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Did you just kiss once? I think you should try to stop thinking and just see what happens. I know, much easier said than done. I have had to do that in my relationship recently. But, I am so much happier. There is not so much pressure anymore.
@Sunflower--girl: We kissed then later that night it was like a make out thing. But we've only made out kissed a couple times since then. We kiss whenever we see each other all the time but they're little kisses. But like when we go to the movies or watch tv and I lay or sit right in the crook of his arm he kisses the top of my head. Ok I should probably have said that he's changed his facebook status to In a Relationship and mine still says single bc I am not there yet. I just don't get it.
@pec1216: I'm a little confused. You tell us about a relationship with a guy who seems to really respect you...and then you ask us if you should call it off? :-) I think it sounds great that you guys are taking your time, it means that you can go at a comfortable pace and not say to yourself, "oh crap, I'm in over my head!" I say stick with it, girl! And, since it has been a little while, maybe this is a conversation you bring up with him? You mention you've known each other since you were kids...are you comfortable being straight forward with him in terms of your past relationship and where the two of you are now both physically and emotionally?
how old are you guys? honestly, i would think it was strange. i know it's a hard conversation to have, but you have to have it! my current SO took things slowly, which has become much more important to me as i've gotten older. but not that slow...
@Papillon23: Honestly I feel like our conversations struggle a bit. He is very shy and I am very NOT! When we're out his friends and I can carry on a conversation much easier than he and I. I feel like because his parents pushed this situation so hard that maybe he feels forced to like me and I don't want that. Arranged marriages aren't around for a reason, ya know what I mean :)
@relaxedabout it: We're both 24 so I find it quite odd too.
I started dating my husband 1 month after a breakup(3 year relationship) and honestly i wasn't ready - i wasnt seeing anyone else but i was not ready to make the commitment and be someone's girlfriend. Lucky for me he stuck around ;) (seriously i am so lucky he didn't just drop me because i didnt want a relationship) and within 3 months of that day i was his "girlfriend" but I had to warm up to the idea.. I like you had trust issues in my last relationship so jumping into something else was just not sitting right with me. I wanted to continue to see him, i really liked him, so i made the choice to do this differently than any other relationship i've had. I was completely open and honest with him about past relationships, insecurites, finances...things i kept hidden or didn't really discuss in my last relationship and i swear it saved me and made my relationship 10000000000 times better than any other relationship i've had.
i, like you, had my fair share of debauchery and running around having fun while i am the 3rd person my husband has ever been with sexually. It was strange for me, but think about him and how intimidated he must have by me! he admitted it. Maybe your friend is just as intimidated by you as my husband was.
my advice: if you like him...explore it a bit longer. be honest about your feelings and your needs and see where he stands.
maybe you should initiate?
you are young. go have fun. i can tell that's what you want. there is no reason to be settling into a serious relationship when it sounds like there are a lot of things you want to do! i'm 33, which is older than i thought i would be in terms of settling down, but i've lived different places and had cool (and uncool) jobs and made friends everywhere and just LIVED. go do that.
You have nothing to lose by having an honest conversation with him. I think it is only fair since you've been family friends for awhile. And if you are going to be in a relationship, you have to be able to talk to each other, even uncomfortable conversations.
Definitely be honest with this guy . . . . if you don't want anything serious, then you may be wasting his time. Please don't break his heart and/or lead him on . . . take him seriously . . . sometimes it's kinder to recognize that you both want two different things and just let him go than it is to drag it out when you know it can't work out.
Okay so I know I need to have a talk with him and let him know where I'm at and how I'm feeling. I just don't know how to broach the subject. How do I ask about his "history" and also just say that I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship already? I don't want to hurt him at all. He is such a sweet guy and I would feel like I shot a puppy if he got upset. Honestly I could see us working out but maybe I need to know some stuff about him and his background first. I mean on Monday, I was fully prepared to tell him, okay I just wanna be friends and that's all but then he pulled one of his Mr. Wonderfuls.
I got off work early Monday and decided to go hunting well he said that he would go too if I wanted. He showed up early at my house so we could hang out, so sweet. And then that night, National Championship game, (He's a HUGE, which is an understatement, Bama fan) we went over to some friends of his house that I didn't know but was fine with. Well at said house there were 2 little ones, like almost 2yrs and a 1 1/2 year old. Too cute! And I don't know if you've ever seen a guy holding a baby but it can melt your heart. He was so good with them all night and didn't go too crazy over the game, since I'm an Auburn fan. Then to top all this sweetness and cuteness off, we were supposed to hang out last night but things got messed up and he said he was just gonna stay home for the night which was fine with me because I needed to do some laundry and work on some paintings. Well as I sat down to eat, he walked up to my back door! Completely lied to me about having stuff to do and just wanted to surprise me...um can we say adorable! I was so shocked and happy to see him.
