How do I forgive FI for not giving me a proper proposal?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4441 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@Janelle123:  I don’t think there’s any magical thing you can think and make it go away but just look forward to the wedding day.  The engagement matters so little in the grand scheme of things!

Post # 4
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Janelle123:  Are you or are you not planning to marry the man you love and want for your husband? If the answer is yes then you need to get over it. Who cares how he proposed if the end result is what you really want? 

Post # 5
Member
3341 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Have you asked him what he was waiting for to propose?  it seems strange to me that you had the ring that long and he never asked :-/ … Was he waiting for something in particular ? Could he “redo” the proposal?

Post # 6
Member
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@Janelle123:  For the record, some guys don’t do well under pressure. I had to hold my guy’s hand throughout the ring shopping process (he made the final decision by himself – I was very proud of him) and even helped give him ideas on how to ask. It is entirely possible that your guy had no clue how to plan the actual proposal or what to do for it. Or its possible that he was coming up with ideas that didn’t work out or that he decided to ditch his plan completely when he saw how sad you were.

I definitely am a big believer in not agreeing to something unless you are completely committed. Technically, he did ask you to marry him when he asked if you wanted to wear the ring. If you wanted a more traditional proposal (one knee asking the question) then that was the time to discuss it and let him know.

You should consider counseling – for both of you. I think there may be communication issues at work here and it could help you guys work through your resentment towards one another. Waiting is tough, but so is proposing and working to a point where you feel ready to ask. It’s possible that he feels disappointed that he never got the chance to actually ask you.

Post # 7
Member
1599 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@sillysillybee:  this

 

It’s really not that big of a deal.  Once you’re married, no one will ask you how he proposed anymore. Its a small blip in your life together… if it’s THAT big of a deal, it might be worth re-evaluating why you’re getting married in the first place.

Post # 8
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Sounds to me like if you want a big romantic proposal you better do it yourself! Maybe he was waiting for you to make the first move? Turn the tables and take him out to dinner, maybe that will jog his romantic side.

Post # 9
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Janelle123:  It is strange that he didn’t propose for several months after buying the ring. Maybe he felt too much pressure since you knew it was coming? I think you need to have an honest conversation with him about WHY he didn’t propose properly. If he loves you and wants to make you happy, he will agree to “redo” if that’s what you need to come to terms with it. 

Post # 10
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I think you have to decide what’s more important four little words and a ring on your finger or a lifetime of memories and expereinces.  I think you’re right to be worried that you haven’t moved past this because it’s continuting to have a negative impact on your relationship and is holding you back.  It’s sounds like you are putting everything on one moment rather than the years you two have together.  

A proposal is about as perfect as the two people involved make it to be.  There are many of us out there who had less than perfect proposals and yet have perfectly happy relationships.  I’d work on this ASAP before it affects your relationship any further.

Post # 11
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee

@Janelle123:  You know, I was feeling the same, my fiancé and I had been together for 5 years when he proposed. It was out of the blue and not at all romantic and didn’t seem prepared and thought through and he had no ring. Read on, there is a good ending :-).

It was our 5 year anniversary and we were visiting my family in Italy, very romantic setting you must be thinking. We were with my cousins about to go in the pool, so he and I went up to our room to get changed, so there he is in his swimming shorts and I’m just taking off my top and he suddenly drops down and blurts something about how he wants us to get married but he isn’t prepared – never asked me if I wanted to marry him. I sat on the bed, I asked him for 10 minutes if he was joking (I mean, look at the setting) to the point it wasn’t funny for either of us anymore because he picked up on my shock and disappointment and I finally said, well, ok ?

That was it ! 

I resented him for a good 7 months as he told me he had actually PLANNED it, I thought…this is your planned proposal ? Waiting for me to be with my swimwear half put on, you in orange shorts, blurting out random words? Until I stumbled on a site of worst proposals, and mine could have easily been posted, I actually laughed out loud and sent them to my FI saying, I can appreciate his clumsiness with words and that the proposal doesn’t matter, because in the end his intentions are to marry you THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. Let go of the Hollywoodian romantic proposal we see in the movies where everything is almost or is perfect and it is the best day ever. Yes, sometimes men can screw it up, but it doesn’t mean they don’t want to marry you and that’s what you should focus on.

 

I can honestly say today I find his proposal funny, and I don’t resent him anymore. Yes it is that site (it was very stupid but very funny stories) that made me take a step back and realize the pettiness behind wanting a perfect proposal and not getting it and resenting FI over it. 

Post # 12
Member
6644 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Janelle123:  Either you just get over it or you don’t and let it keep affecting your relationship.  It is such a small thing in life and after your married no one cares how you got engaged.  Quit dwelling in the past and plan your wedding

Post # 13
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee

@Janelle123:  I understand your disappointement, but it really sounds to me as if, for at least one entire year, you couldn’t simply enjoy going on dates with your SO anymore – it was always linked to an expectation from you, and a pressure on him. When you finally couldn’t stop being upset, I think he simply thought it would make you happy to have the ring. I can’t blame him. He bought peace I think. 

