How did you know/decide when you were ready?

posted 1 week ago in TTC
Post # 2
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

afenimore11 :  My DH really left it up to me. He knew he wanted kids at some point so it really didn’t make sense to hold off. All our friends were having kids and it’s nice to be in the same stage as them. We had our first at 31.

Post # 3
Member
1759 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My husband was the one in our relationship that was ready to have kids like immediately. I on the other hand needed some time. I felt selfish and that it wasn’t the time and place because there were too many things that I wanted to do for me before I could even dream of having a baby. 

We did those things and in the process of completing them, I felt like I was ready. I realized I was doing these things to prepare for my time to become to be a mother. I can actually pinpoint the moment I was ready to pull the trigger to TTC. We were at a friend’s baby shower and I got an overwhelming feeling of emotion and I literally longed for a child. I told my husband NOW! Haha. I know it’s not like that for everyone but that’s my experience. 

We started trying and we conceived in December. My LO was born this last August and I’ve never been more in love with a little person or my life. It’s another one of those, “when you know, you know” moments. 

Post # 4
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee

I think the answer you gave him was a really good one quite frankly! The way that I know that I am *not* ready for kids is because I don’t want a child more than I want my current life YET. I love my life and I worked really hard to get to where I am. When you have a baby everything changes. As much as I love kids, I don’t want to feel like I wasn’t finished with my life yet before I gave it over to another being. 

Since you guys are already in a position where a kid would be do-able, it’s more likely that he’ll start to want them sooner. Part of the reason it’s hard for me to even imagine is that a baby wouldn’t fit into our lifestyle at all, we would have to change absolutely everything. I don’t want to be a SAHM, we live in a one bedroom apartment downtown, go away on weekends and go out with friends a ton, have a lot of not baby friendly hobbies, don’t really have the money (well, we’d be ok if we moved).. I think that if your lifestyle wouldn’t be as drastically altered by just adding a kid, it’s easier to come around to the idea. 

I don’t know what it feels like when you go from not being ready to being ready though.. I’ll be curious to hear about that. 

How old are you guys? Do your friends have kids? 

Post # 5
Member
4158 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I dunno, we sort of just crossed a threshold where we were like.. ok, we’d rather have a baby in the next year or two than at any time after that.  (Because of our work situations, age, etc.. )  So.. we realized that it was time to start TTC.

Neither of us, especially DH, felt this all encompassing “readiness” where we were totally ok with giving up our lives without kids, where we felt totally financially secure, where we felt eager for a new adventure… I think few people have the luxury of feeling that before trying (and those that do often are quite a bit older, I think, which has it’s own tradeoffs).  We just felt good enough and felt this point in time was the best trade-off of pros and cons for us.  

Post # 6
Member
0 posts
Wannabee

Now is just the right time for us.

Careers are steady, just purchased our new house, and we’ve travelled a bunch.

SIL is on her second child! and We are chomping at the bit to become parents ourselves to our very own 🙂 

I’m 29, DH is 28 – We want to be parents to our first by 30

Post # 7
Member
932 posts
Busy bee

I tend to put it down to 3 questions. 1. Can you financially afford to have children right now? 2. Do you want children? 3. Is there any other reason not to try now (i.e travel, moving house, rocky relationship or general instability)?

Ive always felt like you, I wanted to be a SAHM since forever. But my husbands career has seen us move internationally a few times in the last few years so our lives have been way too unstable. Hopefully this latest move is the last for a while and when we are settled in we hope to start TTC. 

I can understand your husband wanting to be selfish a little longer though. Does he have things he wants to achieve first? Is there something he is aiming to achieve at work? Has he always dreamed of travelling or is there somewhere he wants to see without children? I know so many couples who felt ready and started trying after having one last big vacation together. How old are you? and do your friends have children? People tend to feel more ready when they are surrounded by others with kids. If your worried about your fertility or age then its worth establishing a timeline with him. He may feel more ready if he has a time in the future to prepare towards. 

