(Closed) How did you get over cheating?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1571 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I truly don’t mean to be a downer if you are really going to work to overcome this. I dated my now ex for 7 years. He cheated on me 5.5 years into the relationship. He came to me and admitted it (there is no other way I could have found out), begged for forgiveness, and swore he would never do it again. It was a really rough patch in our relationship but I was determined to get over it. We did kind of go back to normal on the day to day basis, but in my heart I never felt 100% secure in the relationship again. We broke up a little over a year later, and I found out months after that he had cheated on me with one of my (obviously not so) best friends a year after the original incident.

I hope to God things work out better for you, but since then I view cheating as a deal breaker. I think it’s super important to address the cause of the infidelity, maybe you could address that in couples counseling, if you are both willing to attend.

Post # 4
Member
10714 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

I tried so hard to get over my ex FI cheating on me but I couldn’t… I ended it. I still have a hard time trusting people… If you really want it to work try counseling, best of luck, hang in there! =)

Post # 5
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

My story is scarily similar to LMD84. He cheated, it was very heartbreaking and I forgave him. Tried and tried but I never stopped thinking about it every single day, for over a year. Finally ended up breaking up after I found out him and my actual best friend had slept together, after the other cheating incidents that I forgave him for.

I also hope it gets better for you, and isn’t at all like our stories. Counseling could really help you let it go.

 

Post # 6
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@redangel: To you all, you are great, brave, and sensitive women. 

TO ERR is human, to forgive is Divine 

Post # 7
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2011

The SAME EXACT THING happened to my best friend and her husband. Six months before their wedding she received a Facebook message from a girl claiming she was having an internet relationship with her fiance. She did some investigating on his computer and confirmed all of her claims. Through her research she found out that he basically created his ideal version of himself on the internet. He changed his name to Chase (presumably after Chase Utley the baseball player), said he was a personal trainer (in reality he went through a stunning weight loss and worked very hard with a trainer at one point in his life) and created this sob story about his dead beat fiancee that was totally financially dependent on him. In reality, she was working all day and going straight to grad school at night to get her Master’s degree and makes significantly more money than him. 

Long story shot – it was 6 months before the wedding and they had been together for five years so they went to counseling. They hashed out a lot of issues there and he was very sorry for his actions and my best friend also realized that she had been neglecting him to tend to her professional life. Not justifying what he did AT ALL but they learned that they needed to do some serious work on their communication. 

I’m happy to report they’re celebrating their one year wedding anniversary next month, he’s been a wonderful, loving and faithful husband and they’re planning to start trying for a baby in the Fall. 

Trust your instincts. If you feel like this was a bump in the road and something that won’t happen again then time will heal all wounds. Over time his actions will prove to you how dedicated to you and in love with you he is.  

Post # 8
Member
46 posts
Newbee

RedAngel,

I am 50 years old, I lurk on this forum as I have a couple of my children getting married in the near future, and I come on here just to read different topics, mostly DIY information and vendor stuff for ideas (plus how to be a decent MIL, but that’s another topic for another day).

I realize you don’t have any reason to believe me, or even think about anything I write, but for some reason, I felt compelled to join/register for an account after reading your post.  Maybe telling my story will help you – and a few other women too, who unfortunately have to go through this.

My husband and I met and started dating in 1990 – all of this happened before the personal computer/mySpace/FB/era-generation.  I worked 3rd shift at the front desk of a hotel, plus tutored, plus carried a 4.0 at college, and for the first 2 years we lived together, everything was perfectly fine.  Until I found some of his “club clothes” bunched up in a corner of the closet.  I KNEW he was going out, but he denied it.  Well, one night I don’t even remember now why or how or whatevers, but I just “felt” like I had to follow him.  I tried to, but didn’t know which club he was going to.  I ended up going to work, but I was shaking, sick, upset all night, it was one of the longest nights of my life.  When I got home at 7am, he still wasn’t home.  We had it out, he said it wouldn’t happen again.  I stayed in the relationship.

In early 1993 then, I started upping the pressure to get married.  Yes, I really did.  He said he wasn’t ready, didn’t matter, I was tired of playing house, I wanted to get married.  I had already been married before.  Our wedding was set for December 1994 – I had dreamed of a Christmas wedding. 

In July 1994, with just a really weird feeling for a few months – and especially after he just took me to a freakin’ Denny’s for my birthday and totally ignored me, and after I had a car accident on the interstate; when he came and picked me up, I just asked out of the blue “who is she this time”.  He didn’t deny it, he told me he didn’t love me any more, he was tired of the pressure, tired of the money, tired of the no sex, just everything. 

