Post # 1
I have 6 bridesmaids that I asked a year ago when we first got engaged. Now we’re counting down to the last 3 months before the wedding and I’m finding it harder to think of reasons on KEEPING one bridesmaid. I’ve read a lot of posts and blogs saying that the best reasons to fire a bridesmaid are if: she’s cheating with your fiance, doesn’t approve of your wedding, can’t handle the responsibilities of the wedding, or doesn’t have the time devoted to be in your wedding.
All these are valid reasons but this particular bridesmaid doesn’t fit the bill. It’s just started in the very beginning when I asked her to be a bridesmaid. She ecstatically said yes and then I started bridesmaid-dress shopping. She hated every dress I picked and didn’t understand why I wanted to have the same styles for all the girls. On a side note–I paid for all the dresses! So it wasn’t a matter of cost for her, I picked a very standard dress–one shoulder a-line that is knee length.
Next problem, all the bridesmaids unanimously voted on the bachelorette party to be in Vegas–and a side note is that she is one of the girls that is extremely comfortable with spending money. Well from the beginning with planning the trip–she’s shot down every idea the MOH has, wants to stay in different hotels than planned because the “pool is nicer”, doesn’t want to split costs. Then when my MOH mentioned that costs are always split, she said she’d never heard of a wedding party paying for bride as well! Not to mention that I’ve told her this before through chat AND via quarterly newsletters I sent to the wedding party.
I know they may seem like minor things, but she’s really starting to stress me out and I’m not sure how much of this friendship I’ll really be missing anymore. But it’s difficult because her boyfriend is also a groomsman, so she’ll most likely be coming to the wedding no matter what. HELP!!!
Post # 3
Ugh, I hate that she is being a Debbie Downer. But, I think if her boyfriend is a groomsman, you can’t fire her. That is a tricky situation. I think unless you decide to terminate BOTH friendships (yours and hers, and your FI’s and the groomsman’s) you can’t do it. If you kick her out, the b/f will get mad at you and your FI and you will end up losing two people. I (personally) don’t think she has done enough to warrant being kicked out of the party, but thats just my opinopn.
Secondly, why are you hearing about all the bachelorette party drama? You shouldn’t know about any of that. All you should be responsible for is showing up the day of and having fun, you shouldn’t be involved with all the planning, etc.– that is your MOH’s job or whoever is throwing the party. My advice would be to not cut her out of the bridal party. I think considering her b/f is a groomsman, there is no tactful way to do it. Secondly, try to distance yourself from the bachelorette planning. Tell you MOH (or whoever is hosting) that you don’t want to hear any more details because you want to be surprised. Just ask to be told what day and place to show up and let them handle the rest. If you never hear about half of this stuff, you won’t care.
I think it all sounds pretty minor, and I would try to just minimize her role in things if possible. Delegate more responsibilities to the girls you know you can count on, and don’t expect much more than for her to show up and look cute on the wedding day. Just think of her as a B list birdesmaid– lol. As far as bachelorette party stuff, your bridal party needs to do a better job of shielding you from any negative wedding stuff that you don’t need to know.
Post # 4
Thanks Tx!!! Trust me, I’ve tried to stay away from bachelorette planning from the very beginning but it’s hard when my MOH is my sister and she was having trouble with the compliant bridesmaid 🙂
Post # 5
Lol, well I didn’t realize your MOH was your sister– that makes things harder! Just tell her that Debbie Downer bridesmaid is driving you nutso, and you can’t stand to hear another thing about her. Then start doing shots the minute you hit the tarmac in Vegas, and everytime Debbie Downer starts talking, hand her another drink. Soon enough, neither of you will be coherent enough to care about which hotel has the best pool.
I hope it all works out. I’m in the camp that feels firing a bridesmaid is a pretty serious decision, so I would try to avoid it if you can, especially considering her b/f is a groomsman.
Post # 6
Also, I would tell your MOH to tell her that she MUST split costs to attend. That is just the way it is done– the bride is always paid for by the wedding party members. If she is unwilling to split costs, then she can’t attend the bach. party– simple as that. It isn’t fair to the other bridesmaids if Debbie Downer doesn’t have to help cover your expense. Also, an added bonus is that maybe she will gt in a huff about not wanting to share the bach. cost and will kick herself out of the wedding!
Post # 7
I agree with Texas. I don’t think she’s done anything to warrant firing. (To add her bf in the mix, being in the BP, I would really advise against it.) If you let your friendship fade after the wedding, OK. But I would ride this out, esepcially since it looks like your Fi and her bf are friends, and you’re likely to see her often.
