Post # 1
I have just started planning my wedding and we have spoken about the guest list. My fiancee has a cousin who tries to be close to him on facebook, but the are not close anymore. The wedding venue (and my personal choice) is that it is not going to be a big wedding – as in I just can’t invite people I haven’t seen for a really long time etc…. I have to invite this cousin – who I have met once and tries to give me relationship advice when not even asked, but I don’t want to invite her children. It would be fine if there were no children at all coming, but my cousin – who is also my godson who I see very often and my fiancees twin neices are in the bridal party.
Knowing this cousin she will want to bring her children, even though there is not enough room because I keep reiterating it is a small wedding – no room for extras.
How do I
a) Convince my fiancee that 3 kids are enough and they are only invited cos they are in the bridal party
b) Tell this cousin – not only back off but only her and her husband will be invited to the wedding NOT her kids. I need to do it niceley, because I really want to tell her what I think but I know it’s not the right thing to do.
Post # 3
a) The no-kids rule always makes an exception for the bridal party. The only explanation you should have to give is “The no-kids rule always makes an exception for the bridal party.”
b) Sounds like a situation I’m running into with my FI’s entire extended family, who come from a Mexican background where there is no defined guest list and all the guests expect to be able to take whomever they want with them. The standard response is to explain the limitation on your budget, the venue size, etc… but it sounds like you already tried that. If you really don’t think it’s possible that the couple will come without their kids, then you’ll either have to make another exception for them, or take them off the guest list.
Unfortunately, people who are not immersed in the wonderful world of weddings aren’t always familiar with wedding ettiquette. They might not realize that they can only bring people specifically listed on the invitation, for example. Maybe you should talk to your FI about whether it’s worth it to have three unwanted kids at the wedding just to have this cousin there.
Post # 4
I am sort of doing the same thing but have found that I honestly can’t really control it. I plan on addressing certain invites as “Mr. and Mrs. so-and-so” and others as “The So-and-So family”. I do realize that this is very much not proper etiquette but FI and I have reasons. Mostly, it’s inviting the kids we have actually met/know and not inviting the ones we haven’t. That being said, I know that even though I’m addressing the invites this way, that doesn’t mean that the RSVP’s won’t include the entire family but I am prepared for that. Since I am the one that is sort of initiating poor etiquette, I understand if it’s returned.
I know that doesn’t really answer your question but I wanted to let you know that if you decide to only invite certain kids, you aren’t alone!
I know that in general etiquette is the right thing to do, but ultimately it’s your wedding and you only get one 🙂
Post # 5
I am trying to decide what to do about this, too. Let me fill you in on what I have been thinking of doing—you can tell me what you think!
Our ceremony and reception venue is on the top floor of a highrise-we will have the entire floor-but it is in a private club (not a member, just ‘borrowing’ the space )
Basically, what I am trying say is it is NOT a child-friendly space. FI and I decided long ago we did not want children at the wedding. We both work in pediatrics, so it really isn’t a bias towards children so much as a personal decision for the atmosphere we want for the day. We want a sophisticated, adult party so our friends can relax and have a nice “adult” time.
FI’s brother has a young daughter who will be about 3 at the time of the wedding. Aside from her, we will not be having other children at the wedding. I will attempt to convey this message by being courteous first: Only listing the adult parents on the invites. If guests choose to write in additionals, which include children, I plan to phone them personally and explain that the guest list is tight, the venue does not allow children, and that if needed, I will provide childcare for guests children at the connecting hotel. I plan to politely ask them to let me know the week before if their child will be needing the sitter or if they instead plan to find their own. I am guessing most parents won’t like leaving their children with an unknown sitter, but I am hoping it will be a more polite (albeit passive aggressive) way of putting my foot down and yet still giving my guests options. I am hoping this truly is a compromise for all parties involved.
What does everyone think? Is this fair? Would you leave your own children with a ‘provided sitter’?
Post # 6
I think the ‘provided sitter’ is an excellent way to allow parents of young children to come to an adults-only reception. Even better if it’s on-site or just a block away, so they can duck out for a few minutes to check on their kids if necessary. I don’t have kids, but in such a situation I would probably talk to the bride/groom about how well they know the sitter, and I would feel better knowing it’s someone who works in child care or something, rather than just a random teenager. Not to mention, I would feel a whole lot better if my kids were just a block away versus the other end of town.
Post # 7
Miss Iowa you are my type of woman! The thing is, my fiancees brother and his wife paid for nothing of their wedding, so everyone was invited, but I am a tough love kind of person. I am a teacher – so I have nothing against kids. My problem is that I live in Australia, and this family are from the other side of Australia, so there is one problem, another one is, we are paying for the wedding ourselves – well a majority and I don’t want kids there that I don’t know. I will try some of your advice, but how do I convince my fiancee, because he has said no to my cousin if I said no to his 2nd cousins.
I do like the provide a sitter thing though…I’m just worried my fiance will say no. I can be bitchy and I can put a story on for this cousin saying because her children are coming I can’t invite some of my family and I can also say that the children won’t have a place setting unless they pay (they are doing God’s work so they wouldn’t anyway) so they will have to sit on their laps.
Is that too mean? The thing is, when she got married and my fiancee was in the party (he was young) they really wanted him and his twin in the bridal party but his parents had to pay for the children tuxes….this woman is very in your face, and the first time I met her she told me everything about her life – I don’t think she knows everything about me. When my fiancees brother got married – she made it all about her!
If I was to be totally bitchy – I could plan the wedding to coincide with a very expensive flying time so they have to limit how many seats they buy because of their lack of money doing ‘gods work’.
After all this bitching and venting – I think I am going straight to hell – but seriously, this woman is worse than my FMIL! She makes me cry on a regular basis through frustration and rubbing things in my face, and she still has pictures of my fiancee and his ex gf on facebook even when we have both asked to take it down.
Post # 8
Oh Princess Steph! Don’t cry or let someone ruin your day! My FMIL tells me “Miss Iowa, this is YOUR year. You get to be a princess for one year. Don’t let anybody ruin a SINGLE minute of it!”
And you know what. She’s right.
And ever since she told me that, I have made it my mantra–it really helps. I will post the story of WHY she had to tell me that some other time.
I say do whatever causes YOU the least stress. Pose the ideas to FI, put them out there for this woman and her family. If they bite and it works-great. If not, invite them and their kids and extend the ‘sitter’ invite to everyone else. If someone mentions later (which they won’t) why their kids didn’t get to come when others did, you can politely mention it was a surprise to you too!