You really have to change your mindset about this. You’re equally responsible for this ”lack of proposal”, don’t you think ? It’s not about him not loving you enough, but see it that way : what if he truly wanted to surprise you, but always felt you were constantly suspecting him to propose at each restaurant date, each romantic date, each Holiday, each event ?

And I have to agree with @LauraJay: why should it be only the man’s responsability ? FI and I agreed, sitting on our couch, that we would get married. But I surprised him a year later by a romantic, symbolic proposal (love letter) that I read to him, telling him how much I loved him, how much he changed my life and made me happy, and how much I couldn’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him. He was extrelemy touched. He confessed he thought about doing something similar for me since we didn’t have a formal proposal (it was proper to us, though), but me asking him meant even more to him. 

Maybe try this non traditional route. For all you know, your FI might just have spent a year thinking you cared more about the ring. Prove him wrong. 

Post # 14
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee

@Janelle123:  there I found it  ! 

 

“I knew a guy who was at McDonalds with his girlfriend one time, and as a joke he wrapped a fry around her finger and said, “Will you McMarry me?” She started crying and called her mom and like started planning the wedding the next day. He hadn’t meant to propose but he didn’t have the heart to tell her so, so he just married her. Lost touch since then, but I would be very surprised if they’re still married today.”

“My boyfriend and I had discussed marriage. He said “I don’t think I ever want to marry you.” He meant that he never wanted to get married again (he’s divorced), but that gives you a sense of just how suave a wordsmith my prince charming is. So anyway we decided we weren’t going to get married, but that we’d still like to have a baby. The morning the little stick turned pink, he shot down on one knee and proposed. In the bathroom. Holding a positive pregnancy test covered in my urine. I said no, of course. Eventually I relented. Romantic, yes???

“I did one..my birthday, she was taking me out to eat and i couldnt find anywhere to hide the ring. She asked if everything was okay and i said , “might as well get this out of the way”. I proposed to her in our garage.”
 
My personal favorite :

“Saw a couple in a jewelry store when my wife and I were looking. Guy asks to see a ring, kneels, “will you marry me?”. She flips…..ohmygod! yes yes yes!! He says “great!” then hands the ring back to the employee and tries to leave the store. He proposed with a borrowed ring. Tries to explain to the girl he couldn’t afford the ring but wanted to propose correctly. She slaps him so hard my face hurt (she put her whole body into the slap) and starts screaming about how her mother was right, etc. etc. No clue if they ever got together, but it was hard to watch.”

Post # 15
Member
1506 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@Janelle123:  Tell him that you’re upset that it wasn’t a formal proposal… that you still love him, but you feel like you missed out on a major life event. Maybe ask him if sometime in the near future he would take you out to dinner or somewhere special and re-propose?

Post # 16
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Janelle123:  This is a question only you can answer for yourself. 

I did not have a down-on-one-knee proposal; we had a discussion (started by him) and both agreed we wanted to get married, then we immediately started planning, and picked out a ring. And I was thrilled with all of it; it’s not a fairytale story but it was what I wanted. I think it’s too important a decision to have him make it unilaterally, so I wouldn’t have been very comfortable with saying “yes” to a big public proposal and THEN having the real conversation that agreeing to marriage entails, and I am not someone who valued waiting for a fake “surprise” proposal after having already clearly established that we both wanted to be married.

That said, I never for a moment doubted, after that conversation, that he was excited and onboard with the engagement or the wedding planning. So him not “proposing” in a hollywood way wasn’t important. I certainly have never felt that there was anything to forgive.

So… to me, it doesn’t sound like you’re actually most upset about the lack of a proposal. It sounds like you’re upset that he basically gave you the ring because you were upset and maybe worry that he didn’t really want to be engaged at all. It doesn’t sound from your description like he’s very demonstrative of enthusiasm for the engagement. And that’s an understandable thing to be upset about… but to fix it, you have to realize what it is you’re really looking for, and determine whether or not he can give it to you. If you get sadder and sadder and withdraw more and more until he plans something fancy out of desperation but is resentful… it’s not going to fix it. If the problem is (and it really sounds like it is) that you feel unappreciated and like he’s not really enthusiastic about marrying you, a redo alone isn’t going to fix it (frankly, if it is- if ALL you need is for him to kneel down- then I would say it’s time to just buck up).

I think your concerns are legit, but you need to talk to him about them in a calm, non-accusatory way that doesn’t focus on the proposal and the ring, which are just symbols, but on the feelings that they’re supposed to be the outward representations of, and which it sounds like you both aren’t feeling 100% about.

 

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