(Closed) How do I get my fiance to help me with chores and planning w/o nagging?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Ms March, I will be in much the same situation when our LDR is over, he has to be prompted at everything: just like my dad. He is 28, and his mum still does his ironing.

My mum tells my dad "I’m not your mother, I am not running around after you" Along with saying it’s like having 3 kids and not two etc…but then that just sounds like nagging I guess! 

 

I’ve pleaded to bf to have some consideration and set reminder alarms on his phone if he thinks he will forget to do something,  because I can’t think of everything for me AND him as well.

Post # 4
Member
7175 posts
Busy Beekeeper

You just have to stop mothering him.  How will he ever grow up, if there’s always someone to do things for him?  

I TOTALLY get why you are doing it … you don’t want to live in a house w/o groceries or have him with unkept clothes, etc- but that’s where you need to start to lighten up.  You are totally his mother and you need to stop the pattern NOW.  And, you need to suck it up and deal with it, if he doesn’t do his share of the tasks (ie: not do it FOR him, but live without it that week).  So, if he’s task for the week is doing ‘x’ and he doesn’t do it – then guess what – it just doesn’t happen. 

The goal here is to get him to see that HE has to take responsibility and you aren’t going to come after him and take care of it.  HE doesn’t have a clue as to what you do to have the household running well and because you sound at your wits end about it, it’s time to make some changes.

…I would have made him go to your friend’s wedding w/o his suit.  You need to let him deal with the consequences of his behavior (even though you don’t like the reflection it puts on you). 

Post # 5
Member
1379 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I think, just like you said, you need to take a few things off your plate.  I think it’ll take a conversation, and probably not the easiest one, but you just have to come up with a list of all the things you do around the house and ask him to do the same … I’m sure he’ll see during that list making that you handle a LOT.  Now it doesn’t seem like you resent him for it, but just rather are overwhelmed. I think you should let him know that, and ask him – what do you think you can do to help me? Which of the tasks that I do are things you think YOU could do instead? I think the dog sounds like one big one … and perhaps if you made a grocery list – he could do the shopping.  We LOVE planning our weeks out on Sundays — we go through things we have during the week (he plays basketball on tuesdays and I make sure to go to the gym or dinner with friends) and then we make a plan.  Wednesdays are wedding planning days — we take an hour or sometimes two and set it aside to just talk wedding. Tuesdays we don’t watch TV and just spend some time together reading or listening to music. I think if you have an adult conversation with him about it, you’ll be happily surprised by his response!

Post # 6
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I know this may not apply to your situation right now because your fiance cleans at the moment. But, one day you may need it.

 

For a VERY long time, all of the house chores were my responsibility simply because he was too lazy to do anything once he got home from work. When we had a smaller place, I just ignored it because it only took me an hour or two to get everything done. But now, we have a much bigger house and it’s not fair for me to devote 6+ hours per week just to clean up after his mess.

 

One day, I got fed up with his laziness. And, I told him that if he didn’t start helping out around the house, I was hiring a maid to come two times per week and it was coming out of his salary.He didn’t take my threat seriously, so I began searching for local cleaning services and requesting quotes.

 

He cleaned up his act pretty quickly.

 

Post # 7
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I know this is an old post, but wanted to chime in since DH and I went through these ‘growing pains’ ourselves. DH has always been neat, but never really cleaned when he lived on his own and also never thought past that one meal at the grocery store. Literally. Like he would make a trip to the store just to buy 1 can of soup to eat for dinner that night.

What happened for us was once DH moved in and I couldn’t take it anymore with all the cleaning/shopping/cooking etc. while working the same hours as him, I told him we had to divide up the tasks, but he could choose which jobs were his. He chose the floors, trash and dusting while I did the bathrooms and kitchen. We each go to the grocery store once a week and take turns cooking every other night.

The key is to let him choose how he wants to contribute and follow up with praising him over and over when he does a good job. “Wow, the floors are so clean thank you Sweetheart!” Your FI’s Mom can’t do that for him from 2,000 miles away so it’s really on him. You can use the same technique for the wedding planning, maybe ask if he wants to be in charge of the music, but give him deadlines. We need to have a playlist to the DJ by X date. Then he’ll realize and appreciate how hard it is for you to be doing all of it alone.

