometime in the next few years after M proposes I suppose...
I never expected anyone to contribute, and still haven't formally asked either. But, based on some off-handed comments from both my side and his, pretty sure both sets are willing and able to contribute at least a little. For example, before we were even engaged we were talking to his mom and made some comment about getting married and her response was "Well, not anytime soon I hope. Since I can't afford a wedding right now" so, I was a little surprise she was willing to help out. My father, hasn't said anything officially other then "You two (me and my sister) need to pick out a dress you'll both wear so you can share" which I really really hope was just a joke.
We didn't discuss it with my parents beforehand--I felt like I shouldn't really be asking them for money when they paid for my undergraduate degree. That was a big one! When we got engaged, mom asked us about plans, then they were like, "well if you get married in Jamaica, we'll pay for all of us to go" (all of us meant immediate family only, but no attendants) and we were like "Um no....we want to get married in St Louis" (his gparents are too old to fly...) and they said, "okay, hope you have enough money....we think you're wasting your money and being foolish having a big wedding". So that's how THAT went. My parents have plenty of money--they just don't agree with the principal of a "large" marriage. They did pay for my $400 wedding dress and our $4,000 honeymoon, but that was all a last-minute "oh we want to pay for THAT" right when i was whipping out my credit card (to ensure I didn't take advantage of their generosity beforehand me thinks), so I was pleasantly pleased with that. I guess they were more willing to pay for specific things *they* felt were important (ie a honeymoon) than just giving us some money.
But, if you don't have a strong relationship with your parents (particularly that you haven't talked to your mom since APRIL. How is it with your dad?), what makes you think they're going to even want to give you money? And what makes you think it's okay to ask when you have a strained relationship? Personally, if I had a daughter than I hadn't spoken with since April, ther'es no way i'd be all "oh sure honey, here's $1,000!" beacuse I'd see it more like "oh she is using the wedding to come back to me and only wants money"
I suppose it was more implied in our case. My fiance and I both have siblings who are married and both my parents as well as his contributed to their weddings. That said, we knew that they would also want to contribute to ours. FI and I came up with a number that we were comfortable with contributing and then asked our parents to think about it and do the same. That is how our budget materialized. I would say that our split is similar to that of @chicagobride092010 with a 20/20/60 split.
My mom and I talked about it years before so I knew that they weren't going to be able to contribute much. So I actually have been saving for years for my wedding. Husbands parents straight up told him "the brides family pays for the wedding," so we know that they didn't want to contribute anything to the wedding.
Husband did think that his parents were going to give us a cash gift towards our honeymoon, but I'm glad we didn't budget for that supposed gift, because they got us these weird platters instead.
My Mom brought it up. We planned to pay for the entire thing ourselves and were just working under that assumption. Then Mom told us she'd pay for $5,000 of it, to which we replied that no, she didn't need to do that, to which she replied that she knew she didn't have to but she wanted to, to which we replied that we didn't want her to feel obligated, to which she replied it was her joy and we had to let her. It was sweet :-)
My parents offered to pay for it, so I didnt have to ask. I did have to ask what my budget was to make sure I was ok to start planning but that was about it. Good luck, I really hope this will bring you closer to your mom whether she is able to help with the wedding or not.
I didn't have to ask my parents, they just offered. My dad said that I could have whatever I wanted because he knew that I wasn't a big spender and didn't really want a lot of things. I hope that you and your mom can work on imporving your relationship whether or not she pays for any of the wedding.
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I am ticking down the days till I am actually engaged, but one thing I am can't figure out is if my parents will help pay for the wedding. This topic has never come up and I' not really sure. My parents are divorced and my dad has a new baby (2yrs old), my mom is in the process of buying a new house....so not really the best time financially. To top it off my mom and I haven't been talking since April...awkward... I am hoping helping with the wedding can bring us back together again.... anyway.... wondering how you guys approached your parents about the subject of helping with the wedding.. thanks!