Post # 1
- Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ
My FI’s family is conservative Christian. I have been struggling with certain members of her family now for the 5 years we’ve been together – rude comments, inappropriate behavior, etc. – mostly from a few key people, but almost everyone in her immediate family had only negative things to say about us when my Fiance first told them we were together. I’ve pretty much ignored it and tried to be positive.
A few months ago I went with my Fiance to her grandmother’s funeral in CA. At the time, we stayed with her sister and BIL who I thought supported us. While we were staying with them, the sister brought up my religious beliefs and our relationship.
I started crying because I’ve been dealing with this for 5 years, and having someone start asking all these questions about why I believe what I believe, and arguing that the bible is the truth was difficult. After about an hour of answering her questions, and crying, and discussing our relationship & how FI’s family has been unsupportive, she said, “I’m not going to lie. It’s awkward. I love you both and will pray for you, but I can’t accept this.” Word for word. She then said if I was going to be in my FI’s life, she wanted to get to know me, but she had been debating on whether or not they would even come to the wedding.
I balled my eyes out, opened myself up to her and her husband, and she concludes everything with “I don’t accept you, you make me uncomfortable, and we may not be at the wedding”??? I think it upsets me so much because I was making myself extremely vulnerable and trying to be honest and open, and she basically wrote it all off and still judged us (me).
I’ve talked with my Fiance about what happened and how I still feel, but I don’t know how to get over this. I think about it every day, and it makes me more and more angry as time goes on. I don’t want this woman at our wedding if she even decides to come (we haven’t gotten her RSVP yet, and I’m hoping she says no). I’m so tired of this family; they are so oppressive and self-righteous.
I don’t know how to let this go and not be bitter and angry. 🙁
Post # 3
Wow, this makes me so angry. I’d tell her, “I’m not going to lie. This is awkward. I love you and will be praying for your heart to open, but I cannot accept your bigotry.”
And then I’d just try to see her for what she is — a misguided soul who probably means well but is wasting her energy judging people (wrongly). Honestly, I would pity her. She’s choosing prejudice, she’s choosing to cut you out of her life. She has a lot of issues to deal with, not you.
Post # 4
I have no advice but wanted to give you ((hugs))
Post # 5
I am so sorry you’re going through this. It must be unbelievably hard for you to be unfairly judged by the family of the person you love. It’s unfortunate that people can be so closed-minded and not accept love when it’s right in front of them. I hope they don’t come to your wedding, but if they RSVP yes, then hopefully you’ll see it as a sign that they are being somewhat supportive even though their religious beliefs lead them to not approve of homosexuality.
And I don’t know if this helps, but I think it’s pretty bizarre when people who call themselves Christian are so judgemental–Jesus preached love and acceptance!
Post # 6
@Pomapoo: agreed. I HATE that homophobia is so associated with Christianity.
Post # 7
@stillme: right on
this makes me sick – they claim to be “christian” but these “christians” are the worst about judging people (not all christians! dont wanna piss people off) but i know this breed – how can you be so judgemental and unaccepting yet call yourself christian. Makes me sick.
OP – its got to be so tough dealing with a family who is unaccepting. please know not everyone will be this way when looking at your relationship – i have huge hope for our younger generations in accepting gay marriage/relationship. Everyone deserves to be happy and everyone deserves to marry.
Post # 8
@totheislnds: YES YES YES!! you are totally right! I have friends that are christian and go to church… but they are NOTHING like this.
I think (most of them) are very judgmental people. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I don’t think it’s right at all.
I am so angry reading this post right now. The things I would say to her don’t feel I want to write here. Christian or not… I think people like that are awful, and God probably does too
Post # 9
- Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ
Thanks, everyone, for all the support. I think I have such a skewed view of Christianity because of this family, and I feel awful about it. I was so emotionally exhausted at the end of everything, I basically just said “I want to get to know you to.” But I really don’t want to get to know her at all at this point. I just want to be able to let this go. It’s not healthy.
Post # 10
@stillme: I think this is a fabulous response.
Really, though, it’s up to your Fiance to handle this. Honestly, if that’s how they treat you I would think it would be best to just cut off contact with them. While I’m not in the same situation I am in a relationship that my family told me they just could not accept because my Fiance and I have an age gap of 10 years. The comments, the guilt trips, the horribly akward situations didn’t stop until I told them that they could choose to respect my choices and decisions or they had no business trying to be part of my life. They eventually came around, though I wasn’t expecting them to. If the sister and her husband do come around and realize that they’re making a huge mistake, great. If not you will have freed your relationship from their ridiculous negativity.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. /hugs
Post # 11
I’m so sorry, Bell. I’ve been through something similar, but not to this degree, and that royally sucked. This really has nothing to do with you, but with that chick. I have to agree with stillme. That is a pretty dead on response.
Also, I have to agree with Aure about something….what did your Fiance say when her sister started in at you with that garbage?
Post # 12
euw i think the most disturbing part is being fake and telling you she loves you. don’t sugar coat your hatred, lady.
Post # 13
I don’t know how people deal with other people like this. My goodness I would be in jail! I would have punched her in the mouth and have been like “accept this biatch!”
Well, you can’t change stupid.
Post # 14
- Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ
@MissHelen: My Fiance was backing me up. It’s funny because my FI’s BIL was almost supporting us. When we were talking about how crapped on we got from FI’s family, he kept saying we had to stick up for ourselves, and that some people would never come around. He even got offended when I started sort of lumping them in with other family members who are even more conservative (can’t remember what exactly I was saying, but he stopped me right away and I apologized).
It was actually a very civil argument, but kind of surreal. I discussed different people’s beliefs and religious & social evolution (I was an anthro minor, so I know a lot about human culture), and I explained my beliefs and why I believe what I do. Her sister and BIL kept coming back to Christianity as fact because the bible is the truth (bible is the word of God, what’s written actually happened, etc.). She kept asking my Fiance why she had strayed from God. We were trying to be respectful, but I feel like we kind of got shit on in return, even though my FI’s BIL was semi-supportive.
My Fi and I have talked about distancing ourselves from her family after the wedding if they still haven’t come around, as PP have suggested. I don’t think I completely understood how set in their ways they are until we had that discussion, so in some ways it helped me understand that nothing we do will affect how they view us.
It’s funny because ultimately we have the same beliefs – you have to come to the truth on your own. I just don’t qualify spirituality (for me the truth is that there are many truths…). That was really the only difference I saw after reflecting on the whole thing. It put a lot into perspective, and I think I can take that away from it. I think after reading all these posts and the spin off thread, I can start putting this behind me.
Post # 15
I’m really sorry to hear this, and I can’t even imagine how terrible it must feel. I wouldn’t count on ever changing your FI’s family’s mind about your relationship. There’s a good chance they’ll never accept you.
I think you have the right idea and have to look at these people like they are toxic, and keep them at a distance… sort of like adult children from dysfunctional families do with their parents and siblings. Learning how to interact with them while protecting yourself and not allowing yourself to get too close or caught up in their damaging attitude/opinions is a learning process. Reach out to the resources that you do have for help doing this.
Post # 16
While I guess it’s “good” (and I use that word lightly) that she was honest to your face instead of gossiping behind your back, it’s still a SHITTY thing to say or think about someone.
I just don’t get it. Never have, never will. And I’m sorry you’re going through this.