(Closed) How do I get through this and keep my insanity?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
9072 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

You’re not crazy, this sounds like a mess.  But honestly, you can’t make him change if he doesn’t want to.  If he’s pushing you away and not putting you first this is a serious red flag.  You deserve someone who will put you first and knows what he wants and doesn’t act like a child. 

If I were you I would end it…or at least take a break to see if this is really what you want.  It sounds like you have been with him throughout most of your life, I think it might be best for you to explore other options and to look for someone who can give you what you want.  If it’s meant to be, it will work out in the end.

Post # 4
Member
9625 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Blondie1986:   I’m sorry you’re going through all this right now.

But, what do you want?  Ask yourself, deeply, what do you want?  To be with him, right? What you’re doing right now isn’t getting you what you want.

If you love and respect him, then respect his decisions as to how to handle his relationships with his family members.  You obviously are on the losing end of this battle right now.  If you keep pushing against them (and him) you’ll lose the entire war.

I feel for you, they sound awful.  But he is not your husband (yet), he’s your childhood bf.  He may be your ex before too long if you don’t change tactics.  They want to poison him against you and you’re unfortunately giving them ammunition to do so.

Be respectful and loving to him.  Be kind and trust his judgment.  If you don’t respect him or trust his decisions, why would you want to be with him anyway?

 

Post # 5
Member
6750 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

He sounds like he’s immature and lost in life – without direction.  I don’t know if you could help him, honestly.  I think he needs to do some soul searching and grow up and realize that he needs to put you first.  I don’t know how old you guys are, but I just think he sounds really young in the sense that he hasn’t grown up (not agewise, just maturity).  I also think you may have allowed this behavior to occur in the past, so he thinks it’s ok to have you be his number 2.  Again, I don’t think there’s anything you can do to change it – he needs to want to make you number 1 himself, and if he doesn’t, then maybe you should find someone who does.  Sorry you’re going through this mess.  *hug*

Post # 6
Member
2274 posts
Buzzing bee

I would take a break, and let him see what it would be like if you left, and he was stuck with his dysfunctional family, and no “you”.

You can’t force him to see things from your point of view, but maybe the veil will lift if he realized he could lose you over his nutty mother.

Post # 7
Member
2421 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Goodness gracious. First off (hugs) because you sound like you seriously need one.

To be honest, I think you seriously need to reevaluate your relationship. If after 8 years of being with this man he has no interest in moving in with  you or taking the next step, I would move on. He is showing you his true colors. Now you have to decide whether or not this is something you can continue dealing with.

Post # 8
Member
1281 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

OP I second what bunnyharriet said.

 

Post # 9
Member
299 posts
Helper bee

Big hug! This is such a hard situation to be in. I hate to say it but he just doesn’t sound ready or mature enough. Really think about how you would feel if you were married to him right now. His behavior isn’t going to change just because you say vows and exchange rings. You have been together for 8 years. In a way you are a married couple. He isn’t going to stand up for you as your husband just like he isn’at standing up for you now. He’s just not ready and who knows how long it may take. My advice is to start doing things to fill your life. Hobbies just for you. Work on your goals with out him. Make yourself priority number one. You are the only person who can take care of you and make you truly happy as a person. I’m not telling you to leave because you are no where near ready to walk. But I do know that the more independent and happy you are as a person the more attractive you are to your partner. I think he needs to see you for the woman you are instead of the girl who’s willing to do anything for him. That isn’t working and it’s not going to. Change things up and concentrate on just you.

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