Post # 1
So FI and his dad had a GREAT relationship when he was kid. However almost 3 years ago his parents got a divorce right before FI’s highschool graduation and his dad stopped trying to be apart of FI’s life. He had cheated on FMIL and FI was pretty upset about that and told his dad he needed some space but after 2 or 3 months FI reached out to him, they decided to do monthly dinners but it only lasted a month and then FFIL, cancelled one and didn’t make any effort in planning more. Since then they have probably spoken maybe once every 2 or 3 months and FI has probably seen him less than a dozen times. We quickly realized FFIL is an out of sight out mind kind of guy and although FI would like to have a relationship with him he feels like he shouldn’t have to be the one who ALWAYS makes contact, FFIL has started one texting conversation in 3 years, thats it, the rest has been FI and frankly he’s pretty tired of it.
When we got engaged FI didn’t tell his dad and let him find out on his. When he did, all he said to FI was “Heard you got engaged.” Nothing else but considering FI didn’t even tell him I understand his lack of excitement, FI now feels bad but doesn’t really regret it.
Well now we are about to really get into planning stuff and my parents and FMIL are going to be pretty involved. So I asked FI if he wanted to include his dad in some stuff or just send him the invite when it comes time. FI said we would probably just send a invite unless he asks about it. But I’m thinking since we’ve been engaged almost a year and a half and his dad doesn’t even know when we’re planning on getting married, hes not going to start asking about stuff now.
I’m afraid that excluding him from everything is just going to make FI feel worse, because he wants his dad around he just doesn’t want to force him or be the only putting any real effort into the relationship.
I guess what I’m most afraid of is that FFIL is going to get hes son’s wedding invitation in the mail and be hurt that he was completely excluded from everything and that will just make their relationship even worse than it is now.
If any of you bees have been in a similar situation, do you think I should encourage FI to try to include him just once and then see where it goes or just back off and let FI do what he wants?
FI will of course get the ultimate say in anything we do regarding his dad but I just want to see what you all think considering he still loves his dad very much and would like a relationship with him, he’s just tired of putting in all the effort, but I think for the sake of any future relationship they may have it might be worth one more try.
His dad is like the one black cloud hanging over our wedding day 🙁
Post # 3
I am planning my wedding without any of my family. It is gut wrentching at times.
How willing is your FI to talk about what he is feeling?
What is helpful for me is letting myself breakdown with my FI just to let of steam about it.
Also, the more he talks about it the easier time he will have in identifying specific things about not having him there that are the hardest. Then you can cater your plans around that.
One thing that is particularly painful for me is that I do not particularly click with his parents. They don’t feel like family to me at all yet. So whenever people would say “you are marrying into a whole new family” I hated it because this “new family” does not feel at all the same as my “old family.”
I mentioned early on to my FI that I might like eloping. Because that way it is JUST US. No emphasis on the painful family pieces. We might do this.
He is scared of hurting his family members though, so we might go really casual and small for our wedding with little to no emphasis on any of the “family blending” focused rituals. Ex: My Fiance will probably be the one to walk me down the aisle.
Obviously this is just our particular situation
Point is: Just talk with him and see if he can’t explore his emotions a little more. He does need to be the person to have the power in how it is handled. Don’t try and “help” too much. Otherwise he might end up more hurt in the end, or feel resentful.
Good luck you two. It’ll be ok in the end no matter what that end looks like
Post # 4
Men don’t typically want to be involved in those sorts of things. My husband and I didn’t include any family (we eloped). We didn’t want to deal with the drama of it all.
I do feel a little bad we didn’t go the more traditional route so we could include his mom, who I think was really looking forward to it. In the end, it all worked out though.
Post # 5
@iloverocks: Yeah he isn’t super involved but he is designing all of our invites, programs, menues, and thank yous. Him and his dad are artistic people and used to always show each other drafts and get opinions on things that could be changed and such and at times I catch him saying “I wonder if my dad would like this” When he gets done with a drawing. It makes me feel bad that he won’t get to in a sense design the stuff with his dad.
Post # 6
Many times father of the groom is not overly involved in wedding.
Post # 7
@juanita.kelly.9: Yeah but there is stuff that he would be involved in, like helping FI design the invites, programs, etc. It won’t be a huge void but there will be a void there that FI will feel.
Post # 8
I wouldn’t say he should be “involved” if he’s not really a part of FI’s life. However, I would give him a head’s up before he is sent an invite. Maybe something like “The wedding’s planned for July 11, I hope you can make it!” It’s a nice middle ground between trying to work with him and just coldly informing him via invite.