Post # 1
How did you find out how much your parents were going to contribute to your wedding? In response to the what did your parents contribute question, I just really want to know how people found out what they would be given!
I start this by saying that I am totally grateful for anything we are given, and I don’t expect anything.
HOWEVER. My parents (separated) have both said that they will contribute money. But it is 4.5 months to the wedding and they haven’t given anything, or given any indication of how much they will be giving.
I have tried bringing it up with them. We’ve been having venue troubles, and I’ve even said to them comments such as “it’s just hard to know how much we can afford” etc. But still NO indication of anything.
Should I just assume they are not giving anything, even though they said they were going to? Is there a way I can find out? I have tried to subtley bring it up whenever they ask about the cost of things, but aside from flat-out asking, which seems horribly rude, they are not giving me any clue!
We can afford the wedding on our own but what they contribute will be the difference of whether or not we get to have a honeymoon. Which of course we will want to book soon.
Is this the way it usually works with everyone else?
Post # 3
I think you should really just ask them in a nice, non-demanding way, because obviosly this is something you need to know to be able to plan ahead. Then at least you will Know one way or the other- I hate not knowing, so I would ask!
Post # 4
We talked and they told us what they could afford to given us towards the wedding. but either way we just set a budget that we knew we could afford and even with the help from our parents, we tried to keep the budget the same.
Post # 5
I would probably just ask and say I needed to know if we could affor a certain photographer or something and you don’t want to wait too long before someone else books them.
Post # 6
I had a hard time with this as well. My parents said they were going to help for a long time, 6 months go by and no notice, but ours had a suprise ending, they paid off the balance at the venue for our christmas present.
I would just sit down and be nice and polite and say “We really need a number for how much you can contribute to the wedding so we can plan accordingly. Can you figure this out this week and we will talk again on ____dayoftheweek___?”
It’s such an awkward convo because you dont want to seem liek you are grubbing for money!
Post # 7
I think you need to know your parents. My parents are not so open when it comes to discussing finances and I didn’t expect them to give us anything but in the process they offered to pay for the alcohol and ultimately gifted us an envelope of cash. DH’s paretns never offered to pay for anything and sicne they were spending so much to travel we didn’T expect anything more but they wrote us a check for $2k as a gift. Do you think your parents may plan to pay something off along the way or gift you $$. In your situation, I would be tempted to ask but I think it’s best to just go along as if you are paying and if they cover something it will be an added bonus. As far as the honeymoon, maybe you could chat about options you were considering with each of your parents and see if they offer to cover part or all of the trip as a wedding present. Maybe saying something like we’re deciding between X and Y but X is a bit more than we can afford after paying for the wedding so they know you need help. Honestly, if you don’t think they can afford to help, I would stay away from hinting about the topic all together. We knew his could afford to help more than mine but budgeted to pay everything ourselves.
Post # 8
It sounds like you really need to know and that your decisions will be based on what, if anything, they are able to contribute. I was definitely the same way and my mom (father is deceased) is so terribly awkward with money discussions. It’s THE WORST and so awkward but my suggestion is that you really do need to just bite the bullet and sit down and have an honest dialogue with them and say something like “You know that FI and I don’t think we deserve or expect any money from you for our wedding, but if you do think that you would like to be financially involved, it would be really helpful to know how much you think you could contribute.”
There’s no way around the situation’s awkwardness but you need to know! Good luck.
Post # 9
Hmmmm… my mom just outright said “I can’t afford to pay for your wedding, but I want to pay for your dress” and told me I could spend about $1000 and over that, I’d have to take over (single mom, teacher’s salary, takes care of my Grandma.. I thought this was REALLY generous) when we found my dress and with alterations it was going to be $350 (I know, I have no idea how that even happened, I was prepared to add 2k to my mom’s 1, I usually have expensive taste and didn’t want to settle for my wedding), she said she’d buy misc crap that I wouldn’t want to pay for like stamps, vases, candles, etc. Sometimes I would talk about she would offer, sometimes I would ask. My mom and I have a close relationship where we can do that though.
My dad said he’d pay for his friendor, up front- the limo, and said he’d pay for the pianist but couldn’t find one so he’s putting $100 towards the DJ, then when I gave him a one couple limit of friends he could invite (smallish wedding), he said he’d pay for anyone over 110 people if he could invite his friends
Kingy’s mom never said a word about contributing until she could tell I was struggling with flowers, she told Kingy she’d take $1500 off his debt (she helped him pay for oral surgery) to cover the flowers, which was also incredibly generous!
So our parents all offered, but we were never planning to ask any of them for money.. we’re very thankful though. I suggest that you are upfront with your parents, just say “Mom and Dad, I completely understand if you can’t, but I was wondering if you were planning to contribute to our wedding?” They’ll either say yes or no.