Post # 8
Member
990 posts
Busy bee

I have tried all of these suggestions before and NONE have worked for me…with the exception of the maid services and I think I am going to try that. FI complains that I nag him and if I just leave him alone, he would do it. But in reality, he will take a long time to do something easy and simple. I know he works and is tired when he gets home, as am I, I too have a job. For example, FI can never do the laundry from start to finish. He will start it on Saturday and do some, work on it a little on Sunday and by Wednesday have some left in the dryer, some still needing to be washed, etc. It drives me crazy because he could do it all the way through if he just does it, but then he gets distracted by the computer or his cell phone, he can never finish. It’s so frustrating!

Post # 9
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Oh, I just realized how old this thread is! I’m so sorry for digging up an old thread, I know a lot of ladies can find this annoying!

Post # 10
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

We both have different schedules for when things need to be done so it’s been hard managing everything.  And if I want something done, I can ask him and he doesn’t see it as nagging and he doesn’t get mad.  Which is nice and everything but seriously is everything on me?  I either do it or tell him to to do.  Can you not tell the bathroom trash is overflowing as well as the kitchen?  In the past I’ve brought up doing our own laundry and dishes and whatever so that he is on his own and he said that he would get his act together.  Yeah…

>>I want him to think of stuff on his own and follow through without me always having to ask and ask.<<

I told him this weekend that I wanted to be a wife, not a mom.  I wanted it to be 50/50.  Sure some things I can let go until he does them but I get how you can’t not feed the dog or give him medication.  That’s different than letting the dishes pile up.

I did ask if he would be into hiring someone but he said he doesn’t trust them so that’s leverage I have when we have a house.  I told him I was not going to be cleaning the house on my own.  And in my mind, I bookedmarked that getting a house cleaner may get his butt in gear and if not, I have no qualms about it.  I tried positive reinforcement, and that didn’t work.

I know some couples where cleaning is a huge issue between them so that hire someone so no one can be mad at the other. 

I had to have an emotional breakdown for my then FI to see that planning really is overwhelming and doing it alone was not working.  Same thing with the responsibilty of the house.  I asked him for help several times before I broke down in tears because all the responsibility was falling on me.  Maybe I just need to cry from the get go to let him know I am serious?!?!  LOL.


Post # 11
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

These behaviors sound very familiar to me and I can honestly say were at the root of my problems with my ex, yes ex-husband. After 14 years I had enough. We tried to work through it but the thought of starting a family with a man who acted like my child was too much for me.

Ladies, if this describes your man, you need to nip in the bud. It will not get better with time on its own. Just worse.

Post # 12
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I do it myself and wrong.  Or get halfway through something he was supposed to do and yell “HELP” while I am balanced on the edge of the tub trying to mount a shelf to the wall.  

Post # 13
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

This all sounds very familiar! My FI and I went through the same exact thing. I was doing all the wedding planning, working the same amount of hours he was, and doing all the cooking, cleaning, etc at the house. That lasted for about a month, until I said something. It went in one ear and out the other. It made him feel “controlled” and he didn’t like”the way” I asked him to do things around the house. Turns out that was an excuse from making me feel bad so that I wouldn’t nag him anymore. After crying several times, and having fight after fight. I told him that we’re hiring a cleaning person and it’s coming out of our joint account. He doesn’t trust anyone, nor wanted to spend the money. I told him how unfair it is for me to do everything and he won’t even consider splitting the cost of a cleaning person. After the third time I made this threat and said I’m going to start calling around for quotes, and that I’ll have them come clean when he’s out golfing (I knew this would really irritate him b/c he wouldn’t want someone snooping around when he’s out golfing for several hours) then he gave in. I came up with a daily/weekly task of things that need to get done, and we allotted the time it takes for each task and I asked him which he wanted to do. Also, he usually gets things in order when he knows we’re having company. I insisted that relationships are about team work and that we both have to help each other. I also gave him the music, videographer, and photographer stuff to do, since they’re the most “guy” type things, and it really made him feel good to know that I was trusting him with those duties. I told him that I have no idea what to look for when interviewing those vendors, and that I think he’ll be better at it. Empowerment is the key to having your guy step up and be the man of the house. He needs to know or (at least think) that he’s still in control and can be his own person although he’s in a committed relationship. All because of this, our arguments have been cut substantially. Good luck!

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