How do I KNOW I want kids? And if it's for the right reasons?

posted 3 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

We are kind of at the same spot you are, don’t feel bad. I think society tries to program everyone that here is what you are supposed to do: 1) Go to school 2) Graduate from HS 3) Go to college and meet your future mate  4) Graduate from college  5) Get a good job  6) Get married, no matter what, get married to Mr. Now – not Mr. Right  7) Go into debt – thats what everyone back in the day did and they “made it” whatever that means  8) Buy a house  9) Have a baby. and another baby, and maybe another baby  10) Now your whole life is dedicated to being a slave to your job because if you don’t have a job and work your buns off – then, your family goes hungry, your house payment isn’t made, and well you know… your life will essentially fall apart  11) Complain about how your sex life has fallen apart and your children, who you live for, are running your life and you don’t know your spouse anymore. 12) Your kids don’t see you very often so you don’t know your children – and they aren’t the children you envisioned into your “fantasy” family. I will stop my list here – although if it keeps going you know the end result of the sexless couple who once loved eachother so much they never thought they could live without eachother.

*I have waited to have children until I know I want one. Just one. I don’t want 2 or 3 just 1. Unless the man upstairs has some funny way of karma for my thoughts then I will have triplets! Ha and I would cry my eyes out. All I am saying is I am 33 and I have said what you have said all the time, “I will get things done that I want to do and then…” well I have extended my “and then…” for years and years. My brother and his wife just had a baby girl in August and the verdict is still out on whether or not when we will be ready but if we get pregnant I guess we are ready, we will have to be. I am so glad we waited this long – I have really gotten to know him, be with him, really love love love him, and spend quality time with him. So much so that if a baby doesn’t happen I may only be a little heartbroken, but knowing we have eachother (esp. that I have him) is the best loving feeling in the world. But I know how you feel!!! Esp. about the society thing. Ugh. And I came from a broken home, raised by my dad, etc… so the childhood I never had and all that… but I just want my baby (when we have one) to have a normal upbringing – exciting but normal. Not all broken into thousands of “adult” size pieces that no child can put back together or understand. Thats another whole reason I waited so long. In fact, I have been with my fiance almost 8 years and we are still not married and thats okay. Perfectly okay. We are very happy, love eachother so much, we have lived together for 6 and a half years – longer than 4 couples we have watched get married and are now…. you guessed it right – Divorced. We are hanging tight to eachother. Kids will change your relationship just make sure your ready for that – just don’t try to make their life what you didn’t have, make their life normal/exciting/happy and most of all spend time with them, fun time.

Post # 4
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I hear ya. I just turned 33 and got married 4 months ago too. I swore my entire life I WOULD NEVER HAVE KIDS. I had a dysfunctional upbringing and have had anxiety and depression issues most of my life. Well, I’ve been doing better and better with all that. So right after we got married I asked my husband if he thought he should get a vasectomy. He didn’t really want kids either. He was was like “Heck no”, about the “snip snip”. So that opened a discussion and we realized maybe we did want to give it try, especially considering my age. We talked about it alot and I ending up going off the pill. 

I am right there with you on wondering if my motivations are correct and genuine. I saw something in another Bee’s post about this stuff and her dad told her that a life without kids is like a life without a true romantic love. That if you don’t experience it, you might not know what you would be missing. That really resonated with me. So, I still have no idea if I’ve made the right decision. Though I am about 99.9% sure I will love my kid and be really happy if it does happen. My husband is cool with whatever : ) My two cents is, you should go for it. Once you make the decision, you will probably get all excited and into it. If you do decide to go for it read the ttc boards. I was stupidly shocked to find out that a) your period can take up to 6 months to come back after stopping the pill and b) even if you are cycling normally, it can take up to a year to get pregnant- WHAAAT- who knew??!! 

Post # 5
Member
249 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I personally think the best way to enter parenthood is full-force, without much hesitation. Ideally, in the same way as marriage.

if you want something bad enough, you will have an easier time working through all the challenges. but if you have doubts, uncertainty, reluctance…. everything becomes more difficult, and even painful. not just for yourself, but for people you would never wish to hurt. it’s unavoidable..

I think you should wait until you know what you, and you alone, really want. Really try to envision all the possibilites and outcomes of becoming a parent and decide if it’s worth it to you. If it will make you fufilled. And try to envision a childless life, and the other ways you could enrich your life… just compare the pros and cons. (Also think about the quality of life you could provide for your child/ren)

another possible question to ask yourself, is if you feel it’s necessary to have biological children (as well as considering the potential difficulties with TTC) or if you would be open to having a child/children of another origin.

another thing to remember is.. not everyone is the same. we don’t all want the same things. happiness has a slightly unique definition for all of us. it IS possible to find happiness and meaning in life without children, without marriage. All we need is love.. love does not necessarily have to fall under either of those two socially popular options.

Post # 6
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I too am unsure about kids. Occasionally I think of course I’ll have them because that’s what adults do. However, when I picture the future I see myself, my husband and two dogs. I know that at 27 I’m not old but when I think about the fact that I won’t even finish school for three-ish years and then will want to hopefully settle into a career that will be closer to 5 years at least I imagine. Plus my husband is 5.5 years older then I am so he will be almost 40 (gasp!) by then. I just don’t know…I am more afraid of having kids and regretting it than not having kids and regretting it. 

