How do I NOT hate my Mom?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3210 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I am so sorry. My dad has cheated on all three of his wives. The first two (my mom and his second wife) were before I was really old enough to get it. But when he cheated on his current wife–that is, when she FOUND OUT–I was fifteen, and more than old enough to understand what was happening.

I woke up one weekend to hear my stepmom on the phone with my dad’s girlfriend, screaming at her. She had just found out, and it was… a nightmare.

It took me YEARS to get over it, but I promise, eventually you can forgive. It’s very hard. It took a LOT of effort on my dad’s part–I wouldn’t even talk to him at all for probably a year. It took several more years before I was willing to spend extended amounts of time with him. But 10+ years later, we have a really solid relationship. It is possible, but it takes a lot of time, and a lot of effort on the part of the parent.

Again, I’m so sorry. I can sympathize with how painful it is.

Post # 4
Member
872 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@veryberry13:  oh honey. I discovered my mom’s online emotional affair at the ripe old age of 19 and kept it a secret because I couldn’t bear the thought of telling my dad and ruining our family (my parents marriage is already rocky and I have 4 little sibling and knew he would leave.) I dealt with the anger and shame alone for a long time and then finally went to counseling. i highly recommend it. The truth is, no matter how old we are it is always disturbing when the marital system of our family is dissolving. Be kind to yourself, talk to a close friend about it if you feel comfortable. Let yourself experience the negative emotions without feeling bad about them and seek therapy. If you ever need to talk you can always PM me. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. 

Post # 6
Member
3210 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@veryberry13:  Here’s the thing: your feelings are your feelings. They can’t be too harsh, because that’s how you ACTUALLY FEEL. You have every right to feel exactly the way that you do.

After my dad’s affair, there were people who told me I needed to forgive and forget, move on, etc. The truth was, I wasn’t ready to do those things. I don’t believe you can force yourself to feel a way that you don’t really feel.

With that said, you can control your actions. While you’re not obligated to do anything, in any way, I would just try to restrain yourself from being deliberately cruel to your mother. That too is hard, but it might be something you’ll regret later. My best advice is not to engage with her at all when you’re feeling deeply, deeply hurt and betrayed. Which, again, you are completely, entirely justified in feeling.

Hugs. I hope you get to talk to your therapist soon.

Post # 7
Member
872 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@veryberry13:  I always felt guilty talking about my parents even to my therapist. It’s amazing how deep family loyalty goes even when you’re hating their every action, lol. I read a book a while back (I think it’s called The Way They Were) about being an adult child of divorce (because my parents are always on the brink of divorce even though they haven’t pulled the trigger yet, I think because of my 10 year old brother.) the book really stressed that no matter how old you are it is always difficult to deal with parent’s marriage issues and divorce. Hang in there! I’m glad you called your therapist.

Post # 8
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@veryberry13:  I’m really sorry to hear you are going through this but remember we never really know what is going on in someone else’s relationship or in their own head for that matter. Your mum may be deeply unhappy and your dad is clearly dependent on her because he can’t bear to let her go and has become ill over it. Perhaps the relationship has been unhealthy for some time now. We can’t see the future, sometimes we just have to go with it but who knows, maybe a better life waits for both of them after divorce. I hope your dad gets better and try not to hate your mother….like I said you don’t know what is going on for her, try to feel sorry for her instead and give your strength to your father, he obviously needs it. xoxo.

Post # 10
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

My Dad cheated on my Mom off and on for the last 18 years or so of their marriage.

He’s asked for a divorce 3 or 4 times but never followed through.

For my Mom, getting a divorce isn’t “worth it”, so she chooses to stay with him.

As someone who has been both confused and horrified and hated both of them at some point, the best thing you can possibly do is to accept that it’s their decision and stay away from it.

And you can’t hate either of them. Not for cheating, at least!

Post # 12
Member
2992 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

It sounds like your Mom is going through a full-blown midlife crisis. She is getting older and feeling insecure about her future. Shr wants to be viewed as an attractive, desirable woman and unfortunately chose a very selfish way to go about it.

How do I know? I m your Moms age.  I had my crisis a few years back except I was the one who was cheated on. But it shocked me into losing weight and now I am living a much healthier lifestyle and feeling great.

Of course this does not excuse her actions and I truly feel sorry for your Father. You also have a perfect right to your feelings. You also have a right to tell her how you feel. However,may I suggest that it may be even more important to be supportive of your father. Poor guy!

 

 

 

Post # 13
Member
3394 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@trueblue14:  +1 I agree. I think your mom (and dad) need to work out whether the catalyst for the affair is more to do with her wanting validation of her attractiveness, youth etc, or whether it has to do with inherent unhappiness/problems with their marriage.

Hopefully they can be mature enough (and want to save their relationship enough) to get some counselling. I think all you can do is try to stay impartial, and try to support them both the best you can. It doesn’t mean you have to approve of your mother’s behaviour, but I think it’s important to try not to take sides.

My parents divorced when I was three because my dad had been unfaithful. And my mother and stepfather have both cheated on each other during their relationship. But they’re still together, for better or worse.

Post # 14
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@trueblue14:  (Reply # 11) 100% This

It indeed sounds like a mid-life crisis on your Mother’s part… she’s grasping for straws while her body is no doubt going thru the change of life (ooooh how our ovaries will scream at us and change our hormones)

That sure sounds to me like what is going on… especially so when you comment about the sexy lingerie…

I’m guessing your Mother has taken on a Lover

Sucks for sure… but little you can do about it

Infact, I recommend that no matter how hard it is you stay out of it.

Because there is a good chance that she’ll discover her tryst is more fantasy than reality… and if the guy is also married he’s playing her, and this won’t go any further (ie her leaving Dad and looking at marrying this Dude).

Statistically, More often than not Affairs don’t lead to long term healthy relationships… and that is as much a truth for women as it is for men

Unless your Dad confronts here and demands a Divorce… or she does… things are going to stay status quo.

And they may actually figure out a way to patch up this mess eventually.

— — —

All that said,

I KNOW none of this is easy.  My own Parents got a Divorce in their 60s when I was in my early 30s and a wife & mother.  It was destating to me.  I mean it is your family… it shouldn’t be happening…

Took me eons to get past it.  My Parents brought all THEIR DRAMA into my life.

So ya it sucks. 

My best advice… tell them straight out whenever they want to talk about it, that you do not.  Whatever goes on between them IS THEIRS.  You’ll be around to LOVE them no matter what.. but you don’t want to be in the middle any more than you are naturally by being their kid.

(( HUGS ))

 

Post # 15
Member
42546 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Feelings are never wrong. Go ahead and feel angry at your Mom, feel disappointed, feel let down, etc etc etc. Just don’t act on those feelings.

None of us knows what is really going on in your parents’ marriage, so all the speculation is just that, speculation.

Just as you would not want your parents interfering in your marriage, so it is inappropriate for children to involve themselves in their parents’ marriage. Our parents are human. They make mistakes, they act out, they look for love, comfort, yes even sex where they can find it.

My best advice is to stay completely out of it. None of it has anything to do with their love for you. You do not have to approve of their behavior to still love them, the same way parents do not have to approve of their children’s behavior- but they still love them.

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