I was devastated.  We are talking suicidal, Baker Act me.  Yes, the cops came to the house, yes, I was taken away in freakin’ HANDCUFFS.  I was a total mess.  (oh, and I also got laid off of my job at this same time/day!).

He was seeing a STRIPPER.  He was dumping me for a effin’ stripper??

Well, after some friends came and bailed me out of the “mental home” or whatever they are called back then, I stayed with them for a month. 

Around August 24th, he called me.  I didn’t know what to think.  He wanted to see me.  Why?  Didn’t he already put me through enough heartache? 

He wanted to apologize.  In fact, he came on bended knee with a ring and told me how absolutely awful he was.  We talked, and then on August 31st, 1994 we got married.

By December 1994, I was doubting everything.  I didn’t know why I was there, I told him I didn’t know if I wanted to stay married.  I was doing EVERYTHING in my power to hurt the hell out of him the way he hurt me.  I kept telling him how I didn’t want him or rather “I don’t know if I want to stay married to you”.  (oh yeah, I was vicious with my taunts) It was a way to make me feel “better” than him, that I was the “righteous one”.  (and I wasn’t, looking back, I can be honest now, I wasn’t).

In January 1995 he cheated again – WITH THIS SAME STRIPPER.  The ONLY way I was going to find out was because she wrote me this “he came to see me, you can’t hold your man” type of letter.  I had fun with that letter, I corrected all of her spelling and grammar in red ink and mailed it back. My husband also told me I hit very hard.

We stayed together.  We never had counseling. 

The first TEN YEARS were rough.  Every January I would have a horribly depressing day as to the day he cheated on me.  Every January I would rip him a new one – for about 7 YEARS.  I would make snarky nasty comments, you name it. 

Until finally.. it stopped hurting.  Until finally I realized the only person I was hurting now was myself.  What good did it do to bring up something in the past, something that really had no place in OUR future?  For about 3 months in 1995, believe me, I would check his wallet, I would clean out his truck and look at papers.  This was of course, before massive tech/internet usage/personal computers, etc. 

This August we will be celebrating our 17th Anniversary.  If I had to do it all over again, yes, I would still marry him.  We have grown together so much, we have gone through ups, downs, deaths, cross country moves, good times, bad times, laughter, tears – but I know, when I walk into a room, regardless of how many other gorgeous women are there, my husband really truly does love me.  He has worked out of state for probably 5 of the years we’ve been married, but he NEVER cheated again.

I trust him with my life – could I have done so 17 years ago?  No, I don’t think so.  But without trust, there can’t be a marriage.  We made it work, through everything, because we made the choice to do so. 

It has to be the choice of BOTH people involved.  And when he understands how much he has hurt you – and ONLY when he understands and feels the depth of your pain, will you two manage to make the decision that is right for you.

Best of luck to you. 

I apologize for the length of this, as I said in the beginning – I just felt in my heart to post this story of my experience.

Post # 10
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

An ex “almost cheated”, or maybe he did. I found redevous emails with one of his former (maybe current now) lovers, who is married with children. I was furious. Somehow the argument was switched onto me. I was sobbing and he was vindicating on how I broke his trust by “snooping” into his emails and seeking this kind of information out. He said he was going to do it because we were at a low spot in our relationship, and it made me wonder what other low spots had happened.

It took a lot of counseling on my part to get over it; but the problem was that he wasn’t getting counseling for it as if he was always in the right. That created a silent rift and in the end it was one of the many things that destroyed the relationship.

He never was sorry. When we were breaking up, he said he gave up his relationship with his former lover for me, and that’s when I knew it wasn’t going to work out between us.

So IMHO, if he’s willing to get counseling with you, work it out, that’s great. If he’s not, then don’t make the same mistake as me. I was fooling myself for almost two years after the incident, and it took big life changes for me to wake up and fight for myself.

Post # 11
Member
46 posts
Newbee

@redangel:  You are welcome, and I appreciate the acknowledgement. 

I believe the turning point for me was truly when I felt that my husband “got it” and 100% understood how much pain and heart-break he put me through.

For many months – and yes years as I said 7 years – I didn’t feel he KNEW or even realized how deeply he hurt me.  I remember (it’s funny how talking about it now brings back these memories, and they are not painful, they bring a smile to my face when I realize how much I’ve grown in love & forgiveness! ) But, I remember how I would tell him over and over “you just don’t understand or realize how much you hurt me”.  He DID, but – I did not believe him, because I choose to not believe it so I could feel better about myself.