Post # 7
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@FutureMrsFishy:  I was totally with you and felt the same way. I didn’t realize fully that I wanted a baby until I thought I might be pregnant and was scared to take a test because I didn’t want to be disappointed if it was negative. I’m 35 weeks pregnant and excited but also nervous and scared and still unsure if I’m truly ready (not that I have a choice now hah!) honestly though, I don’t think I would have ever gotten to a place where I was like okay I’m ready let’s try to have a baby. I tell my husband it’s a blessing it happened accidently because I don’t know if I’d ever consent to rrally trying! It’s a huge life changing decision and I think it’s natural to have questions and doubts and to some extent no matter how ready you feel it’s always going to be a bit of a leap of faith. So long story short you are not alone!!!

Post # 8
Member
898 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@FutureMrsFishy:  I really believe that if you have to ask yourself if you want kids, you don’t want them.

I have always known I wanted kids someday and when that someday came I KNEW it, it’s in the deepest part of my soul, the longing to be a mommy. It hits you like a brick.

Sure, not everyone will have it that deeply, but I think every woman knows when she wants kids.

Post # 9
Member
4030 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I think moving into this stage of life is complicated because of so many things. There are many people who aren’t sure they want kids, just like there are those who no for sure they either want or do not want kids. If you see that with your husband and have such a vivid picture, maybe it means it’s just not the right time yet and there is nothing wrong with that. Don’t beat yourself up. I think if the time comes (and if it doesn’t there is nothing wrong with that), it will hit you and you will know, completely know, that you want kids. I know I want kids, but for me the big unkown is when. It’s always changing right now (which is how I know it isn’t time). We plan on trying in about 2-2 1/2 years. Some days, I think we should wait, and others I feel this huge emotional/physical pull and want it sooner than that. I think that when the time is really right-or as right as it can be- we will know. It’ll be like “okay…we want this now” and then we’ll start trying. Who actually knows when that will happen. It could be right on the timeline we have in our heads, or it could be sooner or later.

Post # 10
Member
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@FutureMrsFishy:  Reading your post truly made me feel like I was reading something I had written. I am so with you on every level. I turn 29 in 2 weeks, and DH and I have been married since October.

For a long time, we both said we didn’t want kids, then it turned into “If it happens, it happens”, but now DH is fully on board. Something about turning 30 last year really kicked him into high gear baby fever. I still have so much that I want to do in my life as a childless woman, but I feel like my desires and dreams are too extensive to achieve in time to still be at an age where I’d be comfortable having kids. My mom had trouble conceiving my youngest brother at 35-36, and seeing her go through that has me very determined that if we do have kids, I want to do it in the next few years. DH has older parents, so he’s adamant on not being an “old dad”, and as someone with young parents I can understand that. All that being said, I feel this overwhelming sense of time running out.

I was never the little girl who played with baby dolls while imagining my future children. I always imagined myself as living this grand life, exploring, succeeding in my job, seeing the world. I’m lucky enough to say that I’m doing just that. I’m living the life that I always envisioned. Am I selfish for not wanting to give that up to have children? Is the life I live now possible to do with children? Do I want to give up my freedom? These are more questions I ask myself.

I feel like I’ll never be truly ready for kids until we have one. My mom even said that she felt the exact same way, but once she had me in her arms everything just clicked into place. And now with DH as ready as he is, I look at him and a part of me really does want to have his child. Seeing him with a baby literally melts my heart. It’s so scary to say, but I can’t wait to see him hold our future child. After a few talks very recently, with every passing day I find that I’m becoming more and more comfortable with the idea. And honestly, that’s better than I would ever have imagined. 

I’m sorry this was so long. It’s nice to be able to share these feelings with someone who understands. Please know that you’re not alone, and if you ever need someone to talk to you have an ally!  🙂

Post # 11
Member
2100 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m 36 and I’m still unsure. DH is 35 and he’s uncertain about number 2…he’s already got a child. 

I used to want 4 in teens and 20’s! Then it’s gone down and now I wonder a lot about it. I worry a lot about not having them and feeling sad b/c that tends to be my personality…I say I don’t want something and then I change my mind. 🙁 I agree with whomever wrote that you should just kind of throw yourself into it without thinking too much. That’s what I did with my marriage. I loved my then FI and at 36 and never married…I just felt it was time. But I was terrified. And now that we are a few months into it, I’m learning that I’m happy…when I allow myself to be. Anyway, I have read about many women who were unsure or didn’t want kids and then they have them and they are forever changed and so glad they did it.

I disagree with someone who said you just “know” and if you don’t know then you don’t want them. Sometimes fear can cover up some really strong feelings…especially about things we want! I think you are just thinking about all possibilities. Do you think about things a lot? Are you an overthinker?

Post # 12
Member
1690 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

It’s for the same reasons you’re saying that I’m glad I had my son so young (I was 22). I didn’t have a chance to stop and think about it, we just did it. If I had of taken then time, I think I would have talked myself out of it, because it is really really scary in the abstract. 

The truth is, either decision you make (weather you have a baby or not), will most likely make you happy in the long run. I wouldn’t worry too much about it, although I’m sure that’s easier said then done.

Post # 13
Member
1118 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I totally thought a LOT of those same things.  I seriously questioned whether or not I wanted kids and if I did want them was it only b/c I was “supposed” to want them?  I also worried about bringing an innocent being into this crazy world that seems to get crazier by the minute (unfortunately).  I always said I’d just wait longer… but after getting married at 35 it became glaringly apparent I didn’t have “forever” to wait… anyway, I had my baby 3 months ago and its been the most amazing/scary thing I’ve ever done and I am so glad to have my beautiful baby and now I can’t wait to have another…… Ultimately though only you can answer the question for yourself.

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