(Closed) How do I tell this girl not to match my wedding party?! Help!

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Could you send her a polite email letting her know that she can wear whatever she wants and just state that she doesn’t need to match your bridal party? Failing that, you could tell her that the dress she wore to your brother’s wedding was gorgeous, and she should wear that again. πŸ˜›

Post # 5
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

That’s a tough one, because even though you obviously know what she’s trying to do, she doesn’t come right out and say that she is intending to match them.  I would try to play dumb and act like you think she’s asking so she can avoid matching.  So you could say something like “Hi Sally, our bridesmaids are wearing blue, so you should be fine wearing any color besides that! Can’t wait to see you!”  That way you get the point across that she should not try to match, but you don’t come across as demanding.  Also, just say something like “blue” or “green” but don’t give her a specific like “royal blue”, that way if she still tries to go match, she doesn’t have enough information.

I would also explain the situation to the photographer so he/she knows not to have her in the pictures, and be very aware of it on the day of the wedding itself too.  Also, if you have a wedding website, make sure the information is not on there, and if you got your bridesmaid dresses at someplace like David’s Bridal, call and make sure they take the color information out of their computers (or change it to a different color) so she can’t go in and act like she’s a bridesmaid and ask them to look it up for her.  I would also have a word with your brother about why it is inappropriate so he can hopefully reign her in…

Post # 6
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

@roxy821: I think after what she did at their wedding, your SIL would totally understand if you asked her not to give this girl the color information!

Post # 8
Member
2237 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

If she clearly is under the idea that she’s supposed to match the bridal party (which she isn’t) why don’t you just tell her so?  I’m sure brides at all the weddings she’s invited to in the future will also appreciate it! haha

I would go with @greenleafmountain ‘s advice and just play dumb about it…

Post # 9
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I truly believe honesty is the best policy. That said, it’s tough to dictate to people what they can/can’t wear.

I would just tell her that you are excited that she is coming to the wedding, but you would appreciate it if she didn’t attempt to match. Tell her that you don’t want the girls in your party to feel that their dresses aren’t special to the wedding party…or something like that.

OR you could just flat come out and tell her that while you appreciate her enthusiasm, she doesn’t need to match because as much as you can’t wait to see her there, she isn’t in the wedding party and it isn’t appropriate for her to try to match like she did last time.

Also, call your sis in law and ask her not to talk to her about the dress.

Post # 10
Member
1080 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I would lie and tell her they are the opposite color than what they really are πŸ˜‰

no but really tell you BIL to talk to to about how she is NOT in the bridal party. Then I would call her and polietly but firmly inform her that you would much rather she pick a different colored dress as she is not part of the bridal party and you don’t want family members to be confused.

Post # 11
Member
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Since she contacted you about it, you’re in luck! Just let her know that you aren’t having guests match the bridal party (you could even suggest she just wear the dress she wore to the last wedding, mention how pretty it was or something πŸ˜‰

Post # 12
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Hmm, I had someone do something similar to me recently. A really great friend sent me a hugely excited text message saying “I have a gorgeous dress for your wedding and I have a hair clip that matches your flowers!”. Only we only have one attendant each so we were counting on using the bouts and flowers to identify people in the wedding party! So I just told her that I was so happy she was so excited about the wedding but would rather she not wear the flowers because she’ll be mistaken for someone in the wedding party. She totally understood and said if I didn’t want her to wear them then she wouldn’t.

But she is one of my greatest friends and we communicate really well together. So that might not work for you. I’d go with greenleafmountain’s suggestion and just say “oh well they’re wearing blue so you can wear any other colour!” and see if you get a reaction back.

Post # 13
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I was going to say the same thing as some other posters: play dumb and assume that she’s trying to avoid matching, “Well, our bridesmaids are wearing green, so you will be fine to wear any colour besides that!”.

Or tell her the bridesmaids are wearing orange, and then at the wedding tell her you changed the colour. Just kidding… kind of…

Post # 14
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Unfortunately you cannot control other people’s rudeness. Someone is going to have to be extremely blunt and tell her that what she is doing is completely uncalled for, and even then it may be a wasted effort. The color of your dresses is none of her business so don’t give out that info and tell others to not let her have the info either.  Do not sink to her level, which includes lying. Either way, at some point, this behavior has to be controlled and stopped. But playing dumb will only make it continue.

Also, make sure that your photographer knows ahead of time to not include her in any formal pictures if she tries to sneak in.

Post # 15
Member
1944 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Honestly from the email this girl sounds a little clueless and if she does not want to pick the wrong color then she IS trying to match your bridesmaids. For me, and yes it sometimes gets me in trouble, but I never have any regreats, honesty is the best policy. I hate when people play games or play dumb. Just tell the poor, clueless girl what you would prefer her not to wear. Maybe, how I have no clue, does not know you don’t match the bridesmaids. Just tell her.

Post # 16
Member
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I know people say that honesty is the best policy, but sometimes being blunt can be hurtful and embarrassing, especially if she somehow doesn’t realize that she is being inappropriate.  I agree with the pp who said to pretend that you think she is trying NOT to match – she will get the hint, without being embarrassed.

If after that hint, she still doesn’t get it, you may have to move on to bluntness πŸ™‚ 

Good luck! what an annoying situation!

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