How do I tell my fiancé I don't want his sister involved?

posted 2 weeks ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
3062 posts
Sugar bee

namarried :  Is he marrying her or is he marrying you? Ask him. And remind him that while her input may be helpful at times, final decisions should be made by the two of you. 

Post # 3
Member
11178 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

“Honey (or whatever you would call him), I appreciate the fact that your sister is trying to help and that you want to do things the ‘right’ way. But just because  (sister’s name) did something doesn’t automatically make it the correct, best, or only way.

“That’s why there are many books and online sources about etiquette, and there are online forums like Weddingbee that offer a range of perspectives on what works well, what doesn’t, and why. Some of the things that your sister did aren’t necessarily considered to be traditional, proper or a even a good idea.

“The problem with a ‘pre-rsvp’ on a save-the-date is that it makes the STD a defacto invitation. People should not need to feel compelled to make a decision now about an event a year from now. And, if they do, circumstances easily could still change, giving us a false sense of what our acceptance rate actually will be …

“And, you need to think about this. No first-time bride who isn’t a wedding planner has ever really planned a wedding before. It’s something special that each new bride gets to do. Your sister has had her chance. Now this is my turn to be the bride. I want to plan our wedding with you. Not with your sister, regardless of how well-meaning her intentions are.”

Post # 4
Member
544 posts
Busy bee

I don’t really think the issue here is your sister-in-law, rather the way your fiancé is disregarding your thoughts for hers.

 

Post # 5
Member
1657 posts
Bumble bee

namarried :  You tell him you’re going to consult with Elizabeth Taylor’s ghost; after all, she had eight weddings… No amateurs for you! 

Post # 7
Member
2746 posts
Sugar bee

Just tell him you’re not doing a carbon copy of his sister’s wedding. YOU are the bride and your opinion counts more than hers. Period. Good Lord, please don’t let her have the first baby. 👶 

Post # 9
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

You need to nip this in the bud and now!! This behaviour won’t stop at your wedding, it will carry on and you’re going to have SIL dictating your marriage and life. 

Post # 10
Member
7842 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It’s your wedding (by that I mean “you” plural, him and you), not hers. Ask him whose opinion is more important to him: yours or hers?

Specifically:

* a pre-RSVP is silly. Just handle the STDs yourself and ignore her. (As an aside, STDs aren’t necessary except for travelling guests).

* Wedding games are almost always a bad idea. You don’t need “entertainment”. The wedding itself is the event.

* Weddings don’t need a theme. “Wedding” is the theme. While I agree a wedding theme can be done well if it suits the couple; a theme for theme’s sake is what you do at a kid’s birthday party, not a wedding.

Post # 11
Member
4611 posts
Honey bee

namarried :  I’d say that “Thanks for the advice, but that’s her wedding, not mine.”

Post # 12
Member
211 posts
Helper bee

Tread lightly. She is going to be a member of your family soon and tension now could spill over into the future for years. Politely listen to her suggestions and then make your own choices. Follow up on one or two  of her ideas.. cake flavor or tablecloth choice? Tell your FH,, “We are going to be a couple and we need to learn to set family boundaries. It starts here.”

Post # 13
Member
2099 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

namarried :  I understand what you’re going through.  DH’s sister got married last September and she was super excited to share her ideas with us.  When I would want to do something different, DH would say “but my sister did it this way”.  One time I got so pissed I snapped and asked who he was marrying.  He got the hint and backed down.  I also asked that he not share so many details so we wouldn’t get unsolicited advice, which was hard because his family lives out of state and wanted to feel involved.

His sister finally did back down a bit because she became pregnant and was distracted by that.  In your case, OP, I think your FI is the one that needs to back down.  I would explain, like I had to, that his sister has already planned her wedding, and this is something you were looking forward to with him, without a lot of outside advice.  You definitely need to set the boundaries now.  In our case, the advice was much more prevalent when we first announced our engagement; as the months went on, it became less.

Post # 14
Member
7941 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I don’t think you have a sister in-law problem.

I think you do have a communication problem since it seems that you and your FI have very different ideas about the wedding. But you do need to remember that it is his wedding as well so his vision and wants count as well.

Post # 15
Member
1631 posts
Bumble bee

You are marrying this guy, hopefully you will be with him for life, so you have to be able to talk to him. Knowing how life goes, this won’t be the most uncomfortable thing you will ever have to talk about. 

Tell him how great he is and his sister is, and remind him that the 2 of you are different people, not with the same tastes, and this is your wedding, and you want to plan it your way, just like she planned hers, her way. 

If he gets stubborn about it, make up your mind that you will be dealing with this from now on.

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