Post # 1
Little background: 6 days before my wedding, my brother told us some things he wanted us to do for our wedding. I told him that wasn’t what we wanted, and he kept bugging me about it. I kept telling him no. Finally, DH told him politely but firmly that we were going to do our wedding the way we wanted, and it wasn’t up for further discussion. My brother then spent the next 4 days sending me nasty emails and voicemails saying I shouldn’t marry DH, and were EXTREMELY insulting and hurtful. I told him to stop, but he wouldn’t. Two days before the wedding, he told me that he wouldn’t do the reading at our ceremony like he said he would. The day before, he told me that he loved me, that I was making a mistake, and he would finally stop. Since then, I have been polite, but mainly since I want a good relationship with the rest of my family. A few months ago, after I brought up how awful he was, he said he was sorry I was hurt and that he had good intentions. He never apologized to DH.
My brother just told me that he is going to propose to his girlfriend of six months. I don’t think this is a good thing for multiple reasons. I am 99% sure they will ask the rest of my siblings and me to be in the wedding party. I am still VERY hurt over what happened. I am also bothered that they want to have their wedding in my church that they do not practice (they just want to do it for appearances). I do not want to be in the wedding, mostly because he was so mean to us. Their wedding is reminding me of all the pain this caused me.
How would you handle this:
1. Wait til she asks, and then say, “I wish I could, but after what my brother did before our wedding, I cannot.”
2. Talk to my brother proactively, saying that I am still hurt, and that while I will go to his wedding, I cannot be more involved.
3. Something else?
Post # 3
3: Something else. If she asks, you can politely decline without giving any reasons what so ever. You shouldn’t mention ANYTHING about your brother’s behavior or really go into detail about why you do not wish to participate. Just thank her, tell her you’re honored but unfortunately you must decline.
You’ve gotta let go of your feeings about them getting married in your church for ‘appearances’. That’s not your call to make. It’s also not your call to make any kind of judgement about their relationship or wedding decisions. Remember how it felt when someone tried to interfere with YOUR plans? Don’t be that person.
Post # 4
Make up an excuse…. Even if she were the meanest person, she doesn’t need to get caught up in the drama between you and your brother.
Post # 5
@KristenGotMarried: Agreed with this. Honesty isn’t always the best policy. And if you want to keep family drama out of your life, you should decline the way Kristen suggested.
Post # 6
I am not going to tell him how he should get married. My concern is if she asks me and I say no, even politely without giving the reason, she will be mad at me. I am not comfortable lying. I am open to not giving a reason, but I do not lie. I overheard her discussing a wedding she had been in- she barely knew the bride, but said, “You never turn down someone asking you to be a bridesmaid.” I don’t think she will take it well. Then she will go crying to my brother asking why. I will get a call from my brother, then the rest of my family saying I should “just suck it up.” This is why I am wondering if I should approach my brother. I think that this is about our relationship first and foremost, and the wedding has pushed it to the surface.
Post # 7
You can bring up your feelings about how you were hurt to your brother, but don’t involve his FI or the wedding at all.
Post # 8
I would not say anything until ask, and then just decline and tell her you would rather not be involved, that you love and support them but would rather be a guest at the wedding. If you open it up now it will come off wrong, she may not even be thinking of having you in the wedding
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
I wouldn’t assume- what if she has two girlfriends in her wedding party instead? Saying something now would be awkward. If she asks, politely decline, as Kristen recommended. Then talk to your brother, if you feel you must. Or wait until someone from the family contacts you about it- “It’s still too raw, from what happened when I got married.”
Post # 10
Honestly, it’s a big assumption that she’ll ask you – so you should wait on all counts. No one is advising you to lie, but just advising you to choose what you say carefully. Quite possibly, she is aware of your strained relationship with your brother and for that very reason, she may not ask. If she’s unaware, then I would give some credit to your brother for not airing dirty laundry and would suggest that you follow suit and do the same. You don’t have to lie, but you don’t have to give her unncessary details either.
Post # 11
i wouldnt bring up what happened at your wedding for a few reasons, one being that this girl wasnt even around when all that went down.
you dont have to LIE exactly, but cant you think of a few reasons it’d be impossible to be a bridesmaid right now? work schedule? finances? TTC? they may not be the MAIN reason, but they are reasons none the less
Post # 12
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
#3. Wait until she asks, and politely decline stating that you simply don’t have the time to devote to wedding planning, etc. Or, politely state that since you don’t know her that well, you’d feel more comfortable simply being a guest, and getting to know her in the mean time (who knows, you might change your mind about their nuptuals, but that doens’t mean you need to be in her wedding party).
If you want to avoid the drama, don’t dredge up the past. Even if you’re still hurt by it, it’s time to let it go.
Post # 13
@KristenGotMarried: THIS. It would be the absolutely wrong time to try and sort out the existing family drama. Your response — if asked at all— should be “while I’m flattered by your invitation, I’m afraid I have to decline.” If you’re pressed for a “why” then I’d only go as far as “My other obligations might prevent me from doing a good job for you, and I’d rather not let you down.” Period. Pick another time to try and repair your relationship with your brother.
And try not to worry about it now anyway. There’s been no proposal, and if there is a proposal you have no idea on the timing of their wedding nor on if you’ll be invited at all. By the time she invites you to be a bridesmaid— if she ever does— you may have already mended your fences, in which case stewing on the past is just going to make that harder.