Post # 1
I’ve been dating my Boyfriend or Best Friend for a little over a year now. I know that he is the one, because I love him dearly, I’m not scared of committing to him & I’ve never felt this way before. He’s 12 years older than me, has been married before (it ended well), has an established career, his own home, etc… so it’s not like he is waiting to gain stability in any of those areas like most guys in their early 20’s.
The thing is, we don’t talk about our future together. He drops little hints when he says stuff like, “I see myself with you for a long time…” “Don’t you wanna grow old with me?” (said in a joking way) and then one time he asked me, “Later on, if we’re together for a while, or married, or whatever, would you be ok if I backpacked Europe with Adam?” (a friend of his). So…he makes little hints, but we haven’t had a real, serious talk about it, and I don’t know how to bring it up. How was it brought up in your relationship? Any advice? Thanks Bee’s!
Post # 3
honestly… i was way to terrified to bring it up! i just waited until something came into the conversation naturally, like we would be watching a wedding show, we went to a wedding, we hung out with his friends with newborns, etc. we just had little conversations here and there, which was fine for us because we were only dating for 11 months, so if we were having all of these heavy marraige convos it would probably be weird. the night that we got engaged, we had this huge heart to heart about all of our major issues- kids, money, etc.
Post # 4
Personally – My SO and I have been together for 11 years (we started as highschool sweethearts) and over the course of time the future was always something that came up casually and then got more and more thoughtful over time. (We even have names for our non-existent kids), even so he didn’t seriously start thinking about marriage until I mentioned my ideal timeline for engagement, marriage, having kids a little over two years ago. According to my preferred timeline, engagement came a year after the conversation we had. He was still in the 20s mindset and got defensive like I was pressuring him into it too soon.
This made me dispair at the time, but I’ve come to realize it’s probably a pretty normal reaction. My SO had a sort of checklist of things that needed to happen before getting married. For him this included living on his own (versus living w/ roommates) and saving up enough cash to finance an ring and a wedding. Soon after, he rented an apartment on his own and started to have some serious conversations with me about saving money for a wedding, having conversations with parents, where we’d live once married, etc.
Logically, he knew he would marry me in the future and wanted to have a family with me, but that didn’t stop him from freaking out about it because he hadn’t thought of it as a tangible thing to consider in the near-term instead of something he’d like to do down the road.
Although this is just my personal experience – I advise you to have a serious conversation with your SO about his plans for the future and when he sees things happening at what time. Without any pressure, let him know what your wishes are but be prepared for him to get defensive and reinforce the fact that your just communicating your desires, but that living your life together as a family is something you want.
It could very well lead to a conversation that spurs frustration and tears but try to keep your cool as much as possible. Hear him out. Have him hear you out. If you can come to some sort of resolution at the end, great! But it might take him a while to come to grips with his feelings and realize OMG a life with you would be awesome! So give him the time to think about it and not mention weddings or engagement for a long while. (I inadvertently did this because I was so pissed at him, haha)
Hopefully, since your guy is more mature, it won’t be such a battle. Good luck!
Post # 5
i don’t think a girl should have to bring it up. but since he seems to be taking his sweet time, you should just bring it up kinda nonchalantly and matter-of-fact, NOT emotionally. then you can guage his reaction to have a better idea of where things are going! good luck!
Post # 6
I’m in a really similar situation to you. My guy is older and divorced, we’ve been dating for over a year, and he brings up marriage in ways similar to your guy. I’m lucky in that we were talking about marriage early on…but unlucky in that he finalized the divorced a few months before we met and it left him a financial mess to clean up.
All the advice I have is: carpe diem! If something about the future/timeline for kids/trips/etc. comes up, use it as a nice, natural way to bring up marriage. No worries. It may just be an older guy thing, haha. 🙂
Post # 7
This won’t be helpful, but the only reason it came up for us is when i got knocked up, lol.
Post # 8
Fiance and I were comfortable bringing this up from the beginning – we didn’t have “the talk” at all. On the night he asked me out, we took a walk, and I asked him what he envisioned this relationship becoming. He said, “I want to take it one day at a time and see what happens.” I agreed. That weekend, we took a trip together (we were friends before dating and had the trip planned already). We very openly talked about everything – from how we would handle our conflicting religions if we got married to having kids/pets to what kind of furniture each of us liked for a hypothetical future house. I was never afraid to bring anything up – I just said what was on my mind and so did he. In fact, that’s how I knew he was the one – we could talk about anything easily.
I personally think that a couple that can’t discuss all serious issues openly and comfortably is probably not ready to get married. So I might focus on getting to know him better and getting more comfortable in your relationship until you get to the point where you’re not afraid to bring up the future.
Post # 9
Like, GirlwithaRing, my Fiance and I have just had open communication from the very beginning. Our talks did begin a little bit like with a general “future” off in the distance, but by 6 months we were already talking about specifics. I think it’s important to have an open relationship where both partners are comfortable to talk about everything. Personally I think that if a couple can’t talk about anything with each other, they may not be ready to take such a big step.
Post # 10
I think you should just lay it on the table. I used our friends who were getting engaged as a segue, but I wish I had had the cajones to have just laid it out on the table long before that. I think the next time he makes a comment or a joke, you can feel free to stop him and say, “So about growing old together, when do you think might be a good time for us to start thinking about getting married?” Plain and simple.
Post # 11
I totally agree with Jaxx!
Post # 12
@mandalynn17- I totally feel comfortable talking about it, it’s just what if bringing it up scares him, ya know? I should know better because he’s more of the deep conversation starter than I am. He’s alll about communication, and at one point he has said to me, “I’d like to talk to you and get a feel for where you see yourself in 5 years…” (said after he noticed I was a little down in the dumps about our anniversary). It’s just the aspect of bringing it up.
I have a feeling once it’s brought up, it’s all down hill from there. I’m kind of anticipating a little chat on v-day. We got a room at a hotel in Lake Tahoe for a weekend, so being holed up in a hotel should prompt some kind of conversation…lol, in theory…
Thanks for all your input bees, I appreciate you guys posting your stories and advice!
Post # 13
We had a “talk” after a few months, but it was a fleeting “when we get married I want to wear a tux like in Dumb and Dumber” kinda thing. The REAL talk that actually counted didn’t come until much later but I feel that first talk was my gateway to bring up marriage but I was too naive and really not thinking of marriage myself and also was a way for him to get me to agree to an ugly pastel tux.
Post # 14
So I made some progress! lol
I have always wanted to “move” to New York for a month. Like rent out a sublett from someone just for one month to experience the city freely. Well, last night I asked him how he felt about it and he said he would miss me but would have no problem with it if it’s something I really wanted to do. And I said, well what if we happen to be sharing an income in the future. (he makes 4x what I make because I work part time and I’m in school) and he said, “if it’s important to you then it’s definitely something I would help you do.”
It just made me happy that he didn’t freak out or stutter the answer because he was so caught off guard. lol. That was my little sneak way of bringing it up.
Post # 15
@GirlWithARing — what religions are you and your fiance a part of? I’m part of an interfaith couple, so I’m really interested to hear how other interfaith couples handle those aspects of their relationship and life decisions.
@RenoRose — I agree with the other women – just tell him what you’re thinking. Most guys can’t handle a freak-out, but most (quality) guys, after a year of dating, should be able to handle a calm “this is where I’m at, where do you see this going?” talk.