Post # 8
Member
1240 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I can understand how frustrating this is. My DH was ready before I was but I REALLY appreciated him being patient with me. What really helped me and what may help him is talking to my friends who are parents. They certaintly didn’t sugar coat anything but all of them said “it will never be a perfect time”. I then chose to fast (I am Christian) to seek God’s help with my fear about having children. God gave me so much peace about it and now that we are TTC I feel SO much better! Maybe you can suggest he talk to his friends who are parents? For me, I was totally being selfish because I wanted to time it for a good time with my career and was pretty shocked when all my friends tried to do that and didn’t get pregnant for at least 6 months. I hope he comes around soon!  

Post # 9
Member
895 posts
Busy bee

afenimore11 :  

Honestly it was one of those things you just knew. My husband and I are not TTC yet. Planning to be after Aug of this year. We both have good jobs, just recently got out of debt but we hadn’t managed to save much money & we wanted to buy a house.

We came to the conclusion we either WAIT 3-6 years to save for a house & THEN have kids, or we rent and have our family.

I was VERY impatient with my husband and it was unfair. Because now we settled those issues and he’s just as excited as I am, which makes it that much better. Nobody’s situation is going to be perfect, but you know when the time is good for you.

We are moving into a bigger place for a cheaper amount monthly, we started our savings so by then we will have a decent amount in savings and by the time the baby does come we will be in a GREAT spot.

Post # 10
Member
1806 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I remember the EXACT moment. It was late last summer My BFF was throwing a birthday party for her daughter at a waterpark. She looked so busy cutting and handing out cake, organizing turns for the slides, bumper cars, taking pictures, etc. her BF sat and drank the entire time. He didn’t help with anything. I noticed a lot of the men sort of hid away whereas the women were the ones serving the pizza, making sure no one wandered off, etc. and I told my husband right there and then I didn’t want children, but I didn’t explain why. He turned to me and said something along the lines of “Don’t worry, when it’s ours, I’ll help you cut the cake, take charge when it comes time to which activity we’re all goign to do next, go down the slides with them, etc. I won’t just sit here. I want to be involved.”

I was so shocked that her BF just sat there. That all the dad just sat there. They looked lost. Like they didn’t know how to manage their own children. Sitting awkwardly in a corner waiting for their pizza but taking no initiative to help. I hope to God that’s not the norm, but I do seem to see dad’s just holding u p the wall at any family event and I don’t want that to be my dynamic.

I knew then I had a partner. Not some baby daddy that would drop me and the kid off at the party while he went off and did whatever. Or the type to give me the CC to go plan something and he’d maybe show up. He’ll be going down those slides, climbing that jungle gym, etc.

Post # 12
Member
1349 posts
Bumble bee

FI asked me the other day, “do you feel ready to have kids?” (meaning after our wedding which is coming up very soon!). I replied, “no, but I can tell you I never will feel truly ready, so now’s as good a time as any!” and he said he feels the exact same way. We are in our 30s so there’s no time like the present I guess.

That being said, I don’t like children. I feel awkward and bored around them, always have. I do not enjoy playing with kids…I’d much rather read a book or go to the bar lol. But I’ve sort of always assumed I will feel differently with my own kids. I hope that turns out to be true!

Post # 14
Member
4158 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

woops cross post

Post # 15
Member
771 posts
Busy bee

tiffanybruiser :  OMG! Yes! This! My ex-husband and I were in a much more financially stable situation, but he was TERRIFIED to have a child. I was soo ready, and in the end, it was one of the things that drove a wedge between us. Now, with SO, he has a DS and “dad” is by far one of his favorite jobs. I’m the one that’s scared now because my financial situation has changed drastically, but, this time I have a partner. It didn’t matter how much money we had saved, my ex would’ve always been scared (apaprently until a month after I left when he realized he wanted kids all along and he was letting his fears get the best of him – great timing… *eye roll*). I’m far less “ready” than SO, but I’m in the same boat as you. There is never a perfect time, and you’re never going to be 100% ready. We’ve not been NTNP since August 2016 with no BFPs. I know I want to be a mom, so I know that if I wait until that magically (non-existent) moment that I’ll be ready, it may be too late. I’ve got a good job, and it’s working on getting better; I’m with a true partner; and I’ve never felt so supported by my partner before; and I have a wonderful SS who has shown me that I am capable of so much more than I thought.

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