- 6 years ago
- Wedding: November 1999
Posting under an assumed username due to the really personal nature of my post…
My fiance and I are set to marry in just a couple of weeks. We met years ago as co-workers; he was married at the time, and we did not have any romantic feelings until after he separated, and several years have passed since then, but he has always said he was really unhappy in his first marriage, having married too young and without really knowing the woman he married as well as he should have. He says it took seeing some of his friends have very happy marriages, as well as meeting girls like me who treated him with genuine respect, to push him out of his previous marriage. He says that he was complacent and wanted to avoid confrontation, and when it came time to agree on alimony with his ex, gave a stupidly generous settlement which was far more than any court would have awarded, just to avoid the bickering and drama.
Since we have been together, he’s kept contact with his ex, and I’ve never felt happy about it, but since he says he’s happier with me than he’s ever been without me, and since she lives a few hundred miles away, I haven’t really pressed him to break contact. Personally I don’t think it’s healthy to hang on to your ex’es, especially when you’re overly generous and they’re overly needy, but I wanted to take the high road, not forbid him from talking to her, and let time slowly drift them apart.
Recently I’ve commented to him how one of his Facebook friends— not an ex, just a girl he hasn’t seen in probably 6 years— seems to have developed a Facebook crush on him. It annoyed me but I didn’t get mad because you really can’t control who gets a crush on you or how they express it. As long as you don’t feed it, I won’t get angry.
Last night, I broke one of my own cardnial rules: I invaded his privacy by going through his phone. I have been tempted many times, especially when I know he’s texting his ex (it’s pretty easy to sneak a look when we’re sitting on the sofa), but I’ve never crossed the line before. I’m not sure what possessed me, but done is done….
Anyway I saw that he had been texting with his ex and she had been asking him to help her out with some money. He declined but gave his change in jobs as an excuse, which is 100% valid, but I’m not sure if he said that just because it’s the only thing stopping him from giving her money (she’s asking for almost $2000 for her back car payments, which is a whole other mess as his name is still co-owner on the car and co-debtor on the car note) or because he figured it would be less of a whine fest than saying “I just don’t want to give you any money.”
And I found some Facebook messages between him and the other girl, who he describes as “a bored housewife” and “really down on herself.” While none of those Facebook messages are overly sexual, they are quite affectionate, very personal, and really upsetting.
I confronted him about it this morning, and let him know that I absolutely did the wrong thing by looking at his phone (Because I fully believe it is wrong to invade someone’s privacy, although if he wants to look at my phone, he’s welcome to), but that what I’d seen had been shocking, and very hurtful. I explained how hurt I was, and exactly why— that regardless of what he meant with his comments to both women, it looks to an outsider (which I am in this situation) like he’s bored with me, and fancies at least the Facebook woman more than he fancies me. And it seems like he’s still tied on some emotional level with his ex (because otherwise, why would she feel comfortable asking him for such a large sum of money?) It was a long and very honest conversation, and I asked him to come up with some more appropriate boundaries with both of these women. I said I wasn’t going to define those for him– if he wanted to drop all contact with them, that was certainly his choice, and I wouldn’t tell him not to, but I would not force it. And I believe his apologies are genuine, and I believe it when he says he just doesn’t know what came over him or why he said some of the things he said, or why he’s allowed the relationship with his ex to stay as close as it has, but he’s severing contact with them both. He says his comments to Bored Housewife Facebook Girl were meant to make her feel better about herself as she’s not happy in her marriage or her life, and that he wasn’t trying to lead her on. He says he just didn’t think of how hurtful these things would be to me, but now that he knows, he wants to be sure not to jeopardize our relationship. And I believe this.
And I’m trying to forgive him, but right now I’m still just overwhelmingly sad and drained. I know part of that is just from the wound being fresh— it hasn’t been a full 12 hours since I saw the messages, and only about 5 since I confronted him.
I’m sure, in time, it will fade. And I really do love him enough to forgive him and not throw away our relationship over some stupid bint on Facebook (he’s already removed her, btw, as well as his ex). And I believe him when he says he loves me more than he’s ever loved anther woman, and that there’s no other woman that can make him as happy as I do. I am just not sure how to get myself– and him– through this really hurtful stage.
Any advice on getting past the hurt and on to the healing? There have obviously been some trust issues on my end, because once you know that someone would rather be unhappy than have confrontation, it’s hard to ever accept their silence as indicating “everything’s ok.” And I know I am just going to have to deal with that until he regains my trust. I know I need some time for my mind to process all this emotion. And I’m not trying to “skip over” the healing process; I just don’t want it to drag on for weeks and weeks, because I really hate the way I feel right now.