Post # 1
Hi Ladies! I hope you can provide me with some insight:
One of my close friends wanted to break up with her SO a few months ago and we traveled and searched for colleges for her master’s degree. She was going to move away and break up with him. In general, their relationship has had a lot of “red flag” moments. Not to say he is the worst guy ever as much as they may be the worse match ever… Honestly though, if she didn’t talk about how much she wanted to break up with him every two months- I really wouldn’t pass judgement. You love who you love, right?
Their relationship is on an up-note. He told her he was going to propose soon. She told me to expect a call from him for ring-shopping. (Haven’t received any such call yet.) She is so super giddy- but every time she talks about how excited she is, I can’t even look her in the eye. Its hard to support her since she has told me so many bad things about their relationship.
I want my friend to be happy and I’m really trying to support her but it’s hard to follow the rollercoaster and totally be in stride with her. I also feel like if I even delicately told her how I feel, (BTW, her mother also hates him, and my friend complains about this, and I don’t know what to say) I feel like she will dismiss me for being jealous since I’m waiting for my SO to propose.
So girls- is this really my problem? Should I try to just fake it through and feign support? She isn’t stupid- I’m sure she can read my body language and I know she doesn’t bring it up nearly as much as she wants to. If I should say something- is it worth the risk of losing a friendship? It has to be hard to try to be in a relationship with someone and a friendship with someone who doesn’t like you SO.
I feel like time is ticking with impending doom and I should probably just fake support- it’s her life. However she is pretty blunt and it may just come up. I am also one of few friends she has in this city…
Post # 3
It depends a lot on your relationship and how well you think she’d take it if you voiced your doubts. If you think it would irreparably damage your relationship with her, then I would keep quiet.
Maybe a good way to put it would be to question her. “You and BF have had a lot of ups and downs in the past. What makes you think now is the time? What has changed?”
If you suspect abuse of any kind, you should definitely speak up, and don’t sugarcoat. Cheating, the same.
Post # 4
I think you should speak up honestly and clearly – once.
Tell her, I am only going to say this once, and then I’m going to keep my mouth shut. But based on everything YOU have told me about your relationship, I think it would be a terrible mistake to marry him right now. Just two months ago, you wanted out. And now you are considering committing your life to him. I want you to be happy, so that is why I am saying this. If he has made promises to you to change to be better, at least make sure he lives up to them for a while.
Post # 5
This is a hard one to respond to. If she brings it up herself, I would be kind about it but I wouldn’t lie. I would be honest and tell her that, as her friend, I am concerned for her based on what she’s told me in the past, and let her decide how to respond. It’s not like you’re coming out of left field and blindsiding her with knowledge of cheating or something like that – this is stuff that she has told you herself and is fully aware of.
Ultimately it’s her life and her decision, but if I were the girl in the relationship I would want my friends to have my best interests at heart, and in this case that’s telling the truth if/when it’s asked for. It would hurt, but after the hurt I would feel better knowing that you cared enough to be honest with me.
Post # 6
The gals above have given you great advice. I want to add that no matter what happens, love her and support her. “I don’t agree because of x, y, and z, but I love you and want you to be happy” is not the same as “I don’t support you.” The former she will probably understand, the latter will most likely cause a rift.
Post # 7
I think you should probably speak up, but like @monitajb said, just do it once, and tell her that you won’t bring it up again. You should also make it clear that she is your friend no matter what, and you will support her in any decision that she makes.
I say this as someone who was in a pretty crappy relationship for *way* too long, and as soon as I finally decided to break it off, all of my so-called-friends came out of the woodwork saying that they had never liked him at all. They all had about a billion different reasons why he was bad for me. I was pretty annoyed at the time that they hadn’t voiced their concerns much sooner…
Post # 8
I had a similar situation and I can tell you how it turned out for me. My best friend (since we were four years old) started dating my co-worker/friend, who was a raging alcoholic at the time. They had all sorts of problems from the get-go, but they were infatuated with each other and stuck together. He would lie to her, she would come crying to me…it was awful. I went through a phase where I couldn’t sleep because I was so stressed about wanting her out of the relationship. So for probably 1-2 years I would continuously try to talk her out of the relationship, and it got to the point where she would stop telling me things. I realized it was pushing our friendship apart, and finally I stopped and said to myself, it is what is is. I think it has taken a long time, like 2 years for her to fully regain trust in me. She has told others she felt judged by me. We are still best friends and things are good now. I don’t say anything negative anymore. They are engaged and getting married – I am the MOH. So I am only happy and supportive, because you know what? It is what it is, and it will turn out however it is going to.
So to sum it up – I think what the others have said is good. Maybe question her one time about it and then let it go. It will only stress you out and tear your friendship apart. People are going to do what they want, no matter what. Good luck!
Post # 9
I would speak up, but as others have said, voice it as concern. About a year ago, my best friend and I were concerned about a friend of ours because of things I had heard from her mother and my mother about her boyfriend. We brought it up, and it all went well. We just made sure she knew it was out of concern. Your situation is a bit different though. She’s mentioned issues to you before, and I would be worried as well that she’s suddenly thinking of marrying him.
And like skibobrown, I was also in a situation where my friends didn’t tell me their concerns about my boyfriend until after I broke up with him. I was with him for 4 years, and everyone acted like we were great together and kept asking when we were going to get married. I know that I wish they would have said something sooner. I certainly would have taken it better from them than from my parents, and I might have gotten out of the relationship sooner. I certainly wish that I had now.