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Oh wow :-o Unbelievable! You must be a pretty awesome person lol.
Sounds like you need to make more pointed links between your excuses and them not coming e.g. "I'd love to have you there, BUT... [insert excuse]". Could follow up with something like "I'm so touched, though, and would love to include you, perhaps we could meet up after/you could come to our party after?"
Thank you Miss Velveteen. I'm not sure how awesome I am, but people certainly come out of the woodwork for fall foliage and free food. ;) I say that lovingly.
I tried the "I'd love to have you there, but the reception has limited space. Let's get dinner when I get back," and she said, "I'll pay for my own meal [at the reception]." 
That was just one though, and she was a friend of my mom. Thank you very much for your thoughtful suggestions. I will put them to use. :)
I agree with Miss Velveteen about making a polite excuse! Maybe something along the lines of "I'd love to have you there but the parents took over the guestlist and now we're totally way over capacity and we haven't even added our guests to the list! I'm so sorry, I'm so embarrassed about it. We are planning a hometown reception for our friends, since they can't make it to the wedding and it would mean so much to us if you attended that. This is going to be the celebration for us with our friends, since our parents took over the Vermont wedding. Plus, with the way the economy is these days, we totally don't want our friends to spend the money to travel all the way to Vermont to hang out with our parents' friends!"
Basically, downplay your wedding and make it sound like the little mini-party you're having afterwards is the one that really matters to you. :P
Tell them you're having a "family wedding" - most people get that. You don't have to mention the friends you're inviting. Also, with the economy the way it is, most people can't invite whoever they want - if you feel comfortable saying it, "we can't afford to have a wedding with anyone other than family"
FI taught me a lesson on this. I was stressing out how to do broach the subject - and, turns out, he had already done it a bunch of time with his co-workers.
He told them - we are having a small wedding and aren't even inviting all his family to it.
People understand that.
I think we try to be nice by side-stepping it, but what we really do is just create awkwardness all the way round. The line I'm practicing is: While we'd love to have everyone in our lives be there, we've are having a small wedding with mostly family. We'd love to celebrate with you after we tie the knot - maybe we can get dinner together or something?
Also - the more direct people are with you - the more you can be direct back. Just come up with the lines that work for you and start repeating it like a record player.
I love the idea for a Nashville mini-party! That way, you could tell them - the wedding is very small and for family, but I'd love for you to come to the party we are throwing to celebrate our marriage when we get back in town!
Just starting to deal with this situation...I, too, have a small intimate wedding (68 guests, of which 6 are under 3 years old) & actually my tag-a-longs are people I REALLY WANT to invite, but just can't afford (paying for wedding all on our own). It's actually heartbreaking to tell a beloved cousin that they're not invited. So what we've done is switch it around - focus on the positive: we're making Save the Dates & invites for our "mini" party in Hawaii (my home state, where most of our wished for, but sadly can't invite, guests live)! Maybe try to do a less expensive/DIY version of your invites to make those others feel like the "mini" Nashville party isn't a consolation prize. I'm hoping this will work for us!
Ive had several ppl ask and I just simply said Im sorry but our guest list only includes our closest family and friends and them on our rsvp cards we put very nicely on the bottom....please do not bring any univited guest as they were not a part of our dinner count.
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I'm having a wedding in Vermont next October and am having a lot of trouble with people inviting themselves along. We live in Nashville, but he's from Vermont and I thought the trip alone would deter people from asking. Our list (the original one) included 63 family members and 15 friends. The list I put together tonight including everyone who has 'invited themselves along,' has ballooned to 110.
The most frustrating 'invite-alongs' are the people here in Nashville. Ex-coworkers I still get coffee with, high school friends I run into once a month, friends of my parents.... My excuse of "small wedding," "limited space," doesn't seem to faze them. Some of these people I'd like to come, but I can't afford it. It would be easier to have a Nashville-mini party and invite them later.
Other 'invite-alongs' are finding me through Facebook. I have hidden my relationship status, and don't make wedding related updates. It's just the mini-feed sharing wall posts, and they imply they're invited. "Hi ---! Heard you're getting married. When should I buy my ticket?" I haven't talked to these people in 7+ years! And they're not joking either, they want to come and are asking me details about reception and ceremony that I'm not sharing. I told them it's a small wedding of family and a few close friends, but they assume they're in the close friend part. One I suggested getting coffee with after, and she called me a bitch for forgetting some middle school bride pact. I don't think I ever even talked to her in middle school.
I'm an easy person to stress and this is putting my thong in a wad.
Any suggestions?