(Closed) How do I be a Good Friend?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What should I do?
    Smile and Endure It : (2 votes)
    8 %
    Delicately Voice Your Concerns : (15 votes)
    60 %
    Be Brutally Honest and Take a Chance : (2 votes)
    8 %
    Wait It Out- Who Knows If He'll Even Propose : (6 votes)
    24 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    581 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    It depends a lot on your relationship and how well you think she’d take it if you voiced your doubts. If you think it would irreparably damage your relationship with her, then I would keep quiet.

    Maybe a good way to put it would be to question her. “You and BF have had a lot of ups and downs in the past. What makes you think now is the time? What has changed?”

    If you suspect abuse of any kind, you should definitely speak up, and don’t sugarcoat. Cheating, the same.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2209 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I think you should speak up honestly and clearly – once.

    Tell her, I am only going to say this once, and then I’m going to keep my mouth shut. But based on everything YOU have told me about your relationship, I think it would be a terrible mistake to marry him right now. Just two months ago, you wanted out. And now you are considering committing your life to him. I want you to be happy, so that is why I am saying this. If he has made promises to you to change to be better, at least make sure he lives up to them for a while.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1120 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2009

    This is a hard one to respond to. If she brings it up herself, I would be kind about it but I wouldn’t lie. I would be honest and tell her that, as her friend, I am concerned for her based on what she’s told me in the past, and let her decide how to respond. It’s not like you’re coming out of left field and blindsiding her with knowledge of cheating or something like that – this is stuff that she has told you herself and is fully aware of. 

    Ultimately it’s her life and her decision, but if I were the girl in the relationship I would want my friends to have my best interests at heart, and in this case that’s telling the truth if/when it’s asked for. It would hurt, but after the hurt I would feel better knowing that you cared enough to be honest with me.

    Post # 6
    Member
    2289 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2010

    The gals above have given you great advice. I want to add that no matter what happens, love her and support her. “I don’t agree because of x, y, and z, but I love you and want you to be happy” is not the same as “I don’t support you.” The former she will probably understand, the latter will most likely cause a rift.

    Post # 7
    Member
    1676 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I think you should probably speak up, but like @monitajb said, just do it once, and tell her that you won’t bring it up again.  You should also make it clear that she is your friend no matter what, and you will support her in any decision that she makes. 

    I say this as someone who was in a pretty crappy relationship for *way* too long, and as soon as I finally decided to break it off, all of my so-called-friends came out of the woodwork saying that they had never liked him at all.  They all had about a billion different reasons why he was bad for me.  I was pretty annoyed at the time that they hadn’t voiced their concerns much sooner…

    Post # 8
    Member
    407 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I had a similar situation and I can tell you how it turned out for me.  My best friend (since we were four years old) started dating my co-worker/friend, who was a raging alcoholic at the time. They had all sorts of problems from the get-go, but they were infatuated with each other and stuck together. He would lie to her, she would come crying to me…it was awful. I went through a phase where I couldn’t sleep because I was so stressed about wanting her out of the relationship.  So for probably 1-2 years I would continuously try to talk her out of the relationship, and it got to the point where she would stop telling me things.  I realized it was pushing our friendship apart, and finally I stopped and said to myself, it is what is is. I think it has taken a long time, like 2 years for her to fully regain trust in me. She has told others she felt judged by me. We are still best friends and things are good now. I don’t say anything negative anymore. They are engaged and getting married – I am the MOH. So I am only happy and supportive, because you know what? It is what it is, and it will turn out however it is going to.

    So to sum it up – I think what the others have said is good. Maybe question her one time about it and then let it go. It will only stress you out and tear your friendship apart. People are going to do what they want, no matter what. Good luck!

    Post # 9
    Member
    447 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2009

    I would speak up, but as others have said, voice it as concern. About a year ago, my best friend and I were concerned about a friend of ours because of things I had heard from her mother and my mother about her boyfriend. We brought it up, and it all went well. We just made sure she knew it was out of concern. Your situation is a bit different though. She’s mentioned issues to you before, and I would be worried as well that she’s suddenly thinking of marrying him.

    And like skibobrown, I was also in a situation where my friends didn’t tell me their concerns about my boyfriend until after I broke up with him. I was with him for 4 years, and everyone acted like we were great together and kept asking when we were going to get married. I know that I wish they would have said something sooner. I certainly would have taken it better from them than from my parents, and I might have gotten out of the relationship sooner. I certainly wish that I had now.

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