Is it bad that if one thing was different I probably wouldn't even be asking for advice on this??? His "History" or lack thereof...I feel horrible saying that but honestly that's the only thing holding me back. Maybe he's the type of guy that wants to be dating for a while first. I will get to the bottom of it tonight or tomorrow.
I don't think you should talk about his history. It's not an issue. He could have slept with 100 woman and still want to go slowly with you.
You need to discuss what is going on between the two of you. Tell him how you feel-- you like him, are enjoying getting to know him better, but are confused if this is moving forward to dating or not.
@mmsva: That's very true. Maybe he's treating this different. I don't know but I am going to talk to him about it all. I really don't know if I should talk to him tonight or wait till tomorrow night because he has really big day tomorrow and needs to be stress free.
@pec1216: Wait until he is stress free. Nothing about what is happening between the two of you is so urgent that it can't wait until a face to face meeting can happen.
@pec1216: Hmmm. You'll need to gauge the situation carefully, but you should talk with him. If you or he starts getting uncomfortable, you can always drop the subject. Good luck and let us know how it goes!
I think that just because he isnt as forthcoming in making moves as you are used to that you should write him off. I got together with my boy fairly soon after a pretty messy break up and so things progressed really slowly. It wasn't my doing and it drove me insane, but in his words, he felt that we were going to be together for a long time so there was no need to rush anything.
This guy is doing a lot of really sweet things for you, so maybe you should be the one to instigate things and take them further if that is what you want.
I told him that I wanted to talk about us and what he thought we were and where this could possibly go but I want to wait till after his test. I really like him so I'm really nervous I'm gonna screw this up.
Take it slow. I left a very abusive ex for My fi. To say I had issues was anunderstatement.. But I was honest with him. We had been friends forever so I thought honesty was the best policy. I told him how I felt about him but that I had fear that I was using him for a rebound/crutch. He stuck around and was just my frie d for a while withlittle hugs andkissea throw in. After a few months I told him I loved him too. I think an honestdiscussion of your thoughtsfeeling as and expectations should be had. As for him being a late bloomer take it at his pace... Your still scarred and he is new at his so why rush?
@imalittlebirdie: I'm sorry to hear about your past relationship. So glad you found a good guy in your FI. The problem with my guy is that I don't feel like I can be that honest with him because I have been with multiple people and he hasn't been with one. I'm very comfortable with my sexuality and have no problem expressing it but since he's never really ventured past 1st base I'm nervous to push him too far past his comfort zone. Like Friday I'm going to a "party" where the gifts and items to be purchased are for bedroom fun...should I even go? Haha! I'm going regardless but will I really have as much fun if I can't buy some stuff to use?
@pec1216: just because he hasn't played ball yet, doesn't mean that when he does play ball he won't want to play with toys. Buy what you'd like to use some day, just don't sping it on him immediately.
Also, if he is moving too slowly, talk to him about it. He may just be nervous about the next step and may need some encouragement.
I dated a guy for a few years who was a virgin. We didn't "go there" 'til we'd been together for almost a year. Sure, it's nice to take things slow (I'm a big proponent of it, in fact), but there is such thing as too slow, for sure.
Is his waiting a product of circumstance or his religious beliefs/other? It's possible he's just waiting for you to make a move, which it sounds like you're not opposed to doing. It could go either way: he could be super eager & open for whatever suggestions/tips you have, or he could be a cold fish. But then again, that's the case w/any guy.
If you don't feel like you can be honest w/him, then it sounds like you just need to play the field for now. I'm getting the vibe you've already made up your mind about him. But if you're really wanting to give it a try, you need to think about what your needs are, if he can fulfill them, & if you're patient enough to wait until he can. You're going to have to have a talk w/him about it, as awkward as it may be. Otherwise, you'll be stuck in "Should I/shouldn't I?" limbo for who knows how long. In the meantime, he's only becoming more attached.
Good luck!
@mmsva: I'm def going to the party looking for some fun stuff just in case he does decide to venture out of his shell a little.
@Mouse217: You're right I pretty much have made up my mind but I keep getting stuck thinking what if this is the right guy to wait for and what if he's worth it! I mean he's a great kisser and from my past experience that means you can be great at other things too. I don't mind introducing him to stuff at all but then again I don't wanna wait till a year down the road and he come out and say "yeah I'm really gay" or something. Which is fine but I don't wanna be lead on either. I guess I should just talk to him about it and then if he's not ready or thinks that it won't happen for a while I'll just stay on the single side. I have no problem with that at all.
