How do I reconcile two different 'Love Languages'?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Well you shouldn’t have to change your love language because your FI doesn’t get it. Have you tried talking to him about it recently? 

Post # 4
Member
3210 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

So, my mom’s love language is gifts, and as someone who literally could not care less about gifts, I swear this is the hardest love language for me to accommodate. I know that to please her, I need to regularly be dropping things in the mail, sending cards, bringing gifts when come for a visit, and then, God, Christmas–I have to plan for it like 6 months in advance to be able to get her enough friggin’ stuff!! It drives me nuts!

Anyway, try to be sympathetic but clear with your DH. Show him what you’ve been doing to try to please him, and be specific about what would please you. Tell him that you know he loves you, but that you would FEEL more loved if he showed it in this very specific way.

But for you, try to be patient with your DH. Coming from the other side, it is so hard to conceive of why buying CRAP for my mom makes her so happy, lol.

Post # 6
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Have you talked to him about it? How do you feel about him giving you letters or a drawing or something handmade?

Post # 8
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee

Maybe you could buy yourself things instead of waiting for him to do so. I mean, you married the guy. You have to love him as he is, not try to change him. 

Post # 9
Member
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

One of my languages is gifts and I literally had to write FI a list of things that I would like. Some of mine included; writing notes on the mirror, leaving post its for me to find, picking up my favorite candy from the store, picking me flowers on her way inside, making me special treats, writing love letters, etc. 

Her language is acts of service and quality time, so she didn’t know how to show me she loved me. Giving her precise things that she can do helped her a lot. 

 

Post # 11
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@Schrodingers-Car:  I know that it sucks and it’s not the way that we’d really like life to be, but I honestly think that you’ll have to sit down with him and give him a list of examples of gifts you would love or have loved in the past. Even writing on the list “handmade cards”.

I believe that in the book he suggests that 1 month after reading the book together, you have a catch up/check point/check up talk when you compare how you both feel you have been going with the other’s language. 

I would suggest doing that asap. And ASK him what he needs to be able to speak in your language. Does he want a list? Does he just need a few verbal suggestions? 

I do think that gifts would be the hardest to have and the hardest to try to understand. But you shouldn’t feel like you need to change your language! 1) I don’t think it can be done and 2) It’s part of who you are. It’s very easy for gifts to seem greedy but a “task” person would be happiest when you were a slave for them really, so they all sound bad if you take them to extremes ;).

 

Post # 13
Member
10384 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Jaey:  Yeah but that goes both ways. If she’s willing to do tasks to show him she loves him, even though her language is gifts, he needs to be able to compromise in the same way!

Post # 15
Member
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

@Schrodingers-Car:  I don’t feel awkward. I don’t like gifts in the sense of clutter, but I like things that required thought that are given to me. Right now FI is working on coloring a paisley coloring book for me. I consider this a “gift” because she spent the time and enegry on working on it. Some of my favorite gifts from her have been handmade art or crafts. 

I guess because I am such a close cross between gifts and acts of service, I see them as both kinda. There is nothing wrong with it though, I tend to show people I love them by making them things and I get a lot of pleasure out of buying people things too. 

What also helped us is learing to notice when the other person was speaking their language. Like when she goes to the store and gets things to make a really nice meal, she is showing me she loves me by cooking or making sure the fluids on the car are good. If I only thought about how she wasn’t showing me love in MY language, I would be miserable, but when I think about all of the things she does collectively, it helps a lot. 

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