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Oooh, I don't really have any great ideas but am in exactly the same position so am interested to hear what others have to say. We are Australian and French living in the US, getting the paperwork done there for visa reasons before a trip to Australia for our real wedding. People close to us know the story and reasons, but I don't know how to tell everyone else. I don't want them to think they aren't getting the real deal just because our wedding itself won't be the legally binding occasion it usually is.
Anyway, no answers here. Just more interested ears!
Ok, I had a bit of a brainwave (I think). I think we should personally call our very close family members and friends and tell them what's what and for everyone else, we'll send an electronic STD or STD card with this message below/on the back:
We're getting weddinged!
Hi everyone! This is just a note to please save the date of [DATE] for our wedding in beautiful and historic Scotland! We'll be doing the legal bit in Montreal this Christmas, but our actual wedding, with rings, food, dancing and lots and lots of love, will take place on [DATE]. Look out for your invitation in the mail in early '09 and check out our website at....
K + D
Thoughts?
I like your wording. And the closer to Christmastime you can get your wedding in Scotland, the less weird it will seem (if it seems weird at all to some).
Ooh, I forgot to mention we already have a date...in July.
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I think that if you consider the legal wedding to be just paperwork (which is what we did), then there's not much reason to tell people. We didn't think of it as being deceiving, because the wedding *was* the real one for us. The few people that we told outside of our family were just confused.
I don't think many people will think themselves "cheated". And if they do, that's just silly. A wedding is about two people making a committment public, not about the legal details!
But, your wording looks really good if you really want to tell people. Just a note, not everyone knows what "weddinged" means. I didn't until just a few weeks ago. And be prepared for questions. We got a lot of questions about why we did the legal part separately, and if such things were allowed (?).
Anyway, good luck, whatever you do! =)
All of my international friends considered the paperwork just paperwork. You are only married when you say you are married. If you are going to be calling him Hubbie and feel like it is a secret - it is a secret - but if you feel like it is just paperwork, it's just paperwork. I have a good friend who I am going to see in a few minutes who has been "married" according to paperwork for a year to her boyfriend who lives in Paris (via Lebanon). They are planning a wedding, but because of paperwork, visas, etc., you sometimes have to do things like get officially married a year or more in advance - but we just follow their lead - she says "I can't wait to go see my FI tomorrow (she gets to go to Lebanon tomorrow - I'm so excited for her) than he's her FI. If she had said Husband, than he'd be her Husband, etc. A wedding in Scottland - fun, fun!! Congrats!
My FMIL is just concerned that if we didn't tell people that we are legally wed before the wedding and it came out, there might be some hurt feelings. I don't really agree with this, but I'm not about to argue with a Scottish mum!
@ peihan17 - I was thinking about having a little asterix * and explaining what weddinged means at the bottom of the message. Up until a few weeks ago, I had no idea what it meant either.
@ enmoore66 - We won't be calling each other hubby and wifey until the Scottish wedding. It's paperwork times a thousand!
this is really common in Europe and most other parts of the world...it's pretty much expected that there will be a legal ceremony with just immediate family and then a bigger celebration later. I don't think any of your European guests will be surprised in the least and might think it's odd that you go out of the way to explain. Personally I wouldn't do anything written, I would just have family and friends spread the word and be upfront about it when people ask.
I agree with BaghdadBride! Many brides who have destination weddings get married in their hometowns first, then have the ceremony abroad (to avoid the legal wranglings of another country's marriage process). I don't think you need to explain yourselves at all. Since your ceremony is taking place in Scotland, the Montreal wedding is really just a legal matter between the two of you that doesn't need to be shared with all of your guests.
I would just indicate on your invitations that you're inviting people to the public celebration of your marriage with family and friends. As opposed to the private, civil ceremony that you already had. If somebody asks specifically, you can explain. I personally think that too much explanation is just that - too much. And I'm not fond of made-up words - which is what "weddinged" sounds like to me (plus it's a little cutesy...)
You could say something like: Please plan on joining us to celebrate our union as husband and wife... or: The honor of your presence is requested to witness the marriage vows of...
Neither goes into too much detail, but neither attempts to deny any previous civil ceremony. I agree a little with your FMIL, that you shouldn't purposely deceive your guests (don't outright lie to them, or try too hard to hide the civil ceremony) but I also agree with rebecca that as your guest I don't need the invitation or STD to give me your life story...
People do this all the time, and I don't think it's a big deal. We actually didn't do the paperwork until several weeks *after* our "wedding" but the day with the rings was the real deal, not the paper day.
