Post # 1
My FI’s father was diagnosed with lung cancer a month ago. It is a very aggressive form but cureable and they started chemo right away. A few days ago, the chemo really started to take a toll on him and he was admitted to ICU on Tuesday. All of his vital organs are failing him and he is slipping in and out of consciousness. I had to return home today for work (his dad lives 4 hours away) so that I can continue to pay our bills while Fiance stays with his parents. He is the only child and has no other close family (a few family members across the country). I feel like I need to be his everything right now but I just don’t know how. I’ve never been the best at saying the “right” thing and I am lucky enough to have never dealt with anything like this before. I guess I am looking for any words of advice or wisdom (we are not religious) from anyone who has dealt with the loss of a loved one.
Post # 3
I lost my mom (who was my only parent and I don’t have any siblings) a few years ago to lung cancer. I was in my early 20s and had a hard time.
My suggestions are to be patient, be a good listener which means not just listening to what he says but also reading his body language, be helpful, and consistent. Let him take his time to deal with it and just keep loving him.
Post # 4
Make sure he know yu’re with him, it’s an understatement but make sure to repeat it to him: “I’m here if you need ANYTHING, I might not know what to say but I’m here to support you and help you in whatever you need”
If you try to say something to comfort him.. well maybe tell him you just need to hope for the best, tell him his dad’s fighting and giving all of him and you should trust that’s enough. I’m not a good comforter but I hope this helps a bit.
Post # 5
I second aicila’s comments.
I think patience is huge when people are going through stressful situations. Your fiance’s emotions and thoughts may fluctuate and be all over the place. The important thing is to never take it personally if he needs some space or seems high-strung. Just continue to show him how much you love him.
Post # 6
I’m so sorry you and your Fiance are dealing with this. I hope that the doctors are able to help his dad… In the meantime, I would just keep doing what you’re doing. Let him know you’re there for him and maybe send him a text/email every now and then to let him know you’re thinking of him. It’s hard to know how he’ll cope with this. Just be as present as you can with him. No matter what happens, you’ll get through this together.
Post # 7
I’m not a naturally good comforter, but have become better over time (I think!). The most important thing is just to be honest with him. If you’re being fake to try and make him feel better, it can really rub people the wrong way (how nauseating is “everything’s going to be okay” when your parent is possibly dying?). Just tell him exactly what you told us, and then ask him what HE wants/needs from you and how you can help. Also, make it clear that you’re ready to listen to him if and when he needs to talk, even in the middle of the night. Then if you’re ever unsure of what to say during this process, you can always fall back on asking him an open-ended question (how are you, how is he, what are you thinking about), then repeat what he says back to him in different words with something thrown in to show that you’re really thinking about what he’s saying. It’s called active listening and it works wonders to help people feel validated/listened to.
So sorry that he’s going through this and I hope his dad is okay!