Post # 1
Last year was rough for me and my SO (soon to be FI because my ring is somewhere in the house ). He developed a friendship with this woman 2 years ago and was completely insensitive about my feelings. Somehow, he felt that I should understand that he can make friends with people and that it should not affect our relationship. But, boy did it! I was jealous of this friendship and didn’t trust this “friendship”. She is very pretty, into the things he likes and single. Why wouldn’t he want to be with her? If I were a guy, I would want to date someone who likes all the things I like. There was once incident where she texted him past midnight to tell him that my he and I should go see this movie she just saw. I was stunned that he didn’t see a problem with that — but after our argument, he told me that he told her not to text him past a certain hour.
Over the course of last year, my insecurity over this “friendship” ate away at our relationship. I tried to be comfortable in her presence, but something just never sat right. The last straw was him going to HH with her. He asked me to come, but I didn’t have the emotional energy and told him to feel free to go and that I trusted him. He basically begged me to go and when I didn’t he texted me all night asking how I was and checked in on me. He didn’t get home until after midnight!! After that, I had had it. WTF? HH truned into dinner and you not getting home until midnight (even thought you’re texting me the whole time)?
Our mutual friends are married, and my friend’s husband called him to ask him why he was being so insensitive about this. After that, things seemed to calm down as if something clicked in his head. I haven’t seen her since last December. He doesn’t even bring her up. Our relationship has been amazing….and he actually bought a ring after 5 years of dating and 9 years of knowing each other.
Yesterday, however, it was a shock to my system when I saw I text from her pop up on his phone. All of the old feelings came up. It wasn’t like I thought they didn’t communicate — but here she is in the background of my relationship — like a cancer.
I’m sure she’s great and fun; she seems to be so “interesting”. But, based on all that we went though last year, I can NEVER bring myself to like her without harboring resentment. And I don’t know if I should accept a proposal from a man who can’t end a friendship with someone I have never really liked. Last year was so traumatic, and just when I am feeling happy again, this “friend” is still an issue.
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
It sounds like you never really liked her just because you were insecure / jealous, rather than some specific reason about her. It also sounds like your guy has done everything he can to make you happy about his relationship with her, short of ending it entirely. My honest 2 cents is that you’re in the wrong here, but I come from a belief system of trusting my partner and not getting in the way of friendships with the opposite sex. I would be super offended if he told me to end a friendship that was, from the sounds of it, entirely innocent… Sorry this situation is hard for you though – hugs.
Post # 4
What did he do that was so wrong? She texted him to recommend a movie for BOTH of you. You were BOTH invited to happy hour, and apparently he texted you the whole time…you chose not to go. I don’t understand what the problem is.
Post # 5
It seems like this isn’t going to go away, so someone has to compromise. Either you should try to be friends with her, or tell SO that you can’t handle having her around.
FWIW, there is a reason why he wouldn’t want to hook up with a girl with similar interests – you. Has he done anything else to make you feel insecure?
Post # 6
@peachacid: Exactly this.
In all honesty, I don’t see any wrong-doings on anyone’s part here. :/ I don’t think he should be expected to ignore every female that comes his way and it doesn’t sound like she’s shown any interest other than being friends with him, so I don’t think you have any reason to be jealous. I’d try to let it go. He’s planning on marrying YOU, not her.
Post # 7
Does your SO know how this friendship makes you feel? In general, you guys just may need to get on the same page in terms of boundaries. That may help this situation and any potential issues in the future. It doesn’t sound like you have a reason not to trust him here, but you don’t want to have to worry like this again. Definitely something to try to work out sooner rather than later! 🙂
Post # 8
Sounds like the issues here are your insecurities about yourself. You need to stop comparing yourself to her and thinking about why he would rather be with her – that’s entirely in your head, so stop projecting it onto him. If he wanted to be with her, he would be.
Post # 9
- Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall
Usually when there’s issues like these posted on the internet, the writer biases it in their favor so people tend to side with them more… even WITH that, you sound 100% psychotic and jealous for no reason.
Seriously, step back, take a chill pill, and realize that you are not threatened by this woman who wants a friendship with you BOTH as a couple…
Post # 10
Honestly, it sounds like you’re off your rocker over this girl because of your own insecurities. As in, inside you, not anything he’s done. It sounds like he’s done everything you asked… asked her not to text him late, etc. When he went out with her it was because you canceled on a group thing.