I don't really think you need to tell anyone at all, but if you do, just be upfront about it. I mean, how many weddings have you been to where you watched them sign the certificate? You have a good reason to do it, and I think that's all the explanation you need.
I'm so glad other people have this problem too!
My fiance and I are getting legally married in a week (ack!) in California because there is a vote coming up in November that might make it illegal for us to marry after that date (since we are a same sex couple). Our wedding isn't scheduled until next summer, but we're doing it legally now. Since the legal marraige is not a big affair -- just our parents will be there -- I'm really not thinking of it as the actual marraige and because of that I don't really feel like other folks need to know everything (although I feel like I'm having to explain it all to everyone anyway).
Well, I guess my point is that you shouldn't feel like you're deceiving anyone. No one else is involved in the legal bits, but they are involved in the wedding bits -- so just let them know that you're happy they could be a part of it, no need to discuss the legality.
Congrats!
There are lots of invite wordings that state that you are celebrating your marriage rather than your "wedding" since you will already be married.
This site has some with eloping even though thats not what you are doing or a private ceremony and inviting people to a reception.
http://www.invitationconsultants.com/sw-wedding.aspx
I think that if you send out a wedding annoucement for the people who won't be at the Montreal ceremony could work also. Stating that you got married.
There is a site that deals with all weddings offbeat- such as yours- weddinged was featured a couple weeks back and here's the search on it.
http://offbeatbride.com/?s=weddinged
However, if people think you are decieving them, well they are just boo... be upfront about it and seriously, just call it the marriage in front of God and your families... the court just got theirs first!
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Well, my biggest concern was that people would be under the impression that they were witnessing the legal bit (which is a natural assumption), when in fact we've already done it. While everyone knows we are citizens of two different countries, regular people just don't concern themselves with immigration issues, so no one will know what we have to do unless we tell them. I (along with my fiance and FPIL) was worried that it would come out that we were already married at the wedding and people would just feel weird about the whole situation. Just think about it: you've assumed one thing for many, many months, only to be told that what you thought was correct was in fact not. It would be shocking at first, but it would be something you got over (hopefully). I just want to avoid that shock, especially for the older generation, especially the Scottish side. I've come to learn that my future-in-laws are rather traditional whereas I am not, so I'm trying to navigate that rocky terrain with grace and humour. On top of that, we are having guests come from literally every continent (we met in Japan and made lots of friends there who have spread all over the world + I'm of African descent) and we can't just hope that word of our legal marriage will spread to everyone in a satisfactory way.
@suzanno, I don't like to over explain myself, or feel like I have to explain myself, period, but in this case, I have to be sensitive to different groups. Being vague on the invite isn't going to help matters and honestly, I don't think many people will read between the lines - "witness the marriage vows" connotes that we will be saying our vows in front of everyone, but it still infers that we're going to sign the register and make it legal.
@missbanana: Every single wedding that I've been to, they've signed the register. My FMIL thought that if we got rid of the table where we would otherwise sign the register, people would notice and I'm inclined to agree with her.
@jennred782: Thanks for the link. I might re-work the commitment invite wording to include our families.
@babagrlshell: I have Offbeat Bride on my reader and saw that post and read the comment. That's when I realized I wasn't alone.
In the end, I know doing the legal bit is our business and we don't need to explain ourselves, but I'm the type of person that likes to be forthcoming and don't like leaving things up to other people's assumptions. I think for my situation, being upfront to everyone, rather than waiting for the broken telephone to spread the news, is the way to go. I know of three couples who didn't tell people about getting married prior to the wedding. One ended badly and the other two have kept their "secrets". I don't need this hanging over my head. Thanks for letting me talk this thing out. I think I know what to do now.
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Hi there,
I'm Canadian and my fiance is a Brit and we currently live in the UK. We will be having our wedding up in Scotland next year, but because of visa and immigration issues, we've decided to get married in Montreal when we return home for a visit at Christmastime (I'm originally from there). We consider our wedding next year to be the "real deal" as it will be the date we'll use to celebrate our anniversary and celebrate our marriage to one another in front of family in friends. The paperwork that will be done in Montreal prior will be just that - paperwork. Our parents and a few close friends know and understand, but we'd like to make it known to everyone we'll be inviting that we're already legally married (we don't want to start our marriage "deceiving" people) and would like to be upfront with people. Unfortunately, we don't know how. Short of calling all 80 people we're inviting, I'm hoping I can get ideas on how to tell people. Since we're sort of having a destination wedding (loads of people will have to travel), we'll be sending out STDs in the coming months. I was thinking of maybe incorporating something in that. Beehive, I'd love to hear what you think!