Weddingbee boards

About our vegetarian/pescatarian wedding?

So I don't eat meat (but I do eat some fish) and we don't eat a lot of meat at home - the FI eats meat when we go out or when he cooks for himself or on burger nights, but we usually only make one meal, and 95% of the time, it's delicious.  

We decided very early on to have a fish and vegetarian wedding - it makes sense, since it's how we and a lot of my friends and family members eat - plus it's better for the environment and reflects our beliefs and values.  We've run into two different sorts of unsupportive/obnoxious comments about this.  There are the, "Vegetarian food is automatically terrible because it doesn't have meat" people, and there are the "if you serve vegetarian foods, you're being selfish and not thinking of your guests" people.  

We're thinking to do a buffet with a fish dish, a vegetarian lasagna, another pasta (possibly with beans for protein), and several vegetable side dishes to accomodate different tastes.  All the caterers we have talked to make amazing food.  We are totally comfortable and happy with what we are doing.  Most of our guests are totally comfortable and happy with the menus we've proposed when polling people as to what would be good.  But some people (disclosure: mostly the people who are friends with or related to my FI) think it's totally fine to just say, randomly, "well, you're not having meat, so the food is going to be awful."  Or to imply that our guests will be disappointed when presented with a delicious, expensive, non-meat buffet.

I don't want to spend my time defending the food we are spending a lot of money on, and I don't want to defend my lifestyle/diet choices.  I just want to tell them, "I could care less what you think, this is what we want" without it being rude.  (Or in the case of the people who phrase it as "you have to think about your guests" how do I say, "most of our guests will like our food, and the rest can stop at McDonald's on the way home?")  

Advice?

people coming to your wedding should know it's something you and your family value, it's odd that they'd be surprised.  It's still food, for goodness sakes!  Not like you're giving them a wasa cracker with hummus and calling it a meal!

As a very carniverous person who eats meat for pretty much EVERY meal, I have to say that your buffet options still sound fantastic.  You are offering fish and veggie lasagna (aka cheeeese), those are delicious and very filling options.  My wedding ended up being inadvertently vegetarian, since the chicken pretty much sucked, and everyone filled themselves up with the rest of the food.  It was fine and nobody really seemed to mind.  As the others have suggested, maybe it's best not to talk to them about it anymore.

I'm going to have to go a little opposite on this one and its just my opinion. While I definitely think people that gripe about food being provided for them at a wedding reception are completely out of line maybe you could consider at least one meat option. I do not eat vegetables or fish at all (not because I don't want to but because they literally make me sick) and I wouldn't dream of serving only meat/starches at any party...especially a wedding where there will be so many different types of people. While this is your wedding sometimes you have to think of the guests as well....

I will add to those of you who have mentioned going to a religious ceremony that isn't your religion - I've gone to several kosher weddings, where all the food was kosher.  I don't think anyone would ever tell a Jewish couple, "Kosher food tastes like garbage, so you shouldn't serve it at your wedding."  

Mostly I agree with all of you - I don't really talk about this a lot with people, voluntarily.  But people ask - most of them are polite about it, but some of them are less so, and when they ask, I simply get so excited about talking about the food that I kinda forget that they might not share my opinions.  Anyway, people ask, and then they talk to each other, and then inevitably it comes back to us.  

It also came up with my FMIL, who would probably be fine if she was just thinking about herself as a wedding guest, but she was concerned about her friends (who I've never met and don't want to invite, but that's another story and I'm letting it go since it's only like, 15 people out of 130) and I think some members of their family (although they have a lot of vegetarians or semi-vegetarians in the family as well, so this choice makes sense on a lot of levels).  I feel like we do need to keep our parents in the loop as far as food goes, but I really wasn't expecting the reaction we got about not serving meat.  Mostly I was annoyed because I felt that she was trying to get me to change my values and my priorities about food because she was afraid her friends would judge us.  But she'll come around.  Or she won't, but she's not gonna skip the wedding.  (Also, I may have set the bar really low by talking about serving chilli and macaroni and cheese.)  

As for the rest of the people, I think for now I'm going to go with a simple, "we haven't decided a final caterer/menu yet" and perhaps, if I'm feeling sassy, throw in "but we'll be sure to call you when we do to ask for your opinion."  

I agree with those who vote for avoiding the topic at all.  We just put a line on our invitations saying "please let us know if you have any dietary concerns" and accommodated those.  Tell people the food's going to be so delicious, you want it to be a surprise.

For people who already know and are rude, I would respond with something along the lines of a saccharine sweet apology for just not having had the time to put together a personalized menu for each individual guest.  I mean, I'd actually tell them to go f*** themselves, but I assume you're not really looking to alienate your FI's friends and family.

