How do I stop being an uptight crabby pants?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I have no advice for you but I know exactly how you feel! I seem to be picking on DH for the stupidest things!! I have decided to start a challenge where I have to go 2 weeks without picking about anything, if he does something stupid I don’t get mad. All I do is write everything down, what he did and how it made me feel thn at the end I plan on re reading what I wrote to try show myself that the things I’m getting upset or cranky about aren’t important. If I don’t care about that ever he did after those two weeks are up then it gives me a bit more insight. I’m just a type a control freak. I need to learn to chillax

Post # 4
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I have no advice for you but I know exactly how you feel! I seem to be picking on DH for the stupidest things!! I have decided to start a challenge where I have to go 2 weeks without picking about anything, if he does something stupid I don’t get mad. All I do is write everything down, what he did and how it made me feel thn at the end I plan on re reading what I wrote to try show myself that the things I’m getting upset or cranky about aren’t important. If I don’t care about that ever he did after those two weeks are up then it gives me a bit more insight. I’m just a type a control freak. I need to learn to chillax

Post # 5
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Whoops, I hate double posting lol sorry

Post # 6
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

It’s just nice when people let you be YOU. Sometimes, we do have to compromise and I even have to do this with my own family, but I really HATE feeling obligated for anything. Thank God my DH allows me to be ME, but I feel for you and hopefully it will work out, one day at a time…..;-)

Post # 7
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Girl, we are in the same situation. My husbands family sounds just like your fiances family and it drives me crazy.. I used to get so flustered that he started calling his mom on his way home from work so I wouldn’t know how much they talked.. but when I found out, it just irked me more.. 

I think all relationships have “rough patches”. I was with my fiance for almost 6 years before we got married (we’ve now been married for almost 3 months). People thing its weird that since our wedding we’ve been in a bit of a rough patch and not all in newly married bliss but thats just the way it is.. the wedding didn’t change anything and we’ve been at each other a lot lately. I know we love each other though and we’ve been here before, so it’ll pass.. just like I am sure it’ll pass for you and your fiance.. Don’t think its unusual because all couples go through stuff and phases.. especially when a lot of change is occuring. 

Post # 9
Member
11589 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

Firstly arguing over important issues is entirely different than just being a crab all of the time. If there is something weighing on your mind don’t let small things (like unclean dishes in the sink) cause a screaming match. Sit down and talk about the issue at hand, don’t move on to anything else bothering you until you get that done in a calm matter. If you are honestly just being crabby due to small issues stressing you out (such as household chores), notice when you are about to snap, stop yourself, walk into another room, and just breath. Once you are calm then talk bout it. Being crabby, snappy, or plain rude will not solve the problem, it will only make it worse. Good luck, OP! Remember to talk about the family issue, and not let it weigh on your mind. If you do let it weigh on your mind every small thing he does will make you hateful or resentful, such as not putting his socks away.

Post # 10
Member
1861 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Jw1724:  You mention that you and your folks are loving but independent, and that it works for you. Try to transfer the same attitude to you and your partner. If you guys don’t see each other during the week, it shouldn’t make any difference to you how much he and his family are in touch over the week! That’s not about you.

But I can understand that you feel jealous, then, of the time you have together on the weekends. I think it’s reasonable to expect his phone calls with his family to not go on forevvvvver during that time, but! When he does call them, it’s a good opportunity for you to work out, do the dishes, watch some of your favorite TV, take a nap, catch up on silly YouTube videos, etc. In short, to do YOUR THING — just as you will when you’re married. Conversely, if you guys have plans for the weekend, his family phone call should be scheduled to make sure that your plans come first.

Finally…yeah, you won’t be able to make every family get-together, particularly if they’re super frequent. Since he does have such a close day-to-day relationship with them (and since you’re so gracious about this…) the trade-off needs to be that everyone understands that sometimes you can’t both be physically present for everything. This is important boundary-setting on his part.

Good luck! Working out family relationships is a tough couple thing, especially when you come from very different “models” of family interaction style.

Post # 12
Member
1690 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

In my relationship I’m in the one with the super involved family, but it works for FI and I. I talk to my mom everyday, my aunt several times per week and same with my cousins. and we usually see them once or twice a week. There’s ALWAYS a get together happening in my family, weather it’s a holiday or a birthday or just because.. Theres always something. 

Luckily my FI loves my family and doesn’t have an issue with our closeness, I don’t think our relationship would work if he did. His family is not super close, we usually only see them on holidays and occasionally here and there, my family definitely takes up the majority of our time.

Im also super close to my brother and he’s very close to the family too. He had a girlfriend once who was a lot like you (in this sense anyways). She came from an independent family and was REALLY not used to us getting together all the time, or my brother being so close to my mom and I.  It was becoming really obvious that she was very jealous of the time he spent with us, or the closeness we had. I don’t think either of them did a good job explaining their needs or setting boundaries that they were both comfortable with. She just let it fester, and eventually they broke up, but it was always an issue for their whole relationship. 

My point is, you have to find a balance that works for both of you. I can understand your FI’s point of view (this is the way it’s always been, I love my family and I don’t see why I have to change anything), but if you’re not comfortable spending all that time with his family you NEED to say something or it will become a bigger issue as time goes on and resentment builds.

Post # 13
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

When I found myself snapping at DH for no apparent reason (when we first moved in together), I started to see a therapist once or twic a month.

She gave me some coping strategies to dealing with DH’s family, and gave me a place to vent and talk about why those things irritated me so much!

It was SO helpful!

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