Post # 1
Fiancé has two children (girl 10 boy 13). He has them every other week for a week.
we get along just fine and all is well. They have their own rooms etc…
the 13 year old expressed tonight in a conversation With me that he would love to have the basement. I told him that if we ever have a baby together then he will definitely have the basement. He then turned around and said that he forgot but he has a fear of the basement and he won’t want to move there.
Then we got into a talk about how much he doesn’t want me to have a baby and that it would effect his life and even though I told him that it won’t and he won’t have to babysit he repeatedly said that he refuses and doesn’t want us to have a baby and he will do anything possible to make sure I don’t have one!
im already on stress medication due to wedding planning and doing it on my own and this just added enough to make me want to crawl in a ball and cry.
how do I deal with this?
fiance has two and that’s great. I don’t have any children and am 33 in a week. I feel like my clock is ticking but on top of it I had way too much stress and issues in my life and I really feel like I am at the end of my ability to cope with drama that is beyond my control.
fiance doesn’t understand because his children are angels in front of him and would never say this stuff in his presence
Post # 3
I would have told him that as a 13 year old and a child, while you will always respect his feelings, he in no way has a say as to whether you and FI decide for another baby. All you can do is reiterate how it won’t change his life drastically or that you’ll love him any less. Once a baby comes, he’ll get over it.
Post # 4
@sunshine_kar: that’s what I told him and also mentioned that maybe he won’t have to move to a basement but instead we get a bigger house. ( we only have three bedrooms). Then he said that he likes our house and that it will still effect his life because he will have to move. Just being very difficult on purpose.
im scared because we already have a low percentage to conceive because of finance having to have to go through a reversal of vasectomy after 9 years of having the procedure. Then me being at the age I am and difficulties that come with that. And me already being on meds now as my nerves are irritated due to stress 🙁
Post # 5
@Lulume: childrens feelings change all the time I’d cross that bridge when it’s here.
Theirs no point worrying about something that isn’t happening for some time yet.
Post # 6
@Lulume: “Then we got into a talk about how much he doesn’t want me to have a baby and that it would effect his life and even though I told him that it won’t”
Well of course it’s going to affect his life. I think for kids around that age – kids who’ve become used to what life is like, and who are already facing changes in their family – it can be really difficult to get used to the idea of a new baby. It will affect his life and his experience in your family. Maybe it makes him feel nervous, like his dad might not focus on him and his sister once a new baby comes, or you won’t feel the same about your fiance’s kids as you do about your own (I’m not saying this is true, but it’s something some kids feel). A new baby will, naturally, take attention away from him and he may not like that – and that’s a normal feeling.
It comes down to the fact that you and your fiance are the ones who will determine if you have a baby, but you have to realize that it will be a change in the lives of your fiance’s kids and in your family as a whole, and while his way of expressing his feelings is frustrating and hurtful for you, what he’s feeling isn’t that unusual.
Post # 7
@Lulume: He’s 13, not 3. He should be able to have a mature converstion about how dad and new wife might have a child, but they will love him just as much as they always have. I think the person to have this conversation should be his father, not you.
You just ignore him. My 14 year old makes all sorts of crazy random requests (get a new car, get a dog, etc). You don’t let a 13 year old tell you what to do with your life.
Post # 9
I understand that his father should have conversations with him about this and not me. But the fact is that the kids don’t have such conversations with him. Whenever he tries to talk to his son about any issues, the son responds that all is fine. He only lets me know when he has stuff on his mind and then I talk to the father about it.
i also know that a baby will change everyone’s life but not the way that he was telling me. He said that he doesn’t want to be responsible for the baby and that he won’t babysit, also he doesn’t want to move his room because of the baby. All those concerns were cleared by me. But I guess you’re right, he is just worried about the attention. But I don’t see how, he already has a younger sister who btw would lovto or us to have a baby and she lets us know that all the time.
Post # 10
@Lulume: Yes, but he was *3* when his sister was born, so she’s essentially been a part of his life and family for the majority of his memory. A new baby at 13 – especially a new baby in a blended family – is unknown territory. I would be patient with his feelings on this, even if they are based on inaccurate perceptions. Plenty of 13 year olds think the idea of their parent(s) having a baby is pretty awful or weird.
I don’t necessarily think it’s a problem if he is comfortable talking to you and doesn’t want to talk to his dad, as long as he is respectful about it. I do think at this point you might want to mention these concerns to your fiance and ask him to talk to his kids about how your family might change over the next few years.
Don’t let this stress you out too much. Kids and young teenagers change their minds quite frequently, and they sometimes don’t adapt to changes the way we want them to or expect them too. And maybe his little sister’s enthusiasm for a sibling will rub off on him over time…
Post # 11
I would have the conversation with the kids together at this point. if he says one thing to you and another to dad. its time to have it together and he needs to be blunt with the child and say why have you been telling (you) that you are afriad of moving to the basement only after she mentioned a baby. 13 years old is old enough to know better then to make up such things and try to play innocent, and is definitely old enough to have a blunt conversation like that if talkings seperately have occured and he denies everything to the father.
Post # 12
My BIL/SIL sorta had the same problem, SIL had a child before she married BIL, so for almost nephews life he had been an only child at age 14 mom and step dad had a baby, Nephew had pretty much the same talk, he didn’t want to move rooms to baby sit. He ended up having to baby sit a lot. So I get where the 13 yr old is coming from.
I would take the 13 yr old feelings into consideration and yes a baby will change everyone’s lives a lot. I would sit him down both your FI and yourself and have a discussion and listen to the boys fears and reassure him, and let him know he can’t decide for you but his feelings will be heard and taken into consideration.
Post # 13
Are you willing to consider that perhaps you are not emotionally ready to have another child? If you are already on medication for stress, and a conversation with a 13 year old makes you want to crawl in a ball and cry, you may not be ready for this.
13 year olds are very self centred. He likely sees his world turning upside down with a new baby, but he will adjust.He didn’t forget that he has a fear of the basement. He is just trying to guilt you into not having a baby.
Post # 14
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Why are you talking about your family planning with your 13 year old in the first place? They are your kids, thus they don’t get to have a say in this matter. Keep the discussion where it belongs… between the adults.
Post # 15
@lovekiss: I didn’t start the conversation with the 13 year old. He butted in during a conversation that I was having with a family member as he overheard something and started asking questions etc. there was no way to not answer his at the beginning innocent questions about the basement. Family member also didn’t see anything wrong with the conversation and she as well answered few as she is fully aware of our situation etc… things derailed when a baby was mentioned which was brought up by the 10 year old.
i don’t generally have grown up conversatioas with the children this one was unavoidable
Post # 16
@julies1949: not planning for a child till the end of next year maybe or year after. However I donot want to try for one past age of 35. It’s not something that we are thinking of this moment.
im stressed due to working full time, part time school, wedding planning and issues with my mother and father that are in another country.