Low self esteem is a real bitch. It will eat you up when you look at her and think how much better she is for him, that he deserves someone like her. That’s you talking to yourself in your head. That’s not him, and it’s not her. That’s you.
And if you let that negative self talk make you into an insane, insecure, controlling woman that tries to dictate who your fiance can and can’t be friends with based on how you feel when you compare yourself to them it’s going to destroy your relationship.
I think you need to work on yourself here. Maybe get a counsellor. Fixing self esteem is hard because it’s subtle and insidious and often you don’t even realize that’s what’s going on. It’s not just about how you let other people treat you; it’s about how you treat and talk to yourself.
Post # 11
@Beeyoutifully Me: Why wouldn’t he want to be with her?
Well, good question. Why doesn’t he? If she was so enticing to him, wouldn’t he have tried to get with her before now?
It’s hard to tell about things like this based on a message board post. A lot of times these jealousy posts don’t seem like they’re based on much other than a “feeling.” But sometimes all we have are weird feelings and they turn out to be right and a lot of other times these weird feelings are purely a function of our own insecurity eating away at us. So it’s truly impossible for any of us to say, but it sounds like there hasn’t been an objective reason for you to be so insecure about this friendship. The “problem” seems to be that she’s pretty and interesting. I like to think I’m pretty and interesting () and I would be sad if I couldn’t have a friendship with a man because of that!
Post # 12
I guess my issues stem from the following:
- he first met her at a concert — she’s a photographer — never told me about her
- when I went away on intl’ business travel he met with her for dinner — he didn’t tell me about it first
- at one point he thought going to the movies alone to see a horror film (I hate them) was acceptable
- one night when I was out with old girlfriends an hour away from our home, he texted me to tell me that he was going to meet her for a drink at I spot I told him about; it was 10pm on a weeknight at that point and he told me to “join him when I’m done” and “don’t be mad and know that I love you”. They ended up going somewhere else and later he tells me that someone else was present but that it shouldn’t have mattered
- he goes out to HH with her but doesn’t come home until after midnight
FYI: My SO has other female friends from before that I have NEVER had a issue with. They have stayed at our house and I stayed in theirs. This “NEW” friend has been the first female friend I have EVER taken issue with.
Post # 13
The vast majority of my friends are male and I do hang with two of them quite a bit. One definitely more than my FH. That is because my FH and my schedules are so different. My one friend (male) frequently stays in our home (he’s in grad school and his family home is many states away) and my FH trusts me because he knows I love him.
Post # 14
You are insecure about yourself and it’s not healthy. I would try to get some help on that issue. The girl is not after your man and you man is not after her. They’re friends. Just like you and your girlfriends or him and his guy friends… it’s very unfortunate that she happens to be of the opposite sex, but don’t let that destroy your relationship.
MAJOR EDITING you said
“FYI: My SO has other female friends from before that I have NEVER had a issue with. They have stayed at our house and I stayed in theirs. This “NEW” friend has been the first female friend I have EVER taken issue with.”
Then what is about her that bothers you so much? Is she overly friendly? Do you think has feelings for your man? What do you think of her as a “person”?
Post # 15
It still sounds like your insecure. I don’t tell DH of all the new people I meet the second I meet them. If this girl was a guy and you were out on international business would you be mad your SO didn’t inform you of his dinner plans with him? Things come up at the last minute so maybe he didn’t have time to clear it with you first. I hate horror movies too and DH is free to go with anyone he wants, just so long as it’s not me, I could care less, I can’t make him not go to them that’s ridiculous. The only reason I can see to be pissed off that they weren’t at the bar he said he was going to be at, is if I went there to meet them and they weren’t there. He said they were with someone else …. do you not trust him? If not sounds like a wonderful life of checking up on him and making irrational demands for EVER.
I have no idea what HH is.
Post # 16
@aggie2010: That was incredibly rude.
Anyways, yes you should be secure with yourself and your relationship but I know if my DH was uncomfortable with a relationship I had- whether or not there was reason for it- I would separate myself from the person I was friends with.
Now, most men don’t like confrontation so that probably has a lot to do with why he hasn’t said something to the girl.
If I were you, I’d just try get to know her… maybe one on one.