I think, looking back now, being totally honest, If I could keep bringing it up, then of course I would be “better than” him.  If I didn’t believe him when he said he understood how much he hurt me – then I didn’t have to acknowledge the hurt either – I could feed off the anger instead.  I remember telling him I was going to cheat on him so he could find out how it feels! 

But you know?  If we hadn’t gone through those tough times together, I don’t know if we would be together!  Everyone, every couple is different – what works for some, doesn’t work for others.  Cheating is a deal-breaker to some people, and that’s okay. 

Will it be easy for you and your fiance?  Oh, probably not.  There may be times when you need to lash out – and he needs to understand – but if that happens, do it for the RIGHT reasons, not because you want to hurt him, but because you are hurting – and he needs to know. 

Eventually it will fade – but give yourself time.  I’ve tried in the past to picture myself with someone else – and I come up empty handed.  I love my life the way it is, because I’ve grown with someone who loves our life together too.

Post # 12
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

It depends on you.

Really

There is something I hold against him, that he doesntt even know. So decide, you either forgive and move on or not and end your relationship. If you made a mistke relationship or not-wise, would you want a forgiveness or not?

Post # 13
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee

Roddysmom said exactly what has to happen in order for you to move on.  He has to “get it”.  To get just how much he hurt you, how it makes you feel, etc.  I’ve watch several Dr Phil shows on cheating and he says the exact same thing, the cheater has to “get it”, to understand the depth of your pain and what is did to you.  That being said however, in my opinion, I think your fiance deserves another chance.  Particularly since he was only talking to someone else and he did not actually physically cheat on you.  I am not saying that an “emotional affair” isn’t cheating, it is in it’s own way.  But the main thing is that you’ve made it a year and a half since that happened, he has proven he loves you and only you by asking for your hand in marriage.  I really think he learned his lesson and would never do such a thing again.  Do you feel that he “got it”?  I hope so.  Congrats on your engagement!  Be happy!

Post # 14
Member
1944 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Ok, this will probably be the first time I’ve ever admitted this anywhere (I’m a pretty private person when it comes to my relationship; I don’t confide to girlfriends etc. It’s between him and I) I went through a similar situation about a year into our relationship with my DH. We’ve been married 2 years and together 5 but after about 15 months into dating and living together for 12 of those; I found out he was contacting a girl online. Nothing physical happened and they never met face to face. I wasn’t snooping but found it through his email. He got locked out due to forgetting his password and asked for my help getting it fixed. In the process I found he had a private email account I knew nothing about, when I went to it to get his new email info I found the exchanges. I confronted him and he confessed right away. I was devastated, as was he bc he saw how it hurt me. I didn’t understand but his reasons that he said he did it was for attention bc I was pretty neglectful which is very true, I worked 2 jobs, was in school and we had opposite schedules. I said it was no excuse as it isn’t but I understood on some level too bc I’ve been in his shoes and it hurts and destroys you self esteem to be ignored and not attended too. I never acted on anything bc I just can’t, it’s not in me to cheat. We took a few days to talk things through and think of what we wanted. Honestly I loved him and I knew he was the one. I knew we could get over this. It took awhile and I had my moments of resentment and throwing it in his face but it hit me one day too that it’s not fair to him or I if I dont forgive and move on. People make mistakes, I wasn’t always the best GF and he doesnt beat me down so to really love him and respect our relationship I had to either forgive or move on. We worked through it and became so strong from it. Are we perfect? Far from it. But I know we will fight to the death for each other and can overcome obstacles. I’m so glad I didn’t walk away. There is an understanding though that should this occur again, I will walk away. I refuse to be a doormat. We don’t always communicate the best but we are better at speaking up when one of us is feeling down, neglected or off about something. I hope the best for you; you can work through this if your willing to try. Both of you will have to work not just him. It won’t be easy, but it’s worth it if you truely want it. You can PM me anytime to vent or if you have questions.

Post # 15
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@redangel:

A very good friend of mine was with a guy for a while. After a year, she found out he had cheated. Multiple times. He admitted it. They stayed togeter, went to counsel him and she has spent many years making him ‘get it’. I nearly lost my friendship with her telling her she should leave him.

5 years later, they are married and, I genuinely believe he has changed. I can see a difference in him. there were reasons he cheated, I honestly still don’t know what these were but, and I say this reluctantly, some men can change after cheating. I still don’t think I could forget someone doing it to me but some women are stronger than that. If your heart is in it, give it a chance. But always be prepared to walk away if you have to xxxx

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