Post # 1
I’m curious if there are other bees out there like me who never actually say the word “engaged” when speaking to their SO about future plans. For me, I just say the “next step” because I don’t feel bold enough for some reason to use the actual word–is that weird? So I’m definitely more subtle about things and always hope that he actually comes out and says “we’ll get engaged on ___”. But of course those words have never actually come out of his mouth–so I’m thinking of being more direct!
How do you ladies communicate your desire to your SO?
Post # 3
@Shirinjoon: I say next step as well. But I don’t have to bring up the wedding talk. Heck, on our first date he told me I would have to wait for at least 2 years to get a proposal out of him. I said that’s fine, you only have 3-4 years for me to still be willing to have another child. Needless to say, he’s already told me that an engagement will happen before the end of the year and we’ve only been together for 8 months!
Post # 4
I’m not going to lie, I’m pretty direct about it. I always say engaged. But part of it for us is that he brought up the idea of marriage first, so I know he wants to. I’m just impatient!
Post # 5
We were 100% upfront and honest and had a frank conversation about when we wanted to get both engaged and married. It was combined with many, many conversations about where we saw ourselves living over the years, when/how many kids to have, whether we wanted to purchase property, etc etc etc. Clear and direct communication is our #1 priority – things just get too messy without it!
Post # 6
I’m super direct about it. He knows my timelines for being engaged and why. Like, I wanna be engaged before we begin a long distance relationship because I’ll be living with my parents, and that way he can stay in my room, etc. And people will be more sympathetic to the situation if we’re engaged.
I think it’s because he already acts as my family. I’ve never been super close to my family. Whenever I try to talk to them about my problems, I wind up feeling worse. So he’s been there for me when nobody else has. We’ve just talked so in depth about being married and being a family that it’s really not a big deal to say “engaged” haha 🙂
Post # 7
I’m always direct with it. Whenever I bring it up with SO I always say engaged. At first I was too afraid to but now I don’t hold back. I always say, “When we get married or when we get engaged.”
Post # 8
Haha, we danced around the topic for years because I was afraid to freak him out, then one night a few months ago I just said, “So, do you think you’re going to marry me anytime soon?” It didn’t go terribly well.
Post # 9
I really should follow you ladies and just be direct about it…not sure what I’m afraid of, since I know he wants to marry me. I’m going to do it next time we have a talk!
Post # 10
@LadyTegan: How come it didn’t go well? Did it freak him out?
Post # 11
Super direct. For example.
Last convo went something like “I really hope we’re engaged before you deploy because I really want to have the wedding to focus on while you’re gone”
No pussy footing around 😛
Post # 12
@Oneeleven: Good for you! And advice on how I could be direct without worrying that it would push him away?
Post # 13
I feel that if a guy is serious about you, using words like “engaged” and “wedding” should not push him away. I do not feel we should not be afraid of this. I too was honestly afraid this would push my bf away when I first mentioned it two years ago. Maybe he did get a little distant for a bit, but came right back. Slowly, he got more used to the idea as I brought it up every few months. Then I even tried to give him an ultimatum and rather than letting me go, he agreed to it. Things have changed since then because he has to leave for school and we both are uncertain if the relationship will survive.
I guess what I want to say is, we have to keep our own interests in mind. This may be different for those of you who are a bit younger – in your early 20s. I can understand if a guy is that young..you may have to give him a bit more time than just a yr or two.
Post # 14
I was very direct. Of course, it wasn’t all that hard to be direct because I knew he wanted to get married eventually. I just wanted to make sure he understood that I wasn’t ok with eventually being several years in the future.
So one day, I just told him how I felt. Although he still had not yet sold his house, he was for all intents and purposes living with me. I did not want that to become the status quo, so I told him that I really wasn’t comfortable with the situation. I told him that living together was a very big deal and although I was not saying I need to be married tomorrow, I needed to know that is where this was going. I really needed to be engaged to be comfortable with our living situation. He said he understood and hadn’t realized it was that important to me. I think he’d have been ok with living together a while first….but I made it very clear that I wasn’t. I didn’t cry or get emotional, I just was very matter of fact about it. To be honest, had he said he wasn’t ready to think about engagement, I’d have asked him to start spending more time at his own house. I was that serious about it.
He proposed about a month later. He said he delayed a bit because he wanted to surprise me — and he did!
Post # 15
I was very direct. I told him early on in the relationship that marriage was a goal of mine and I dind’t want to get serious with him if he didn’t feel the same way. I also told him that i didnt’ want to date someone for more than 1.5 years without an engagement. He hemmed and hawed at this, but when he asked me if he could move in, I reminded him about our previous conversation point blank. I also stressed that moving in would make me more frantic about the engagement since there would be added pressure on ME to be engaged the second he moved in. When it hadn’t happened after 2 months of living together, I demanded to know where he stood and what his timeline was and reminded him AGAIN that I wasn’t kidding and I needed a ring or he had to move out.
If I hadn’t done all this, we probably would still be living together without being engaged at now 4 years of dating. Since I was so persistant and upfront, we were engaged at exactly 1.5 years and married at 3.
Post # 16
I am very direct about getting engaged but so is he. For a bit of time, my SO thought the next step for us was to move in together. So I prefer to say exactly what I mean nowadays. Just so he doesnt get confused 😉