Post # 10
My mom is the same way. She has offered to give money but we have a ton of stuff booked and we haven’t recieved anything as of yet. She might be waiting for my dress to come in.. You are much closer to your wedding.. it wouldnt be rude for me to flat out ask how much they are intending to give.. just say although you are not expecting anything, they have offered and you would like to know how much so you can budget it in. Simple and to the point. I think parents might feel bad that they are not able to throw an elaborate lavished party for their children so they avoid things like.. IDK if we can afford this or that.. just ask.. it can’t hurt. If you don’t want to ask, then you should just assume that they are not giving anything and IF they do, it would be awesome!
Post # 11
I didn’t have to have this conversation with my mom. The night my FI called her to tell her he was going to propose she started putting money away for my wedding. when I told her I was thinking Nov 2012 she figured out how much she could save and said I’ll give you $X amount i’ll give more if i can (but she’s also going to throw me a shower as well so that can get pricey). My FI parents said they would pay for their side of the dinners, the church and some other stuff (they will also be hosting the rehersal dinner, but said they would be tapped out at $X. so i budgeted around what we could save and what they are giving us. My father hasn’t said anything but i know he gave my sister money each month after her wedding, not sure if he’s going to do that for me… he hasn’t said anything about helping which is unfortunate because he’s the one with 9 brothers and sisters so the biggest part of my guests… but I know i’m lucky between FI parents and my mom helping the way they are its going to pay for almost 1/2 the wedding. We would not be having the wedding we are with out their help. 🙂
Post # 12
I’m sorry you are having problems getting the money from your parents. It is never easy to ask for money. Especially after it has been promised to you and yet hasn’t shown up yet.
I am so grateful to my parents for how they handled the money situation. A few days after FI proprosed to me, my parents took us out to a nice dinner to celebrate. My mom brought me a stack of wedding magazines and a check for $5,000. They told me they were going to give us $15,000 in three installments. They gave us the first one right there, and then gave us the dates to expect the other two. My parents are always freakishly organized like that.
Post # 13
It was a hard discussion for us, too. We had to be somewhat pushy, but in a nice way. I would say something along the lines of ‘I just wanted to follow up as we’re finalizing our wedding budget and making deposits. I know you mentioned you could contribute, and if you can’t that’s fine.’ If they say they can, then ask for a general timeline to help you schedule your wedding deposits.
Post # 14
Rather than contributing a $ amount, my parents hosted a specific part of the event (cocktail hour). I made sure that it wasn’t something that would be a total financial crusher for them first too.
If you ask your parents, “Would you be willing to cover the venue?” (or whichever part of things you choose), they’ll have a deadline for contributing, and it might be less awkward than “How much money were you going to pony up, and when will you be sending it our way?”
Post # 15
I think you should just ask. If they’ve implied they were going to help in the past I think it’s safe to say they won’t be offended by your inquiry. Just say something like, “I know that you said you wanted to help support our wedding, so I was wondering what you think is reasonable?”
I had always known that my dad wanted to contribute significantly to our wedding, so when the time came to do a budget I was modest, yet frank with my dad. I said something like, “Dad I know you wanted to help out with the wedding and since I am doing my budget right now I was hoping you could help me to organize a reasonable plan?” I told him some of my options and what I wanted, but I also gave him a lot fo control over the budget because we’d be using a lot of his money. He actually surprised me by being pretty flexible with his contribution because I included him in many of our decision and he got to see how everything broke down cost wise. In the end it came down to what we needed v. what we wanted and how much money we would need to obtain that. In some cases he said to me, “If you come up with half, I’ll give you the rest.” There was also times where he said things like, “Do you really need that?”
My best advice would be to start involving your parents more so they get an idea of how much these things really cost. Be humble, but don’t be afraid to ask for their help and support. I did it this way and it worked out really well for us.
Post # 16
My dad told me they were going to contribute before we were engaged, so when we were in engaged, I just asked. “So, how much are you giving? We need to work out our budget.” He told me the number. I flipped out! Because I was getting married in NYC and it would cover NOTHING. I got it increased a tiny bit more, and then also found out how much my FMIL was going to contribute (the original amount my parents were going to give, actually). So that was that. We just asked. We knew we needed to figure out our budget, and since both of them had previously said they were contributing, I needed hard and fast numbers.
As we need the money, we tell our parents how much things cost. I keep track of how much my parents have contributed, to keep them updated, and once we reach that amount, the rest of the vendors and items will be paid for by my FMIL. When that money runs out, we’ll pay for stuff. Although, we are already paying for the rings and our honeymoon ourselves.