A blank stare and a couple silent blinks usually do the trick! ;-)

If it makes you feel better, regardless of what you would plan on serving, people would have something to say about it.  So, don't stress.

I like "We're going all out, you're going to love the food, don't worry."

"We're still working on our menu" --  let them be surprised. 

I like who said "We adore our caterer and......"  great line!

I wouldn't be snippy though, although I couldn't take it and was.....

To the people who say "You need to think of your guests" Respond, "I am."

To be honest, I did pop off verbally at a friend and said, "Look, maybe you shouldn't come or bring your own meal, I won't be offended."   Can you imagine she said, that she would feel more comfortable bringing her own food and her own choice of bottled water even!!

I discussed these kinds of people with my caterer and he said, "You know we get people like this all the time.  They say they can't eat this, or won't eat that, and then at the end of the day it is these people who are piling up their plates eating whatever it is they said they are allegic to or can't or won't eat.  He said, not to worry about these people as they do it for attention. 

Personally, I think non-veg hear 'veg' and they are afraid the food will taste like tofu or strofoam or saw dust.  They are not educated foodies.  I LOVE tofu actually, but would not serve it to my guests because it is too controversial a veggie food for those people uneducated about veg food.  I think people hear fish and they think 'bones.'

I think your choices are amazing and mouth watering!

The lasagna sounds wonderful and even Italians don't make lasagna all the time with meat.  Your menu sounds fantastic and I think you are going over the top serving fish!

My unsolicited opinion is that you may want to reconsider the rice and beans and do a stuffed risotto portabella mushroom.  We did rice and beans for our engagement party and as much as it tasted awesome mixed with the coconut milk, it didn't present well and looked mushy.  People ate it, but it didn't present well in my opinion and I was a little disappointed with how it looked, and, I wished I had done something else.  In addition, I chose too many same toned items so the dinner looked very white...the salad was served first so all the color was gone by the main course.  My cake was cream cheese frosting so that too was white.  I didn't think about any of this when I chose the menu, so I want to pass this onto you.  The plates were white, the food was all white, except for flecks of the beans, and was yummy as it was, it didn't look appetizing.  Fortunately, everyone didn't care and ate themselves into oblivion.  But thinking back, I now wish I had considered what my choices would have looked like on a white plate.

We just had an engagement party and are not having a wedding reception so our party is over and I can't learn from our mistakes, but I pass them on to you.

If you really want to do beans, may I recommend a 3 bean salad?  or red and yellow beat salad with goat cheese and red onion [they're not beans, sorry]? or a yummy farfelle pasta with black beans? or white beans, diced carrots, parsley salad? 

I agree w/the person who said you don't have to tell them ahead of time as it's a buffet.   But my friend didn't have a menu choice on the RSVP and people didn't think she was having any food at the reception and that it was just cake and champagne and her gifts reflected that incorrect premise.

If she had to do it over again, she would print a menu card and have people check if off anyway...or include a menu card with the invitation so they know they are getting fed.  If you don't emphasis the word 'veg' none veg's won't pick it up unless they know you well and know you wouldn't serve meat.

People are funny.  They think buffets are cheaper; they are not.  No matter what you do, people will talk.  They feel veg food doesn't taste good, so I would avoid the word 'veg' completely.

Did I feel bad popping off at my friend?  Yes.  Did she come to my engagement party.  No.  Did she give a gift.  No.  So was she really a friend?  No.

Anyone who harasses you about the food is thinking more about themselves, than you.  One thing all this has taught me is to be gracious, smile, encouraging, give wonderful praise and say 'well done.'  People do not go into all this planning trying to make friends and family miserable.  From now on, I will NOT criticize and if there is a destination wedding I can't afford, I will keep my mouth shut and sweetly RSVP no.  If I am served food I dislike or can't eat, I'll swap with someone else at the table, 'Does anyone want my steak for their salad?"  I'm not embarassed.

To be honest, I have called wedding receptions before hand and explained my dietary restrictions and then said, "But I don't want to bother the bride with this and I don't want to cause them more expense.  May I just have a double serving of soup and salad?  I will make myself known at the reception so your server will know where I am sitting."

I have NEVER met a restaurant or caterer who wasn't willing to comply! 

From all this I've learned "keep sweet."  Hopefully, your menu citicism will resolve itself.  We should be at the forefront of wedding etiquette and maybe others will follow our suite and not make comments that would hurt another bride.  Please don't take people's comments seriously.  It doesn't reflect your choices, it reflects their poor taste [ha! I didn't do this intentionally..but it actually fits, doens't it?], their lack of social grace and etiquette.

I love your menu and wish you the best!