Post # 1
I just got married in April and, since last December (before the wedding) EVERY TIME someone on my dad’s side sees me or DH, they ask when we’re going to have a baby. The answer is always the same: in a year or two. My cousins starting having babies really young (16-21), so I’m thinking they think I’m waiting too long (we’re 24 and 26) or that we’re not “normal” because we want to be married and child-free for a few years.
Whenever the topic comes up, I get grief because we only plan on having one child. (They claim we’ll have a spoiled brat with only one, but I think it’s in how you raise them). Also, I know I’m going to have to hear it for wanting to adopt because I was told I’ll have difficulty conceiving naturally. (We’re going to start the adoption process next summer if everything goes as planned).
So, is anyone else being pressured into having kids before they’re ready? How do you handle it?
Post # 3
We’ve gotten a lot of this. My response is usually along the lines of “Well, we are really focusing on our new cat right now”
It kind of sucks when everyone else seems to be so concerned over my uterus!
Post # 4
Unfortunately people don’t know their boundries and you just have to stick to your guns and say ‘we’re not quite ready for kids yet’
I found when I add that “I’m too selfish for a kid right now. I’m not ready to give up what I have since kids are time suckers and money suckers….love them, can’t wait to have them, but not now.” They tend to back off. Good luck!
Post # 5
I think many new couples have to deal with pressure to have babies.
If they were really rude and persistent, I used to say that we were trying but not having any success. Then they felt guilty for asking.
Post # 6
I dealt with this with my ex and his family. The response was “When we’re ready”. When they gave their opinions on that statement, the response was the exact same as I give for my wedding – “Thank you for your input! I’ll be sure to keep that in mind.” Smile, change subject, move on. Do not engage!
Now, in all fairness, I knew I was never having children, so the response was a stall tactic. But it worked.
Post # 7
I totally understand! FI and I are pretty young (21 and 24) and we STILL get the baby questions ALL the time! I tell them that my baby has 4 paws and we won’t have a two legged one for quite a while. He just got out of the Corps and is attending college, I want him to enjoy civilian life and at LEAST graduate college before we start thinking of kids! People are weird, they don’t get it.
By they way, I’m an only child and I turned out just fine! Haha, it’s totally about how you are raised! And FI was adopted and he is a well adjusted human being, so you’ll be fine!
Post # 8
I wouldn’t and don’t even entertain questions or conversations like this. I simply answe with a we haven’t decide yet – it works to shut conversation down. It’s no ones business what your TTC plans are or how many kids you want to have.
Post # 9
We’ve been getting questions and we’re not married yet. I can only imagine it will intensify after we’re married. It’s mostly FH’s side of the family that keeps asking. My aunt is the only one from my family that has asked us and it’s only because she’s a preacher and officiating the wedding.
It’s harder for us because we don’t know if we’re ever going to have a child. Like you, we’ve said that if we do decide to procreate that we’ll only have one, so we get flack for not knowing if we want any or just having one if we do. I’ve also gotten flack for saying that I don’t plan on staying at home if FH and I have a child. My stepdad seems to be the only person who understands FH’s and my stance on children.
I usually just tell people that we’re not ready yet, that I want to further my education and have a stable job before we think about it. It’s much easier than saying “I don’t think we’re having kids”. I think you’ll hear about it until you actually have a child, and then people will start asking you when you’ll have another. When my best friend had her baby (she was on the no kids wagon when she got pregnant), people immediately started asking her when she’d have another. When she said that she wasn’t, people starting commenting/questioning her parenting style. I don’t think there’s a way to get around people asking questions no matter what you do.
Post # 10
I’ve been married for a year and get this all the time. It’s strange because some people offer the opinion that I should have them now because I’m apparently old (will be 28 in October). Then I’ve had other people tell me I am still young and should wait awhile.
Both types of comments annoying me. I don’t understand why people think it’s acceptable to comment on my uterus one way or the other! We are planning to TTC next year when I am done college (I went back for another degree) and I’ve also been told that school is uselss if I’m going to have a baby….people are so freaking rude.
Post # 11
We haven’t gotten a whole lot of this, as we are very young & still in school, but people like my grandpa (who insists that we are crazy & lazy for not having kids yet, since my grandma had 3 kids by the time she was 21 lol) keep asking & we just say:
“7 to 10 years, if ever.”
& then they seem appauled & we just politely smile & act like we don’t notice that they completely disturbed 🙂
Post # 12
@futuremrsndl: we only recently started TTC, but we’ve been getting the question long before we were married in March ’12. I straight up told them we had other plans for our lives right now and that we would not be trying for quite some time. (I just finished my second round of college last May. And each time the same person asked the bitchier I became.
It’s no ones business. At all. They are essentially asking you when you’ll have unprotected sex. Not okay.
Post # 13
I’m not married yet so it hasn’t started to for me, but I know the minute we get back from the honeymoon it will.
HoweverI have talked to a couple of my coworkers and they have already given me grief in regard to only wanting one child. “They’ll be lonely,” “they’ll be spoiled” etc etc. Umm… I’m an only child and I wasn’t lonely. In fact, I always loved that I didn’t have siblings and never wished for any. I also wasn’t spoiled. I went to school and learned to share just like everyone else. Forgive me if I want to be able to give my child more, send them to a better college, and take them with us when we travel. When someone gives me a hard time about this, its usually people who have multple children and they’re trying to push the idea on me. If they’re being really rude about it then I’ll say something like, “ugh, that doesn’t sound appealing to me!” and that usually shuts them up.
Post # 14
I think that most people ask quite innocently. They are just trying to make conversation and think that asking about kids is more interesting that the weather. However, as a pp mentioned, they are really asking about your sex life. So, if you want to shut them up get graphic about what you are doing and let them know that you’re still using protection but are really practicing the baby-making process.
Post # 15
Look, I have been married 4 years, and do not plan to have a child for another 3 years. I only plan one. My DH’s family asked A LOT when we were going to have children, and everytime i told them, they answered: “oh, but you do not need to be ready… the child can adapt to the circumstances… etc.” I am getting a kid, not a puppy, so I would really like to achieve certain things before I embark on such an important thing. I ended up getting snarky once and saying: “well… it is not going to happen, and if you keep pushing it i might just push it back.” They stopped asking. lol. It was not the most mature answer on my part, i get it… but they were not getting the hint. We are 25 and 33, and by the time we try having a kid we will have been married over 7 years, and together for 10.
Post # 16
just say “not yet” and change the subject – you’re probably thinking much more of it than they are… people probably just want to make conversation