(Closed) How did your life change post baby?

posted 4 years ago in Babies
  • poll: Do you think I should worry?
    No, stop being whiny, a live-in nanny will make your life a breeze! : (2 votes)
    8 %
    Yes, no matter who helps you it takes alot out of both of you : (11 votes)
    46 %
    Your life will change but the help will make your life alot easier : (11 votes)
    46 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1194 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    Our relationship became.. closer?.. after having our first child.  We didn’t have any issues though, which I tend to think become magnified under stress, such as adding to a family.  We also had no financial concerns and my husband’s job was and is extremely flexible, plus I’m a stay at home parent.  

    I think that you should be worried about any disagreements you have now.  Arguing over who does the dishes can turn into a war after having a baby.  It’s just something I’ve observed in other couples.  It’s not serious issues that get you, it’s the day to day stuff.  

    Your relationship will suffer if you let it.  It’s hard, I think, to make time for your spouse at first.  Not because you just have 0 hours in the day, but because you just want to snuggle up the baby all the time.  My husband I do date nights weekly, though usually it’s takeout and a movie when the girls are in bed. 

    I will tell you, that in my experience, people who lived with a family member (grandparent, in-law, parent, whatever) who was there to “help” had a lot of trouble.  I realize not everyone is like that, but there were a *lot* of boundary issues for people I know in those situations.  You may want to think about what you expect, what you want to stay in charge of, what you are willing to let go of, etc.  The older family member tends to want to be in charge (again, just in situations I”ve personally witnessed) and you may not be a fan of that when it’s your child.  And yes, these were people who got along pre-baby.  It’s not just your wedded relationship that can be strained.

    Post # 4
    Member
    10369 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    Statistically (they have done scientific studies on this), having children reduces marital happiness. The first 5 years of the child’s life are particularly negative on marriages. Obviously, not true for everyone, but generally true none the less.

    I wouldn’t want help living with me, but living in the same area as family that can help out will go a long way in helping keep you guys balanced.

    Post # 6
    Member
    15 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I had my daughter at 21 and we lived with my family for the first two years. It was really nice to always have someone willing to hold the baby and change coursing let me take a shower. Things weren’t very hard for us in that aspect. But, the change came from me. My hormones got completely out of whack and I had some baby blues and low sex drive, and all I really wanted to do was be with my baby. I really pushed my SO out. So, of course we had problems. I’d say you have to make a very conscious decision to always be putting 100% into your relationship with your s/o. At least that’s how it was for me. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    850 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    @LunaFleurLavender:  I am only speaking for me and my marriage. We recently had a baby in March of this year…. I can honestly say that our relationship has gotten much closer (if that was even possible). The first two weeks PP I was out for the count. I couldn’t really do nothing…not even lift my baby (a little bit of problems towards the end of pregnancy). My husband stepped up and handled everything for me and our son. That in iteself bought us so much closer. Yes, I would be lying if I said that the baby doesn’t take up a lot of time. This is our first child so everything is new to us. We can’t just pick up and go like we used to but we still wouldn’t change having him for the world.  The good thing is that, my husband and I have traveled for years (before we met and during our relationship) and, the club scene has been a thing of the past (I am 33 and he will be 37 this year)….. So really, the things that we do — for the most part– can be done as a family. We make sure that we have that quality time with one another. When the baby sleeps, that is our time. You MAKE time, no matter how tired you may be. As far as sleep, we take turns…. one night he will do the nighly duties, and the next night I will. KJ is two months and he only wakes up once in the middle of the night now….usually at 1:30… but once we add cereal later on….that will hopefully stop that (for the most part).

    I think that everything depends on you and your relationship/marriage. The experience is different for everyone. When my hubby and I moved in together, everyone told us how hard it would be and how we would argue over chores, etc…. Well, we are still waiting for the difficult part because we have been living together for two years and so far everything is still great.

    I wish you the best and just remember….communicate with one another and set expectations up front. It will be challenging but it doesn’t have to be all bad. Yes, it’s a major change and you will have a new set of priorities. You are creating a “new normal” and it’s really what you make it.

     

    FYI: hubby and I both work and no money concerns for us either.

    Post # 9
    Member
    5892 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    @LunaFleurLavender:  From watching friends I’ve seen– going from 0 to 1 kid is tough, but doable. But it magnifies any problems you have. Things that you once let slide or communications issues that you ignore or minor fights that never get resolved–those things really eat away at your relationship.

    But the big change is going from 1 to 2 kids–suddenly you have NO down time. While one is tackling one kid, the other is dealing with the other. You have NO time for each other, especially the first year or two. The biggest problem is just getting through th daily grind. If you’ve gotten through the magnification of problems that the first child brings, the issue is how to stay connected. You end up living parallel lives. 

    But if you can keep communicating, keep finding ways to connect to each other, you can do it. Most of the time (unless you have a high needs kid), it gets better by the time they get to be 4 or 5. 

    But the joy parents get from their kids (even with the huge time/energy suck), is so worth it for them. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    5892 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    @LunaFleurLavender:  The other factor is whether you think the kid is the center of the universe and should never have any  discomfort EVER. Or if you think the baby is like a little moon that orbits the adults life and you think your job is to grow a competent human being who has to learn from discomfort and pain (even if the effort in the short run is harder for you). 

    Parents who do everything for their chid are miserable. Parents who teach their child to be independent are much happier!

    Post # 14
    Member
    5892 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    @LunaFleurLavender:  I’m not even talking about the effect on the child. I’m talking about the effect on you and your marriage. You decide how much “effort” you want to put in. A friend of mine and his wife decided to formula feed and never heated up a bottle. Yep, baby drank room temp formula and is just fine. I know people who cook a differnt meal for each kid and adult. While other families, one meal is cooked. You either eat what is put in front of you or starve. 

    If you find that once you have a kid, it’s not working for you, then change something. Having a kid doenst mean you’ve lost all control in your life!

    Post # 15
    Member
    2946 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 1998

    @KoiKove:  very well said and I couldn’t agree anymore:))))

     

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