So here's the thing... the answer to your original question is that you're not ready for a relationship. You already know that, no need for us to help on that front. ;)
As for this guy? Don't worry about finding out about his history. And don't spend another second in that relationship thinking you should do something. Just get out. Tell him he's a great guy and you enjoy his company, but you realize you're not ready for anything more than a friend. Be kind about it, but it really is okay to say that. Then go have some fun. I'm telling you right now that more women get trapped in relationships they never wanted (and KNEW they shouldn't be in) by trying to be nice, or find a justification for leaving, or not wanting to hurt someone's feelings. It's okay to just want out. Just be nice, but be honest. And cut him loose.
Back to the original question of how you know when you're ready? Trust your gut. Always trust your gut. Most bad things that happen will only happen when you're busy not trusting your gut. If you feel like pulling away from a guy? Trust. Your. Gut. Your gut is almost always right, I promise.
@lox: You are oh so right! I usually stay in certain situations too long because I hate hurting other people's feelings and always try to make other happy. I NEED not only want but NEED to go have fun and just do my own thing.
Thank you all for your advice on this matter! Hope to be back soon with a fun update!
UPDATE: I ended up breaking the little guys heart a couple weeks ago. I just couldn't stay in it knowing I wasn't ready. He ended up telling me that he was falling in love with me and that he thought this was it, like marriage. WOW! I felt like I killed a puppy. He was so sad and I hated hurting him like that but it wouldn't have been fair to either of us for me to keep it going knowing I wasn't there.
He may not be doing well but I'm doing great. My girlfriends and I have planned a series of road trips for the spring and summer and I could not be more excited! And on of my friends is flying me out to see a concert next weekend which is going to be amazing!!! I'm so excited to see what all unfolds this year! Hope all is well in Weddingbee Land!
Lots of love - pec1216
Thanks for the update! I'm glad to hear that you're doing fine. Don't worry too much about the guy-he'll learn in time how to navigate the relationship boat.
Thanks for the update. Sorry you had to hurt him, but I'm sure you did it the kindest way possible. And now you've released him to find someone who will love him as much as he loves them.
That is awesome that you are enjoying your life. You should check out A Practical Wedding. I think the post was from Feb 6 or 7 about single life.
@mmsva: Thank you so much for recommending that article. It was really interesting and scary how similar her first relationship went and ended to the way my engagement did.
it's hard to put a time limit on that :/ I remember moving on twice after being cheated on years ago, till the point where I finally met DH.
It wasn't 'long enough' for a lot of people, but I have to say it took me at least 7 months with each breakup to move onto being interested in someone else.
Everyone is different. For me, I think the point I can move on safely is when I can honestly look at the guy I am interested in and remember why I am falling for him without even thinking of any other guy in my past. Once the dreams stopped, the numbers were deleted and the pictures were thrown away... was I able to really move on and not look back. I think that point is different for everyone. Go with your heart feeling, there's really no definite answer on when to fall in love again and when that's okay.
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Okay ex-FI and I broke up last May. It was hard and ugly. But I've moved on and have started going out and stuff. Not crazy but just fun nights with my friends. Well recently I started seeing this guy. I've known him since I was little. Our families are really close and have wanted us to date since we were in high school. We hung out some in the summer and fall but really started hanging out alot starting in November. He's really sweet, kinda shy, but we have all the same interest, ie hunting, sports, etc. I love his family and he fits in great with mine, however we've or I've hit a bit of a snag.
One weekend when we were out of town at a college football game we kissed for the first time. The kiss was great, I thought sparks were there. Thought being the key word. We've done just that since, kiss and that's all. Which is fine but I kinda thought by this point there would have been more. (And I might sound horrible to some people but to each their own) And it's not like the opportunities haven't been there. We even went away together for New Years and nothing. And to top it all off, some of his friends and even his sibs have hinted to me that he may not have ever been with anyone in that capacity. I'm a little freaked out to say the least. Not that that is a bad thing at all but I'm not that way. I've been with my fair share of guys and honestly don't know how to deal with someone who doesn't have the experience I do.
So my issue is should I just call this off now or should I stick it out and see what happens. I tend to do this in relationships. When it starts to get serious I pull away. I know that my last relationship messed me up bad and caused sever trust issues. I just don't want to get hurt again and I really don't want to hurt him. I feel like if I jump into another relationship right now I'll regret it. I want to travel some and explore some different career options which could possibly mean me moving around. I just wanna keep my options open. Ugh maybe this wasn't so much about this guy as it is about me just needed to talk things out with myself and get some feed back from you guys.