Post # 8
i agree with texaslawgirl – tell your sister to lay down the law. im guessing your sister/MOH is trying to handle her with kid gloves because she is one of your friends and doesnt want to create waves, etc. but let her know that the BM is driving you nuts, and she can do what needs to be done.
you say that her BF is a GM in the wedding as well – is it possible that shes being nutso lately because shes jealous youre getting married and shes not? always something to think about when it comes to females in wedding parties that all of a sudden start fliping the script on you for no reason.
not excusing her behavior – but looking for a reason for it so maybe something can be done to rectify it. *shrugs* good luck. i definately feel your pain!!!!
Post # 9
Yeah, I’m not reading what she has done to deserve being “fired”. In fact, she may be put off by the expectation of paying your way to Vegas. My girls and I are going to Vegas for the bachelorette party, and I would never expect them to pay for my travel expenses. Maybe a nice dinner out or something, but the whole trip?? I’m just grateful they are taking the time and spending the money to help me celebrate.
I don’t think there is a way to ask her to step down without essentially ending the friendship.
Post # 10
look if she doesnt like what ur MOH is picking out then eff that…she can just stay behind for your bachelorette party. its YOUR wedding for gods sake! YOU pick what YOU want cause YOU are the bride!! i think SO many of us forget that little detail!!
i agree with others, you let the MOH bitch someone out if necessary 😉 let the MOH remind her who’s wedding it is anyway!!
and i cant believe shes being so rude about paying for stuff, my god, that’s kinda a responsibility you KNOWINGLY take on expenses and tasks. you have paid for more than enough.
Post # 11
Maybe I’m one of the few here, but I’ve never been expected to or known anyone who expected the bridal party to pay for their destination bachelorette party. I understand buying drinks and a few things, but paying for the whole weekend of someone else on top of your own can get really pricy and I’m sure she’s just a little upset about that. Regardless of whether or not you told her you expected her to pay via chat, I still wouldn’t be happy about it personally.
Yes, she isn’t being the easiest to deal with and if she isn’t paying for the dress then she shouldn’t be complaining, but as annoying as these things are, I really wouldn’t see them as being reason enough to fire her, especially if it would make things awkward for your FI and the groomsman.
Post # 12
I say have your sister tell her that she either splits the cost, or she can stay home. She doesn’t have to be at the bachelorette party, and it seems like at this point you might have more fun if she wasn’t there. So present her these two options and then put the ball in her court. That doesn’t mean that you should kick her out though. At this point, she has a dress, all she needs to do is to show up at the wedding on time. Anything else is optional. Tell your sister not to let her try to control things, cut her out of any of the planning. Instead, present things (the bachelorette, the shower, whatever) to her already planned, and give her the option of showing up or not. That’s it. That’s really the only way I can see you and your sister not having to deal with her stress while still saving the friendship, you know?
Post # 13
She definitely isn’t “fire worthy.” She actually has a pretty valid point! If she is going to be splitting costs to cover your expenses for the bach. party, then she should have a say in the location, activities, etc. so that she can afford it! It’s not fair for the other girls to pressure her into paying for a weekend for you in Vegas. If it’s not reasonable for her, then your BMs need to come up with an alternative where she can help pay, or they need to accept the fact that she may not be coming at all (I don’t think she should be part of a weekend she’s not helping with!). Having said all that, if she can afford it and she’s just being bratty about splitting your costs, then your MOH needs to let her know: either you split the costs and attend the party, or you don’t attend. It’s not rocket science!
Post # 14
I agree with MightySapphire and others. I don’t see anything “fire-worthy” (and I’d like to add that I don’t feel that if a BM “doesn’t have enough time to devote to the wedding” isn’t fire worthy either – these are our FRIENDS, not hired help!). I also think it’s kind of rude that you assume that just because she has money to spend that YOU should be the one to decide where she spends it.
I hope this all works out for you and that you have an amazing bachelorette party and that you keep your friendship with this gal. Don’t lose sight of the fact that weddings are about celebrating love with the ones we love the most.
Post # 15
- Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas
I agree with what others have said that it seems like a lot to ask her to split the costs for a destination bachelorette party. I understand for a small scale one being held in your town, but with flights/hotels/dinners, that would get really expensive – I don’t think it’s fair to force her to help pay for that.
Post # 16
WE ALL HAVE AT LEAST OF THOSE!!!!
one of my bridesmaids is an aunt of mine who is very close to me. but she complains about everything!! she doesnt like the dress, doesnt like the idea that my bridal shower will be girls only ( when shes not even helping with it!), and to make matters worse, she asked if she could bring her best friend to my wedding when i dont even know her!!! uggh.. i feel the same way you do, but i was expecing it to come from someone. people have different personalities and to tell you the truth nobody really understands what we’re going through until its their turn!
so just go with the flow, if shes the only one disagreeing let her know that majority votes win! so her opinions are crap! =P
its your wedding, your day, its all about YOU! dont let her pessimism ruin anything for you.