- 4 years ago
Its been a while… I feel like I don’t know what to do right now.
FI and I are having serious issues and I don’t know what to do about it. He says I’m being dramatic but I don’t think I am! I feel like I just don’t know where to turn, which path to take. Something has to give but what? And more importantly, how?
Ive been with my FI since 2006 when I was 21 and he 20. We were in university and we were each others first (and only) serious relationships. He was quiet but thoughtful and very very sweet. I was fun, easy going and carefree. We loved each others company and enjoyed a wonderful honeymoon period for about a year, but then after we graduated we had to take jobs on opposite coasts. The long distance was horrible, we would spend 2 months apart at a time and were never together for very long. But after a year and a half he managed to get a job where I was and we moved in together. It was wonderful to start with, we went through another ‘honeymoon’ period and we decided to buy a house together. I had always taken the lead in the relationship, he seemed happy with the dynamic, I enjoyed having the ‘control’. We bought a house together about 6 months after living together, I organised everything (realtors, banks, legal), he came for the viewings that I organised, gave his opinions, we picked a place that needed work (my desire for a doer upper that we could make our own) and moved in In 2009.
The arguing started almost immediately. We’d bicker from time to time but these were full blown shouting fights. We mainly argued about sex, or a lack of it in his opinion. I tried to make an effort, his drive is just higher than mine. Plus I’d put on about 20lbs and didn’t feel sexy like I used to. the good times were still great though, but more and more we’d argue and shout at each other that we didn’t want to be together any more. But then we’d make up and all would be good again for a few weeks or months. Then he started getting really aggressive. Not being able to control his temper, hitting things, threatening to hit me (my fault for antagonising him he said), I’d see his whole body get tense and he would shout at me with such anger in his eyes. What did we argue about? Sex, housework, money. I know exactly how to wind him up and I admit sometimes I would do or say stuff to hurt him or press his buttons when he ignored me.
Despite all of this, we got engaged. We’d been together 6 years and id watched plenty of my friends getting engaged and married and I thought it should be our turn next. I admit I did have to pester him into doing it, I dropped plenty of hints and finally when he said ok we went shopping together to pick the ring. He proposed when we were on vacation in the spring. It was lovely and we had a month or so of no arguments, basking in the glow of our engagement. But we got into old habits, things that we’d agreed on to try and make our relationship better (like the love language things) fell by the wayside a bit and our arguing started up again. He swears a lot when we fight and calls me names (b*tch is his favourite) and calls me fat etc. I tell him its emotional abuse but he just says I do it to him so its like payback. He will get right in my face and shout and when I try and push him away he will just stand his ground. I try not to let him know I’m scared of him then, but I am. When we both calm down, we say sorry and say we don’t mean it but I feel like with every argument I care less and less.
My mum passed away in the summer. It was sudden although she’d been ill for along time. Obviously I was devasted (still am), and he was lovely and supportive for a few weeks. But as I stopped crying as much and he thought I was getting over it, it seemed like his temper returned. Several times I’ve had to walk away mid fight because I am crying my heart out. I feel like I’ve let my mum down by letting him talk and treat me like this. She gave everything so that I would have a fantastic life, which I do-apart from what’s happening in my relationship.
Today it has come to a head. I’ve been trying to organise meetings with wedding-types (caterers, photographers, bands) but because if his work he is often away during the week and its been difficult trying to coordinate dates. Anyway I booked some appointments in November because it was the earliest they could see us, and I told him and he said he couldnt make them as he has work commitments and I got angry saying why didn’t he tell me his schedule and then he just got super angry, calling me names saying I am a liar, calling me crazy, a mess, just basically putting me down. I tried to stay really calm during this outburst and basically said I don’t think I want this any more. He said good, that I forced him to propose, that he doesn’t want it either. It doesnt feel like heat if the moment any more, this feels real. But I really don’t see us following through with it.
Ive not spoken to anyone about this before but I really need to sort this out. I can’t keep going like this. I feel like I owe it to my mum to be the happiest I can be and this isn’t it. Recently a friend of mine read my tarot cards and while I don’t want to base anything on that, the reading came out a ‘new beginning’ in my future along with healing. I just assumed it was related to my mum but after today, I can’t help but wonder if actually its pointing towards something else…
So I obviously can’t tell the whole story here but right now I’m shaking not knowing what to do. We’ve been together 7 years. Its not something I can just walk away from. But what are my options?