Post # 1
Hi Bee’s –
I have written before about how my FMIL annoys me at times. Well I need yall’s advice on how to handle this. Here’s the issue….my FI is the eldest son and grandchild, meaning they have had their small nuclear family for a very long time. I can tell they are all having a really hard time adjusting to FI having a new family. They haven’t realized yet that we can’t make it to every family function and we aren’t going to NOT have a funciton just because one of them can’t make it. I come from a family of 5 children and if everytime someone wanted to have a get together we asked them, their spouses, their kids, etc. we would NEVER do anything! In my family the policy is “if you can make it awesome if you can’t we will see you next time”
Well, this weekend I invited FMIL and FSIL to go wedding dress shopping with me in about a month. My sister who lives 10 hours away is coming into to town and my mother has the day off and so do I. My FMIL said “I have something planned that day, could you move it?” then my FSIL said “i’m going to be at a beach house until 12, could you move it” A) my appointment isn’t until 1PM and the bridal store is maybe 15 minutes from the beach house and B) I was only inviting you to be nice…you don’t have to come.
This morning I checked my email with a list of “important dates for FSIL” it was about SIX events that my FI and I needed to put on our calendars to attend. One of them was the date of my bridal appointment.
I really need to know how I should respond to this. I want to say “i’m not changing the date or time of my appointment, it’s the only day my mother and sister can be there together with me…it’s not big deal if you can’t make it”…but obviously that comes across a bit rude. I also want to let her know that my FI and I won’t be able to make EVERY family function for the rest of our lives, OUR family is too big for that, we would never have free time!
Thanks for reading!
Post # 3
Just say, “So sorry I won’t be able to make the blah-blah on blah-blah date. My mom and sister are visiting to go wedding dress shopping.” She’s already been invited and knows what you’re doing that day, so you’re really just giving her a reminder.
I don’t think there’s any need to make a big announcement about not making every family function, just make efforts to come to what you can and if you can’t, just politely decline and let them know you’re looking forward to the next event. If it does warrant discussion, that should really be your FI’s job – his family will take it a lot better if it’s coming from him rather than you.
Post # 4
How about you say “I have something planned that day, could you move it?” That sounds about right.
Post # 5
I think you should just say something along the lines of what you wrote in your post – “it’s not a big deal if you can’t come, there will be other wedding-related things you can come with me for! I’ll let you know! :)”
For the future, maybe come up with a tagline, so to speak: “We can’t make it, but we’ll be there in spirit! See you in a couple months for ___!” If you act casual, she’ll have to follow suit (after she gets all her huffiness out). Some families are just like that and you need to set the tone for your new family starting, like, now. 🙂
Post # 6
Make the FSIL understand the bridal appointment is the date you chose, your wedding related events do not have to revolve around your FI’s family’s schedule. Make it VERY clear that you are having your appointment on that date and if that date doesn’t work for FSIL & FMIL too bad so sad, you’re not changing it.
Post # 7
Thanks for all the adivce! I ended up saying “Hey – got all the dates into our calendar, not sure if we will be able to make all of them. As far as May ** that is the day of my Bridal appointment and the only day my sister will be in town and my mom off work, sorry if yall can’t make it!”
Short, simple, and to the point.
Post # 8
I like your response. It’s simple and direct; I find that being direct is often the best way to communicate and avoid misunderstandings.
Post # 9
@Meant2Bee: I think that is a great response 🙂
Post # 10
@Meant2Bee: My love, I could have written this post. My MIL is someone that holds family functions near and dear to her heart.
For instance: DH’s great grandma passed away this last week. We went down Sat. for the viewing and MIL hanged on him and said, “Can’t you guys stay up here with us?” DH said no. She said, “Don’t you want to spend time with your family?” We told her we can NOT stay up there for three days and let our house just sit there when there is a storm coming.
I totally get where you are coming from. Just tell her that you can’t make it work. If things ever get too bad, you need to have DH help you out. That’s the only way I’ve been able to make it through to my in laws sometimes.
[Edit] I see your recent post. Short and to the point. Great job!
Post # 11
I would write back that you “got the email with the events, however; on ______ day I already have plans so can you move it? It’s that previously booked appointment that I actually already told you about that my mother and sister are also going to be there for. Hopefully you guys can make it, but this is something really important that they need to be with me for, so unfortunatly I cant rearrange that. If not, i’ll see you at the next event”