(Closed) how do i tell

posted 9 years ago in Encore
Post # 3
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Yikes, I wish I had some personal advice for you. I do think this is something you should have brought up before the ring, but since you already have the child (who’s 16 now and probably driving, and your FI knows about that, I’m sure he is understanding, especially since I’m assuming he is in his 30’s also. That’s different than you being, 23, like me, and going "well, 5 years ago….". It was a long time ago. Just sit him down and tell him you have something important to tell him about your past and your child and just be straight up about it. He’ll probably be really mad that you kept this from him (i’d be FUMING at first) but he will cool down, realize it doesn’t change who you are, you made a bad decision when you were 17, and you are marrying him now. Older, wiser, and for the better. At the time, you thought it was the best choice for you and your baby, and being 17, i’m sure your parents encouraged it somewhat too.

Good luck, i’m sorry if i have sucky advice!

Post # 4
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

First, congrats on your upcoming wedding!  As for your question – you say that this will be your third marriage and that he doesn’t know about the first marriage.  Don’t you just have to list that you are divorced and have a certificate showing that (presumably from your second marriage)?  Going with that theory, I don’t know if you’d even have to mention that you were married at 17.

That being said, I wouldn’t want to start off my marriage on the wrong foot by not disclosing that information.  I assume your FI knows you have a child, and probably knows who the father is, so why not mention that you were married for a very brief time period because you thought it was the right thing to do? 

If it were me, I would let him know prior to going to fill out your marriage license.  The last thing you want to do is cause a scene in the courthouse.  Maybe mention it after dinner one night while you’re doing dishes?  You say that you’ve accepted eachother as you are – this should be no different, right?

Post # 6
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Um, if a legal guardian didn’t sign, was the marriage actually legal?!

If it wasn’t legal, I guess it wasn’t a marriage

It probably would come back to bite you later, so it’s best to just bring it up now. Everyone makes decisions when they’re younger that they think are for the best. Shoot, I’ve done some things when I was 16 that I’m not proud of of and I told my FI. I thought he’d freak. You know what he said? "who cares, that was a loooong time ago and it’s not who you are anymore." I’m sure your FI will realize this!

Post # 8
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

I’m concerned that it sounds like the only reason why you are considering telling him about the first marriage is because of what might be discovered in applying for the marriage license.  Am I reading this wrong?  And where you say it’s never been brought up or discussed because you accept each other.  I don’t think this is about acceptance.  Unless you elaborate on that, I’m going to say, it’s never been brought up because you didn’t want him to know.  He wasn’t just going to ask, "When you had your son at 17, did you marry the guy?"  At that the age of 17, he really probably just assumed you weren’t married. 

Please sit down and be honest about everything you need to tell him.  Whatever those things might be.  (Your marriages, your feelings, your wants and expectations about this marriage.) You don’t want surprises.  If you don’t bring this up on your own terms, what happens if he stumbles upon it one day?  Are you insecure he’ll be overwhelmed by the "fact" that you’ll be on your third marriage?  Does he know about the second marriage?  I think understandably, your first marriage was pretty much under durress.  You were a minor and pregnant.  I think that’s pretty much a do over. 

Good luck.

 

 

Post # 10
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Sounds like he has an overwhelming family.  Are you concerned that if you tell him, he won’t be able to keep it a secret from them?   It’s not really a requirement for them to know.  If that’s part of the reason it made you hesitant to tell your Fi, tell him.  He’ll probably understand that one.    Good luck.

Post # 11
Member
960 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I don’t really have any advice, but please don’t say that he thinks your child is "illegitimate." As some one who actually WAS born out of wedlock and to some might be considered "illegitimate" it’s kind of offensive. My mom has taken great care to pound in my head that no child deserves that term. Regardless if you married the father of your child or not, your FI should never consider it illegitimate. Sorry to threadjack…I’ll get off my soapbox now. I hope you can resolve this issue. Just be honest with him. Better late than never, ya know?

Post # 12
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think your FI should know, but don’t tell his family. They don’t need to know every little thing about you OR your lives together. People can be so nosy sometimes. Inappropriately nosy.

I wouldn’t give them any information that would cause them to treat you poorly or think of you less. I’m sure they think themselves high and mighty anyways and you don’t need the added stress of ignorant people knowing business they shoudln’t know in the first place. 

he should respect your privacy and not tell them. Simple as that. 

Post # 13
Member
368 posts
Helper bee

Something that always helps me (in both personal and professional situations) is to "sandwitch" the bad with the good. For example, you can start off by telling him all the reasons you love him and are excited to marry him…. Then you can go into the thing about your first marriage (and ask that he just listen and not make judgements), you can even explain how hard it is to talk about, how it makes you feel to tell him, etc…. and then go into his wonderful attributes that you appreciate or something wonderful about him. If this man is really your soul mate and best match, then he will understand where you are coming from, and he will accept you and love you no matter what. One last thing – the sooner, the better. Nobody deserves to sit and let something like that eat them up and make them feel bad or anxious!! Best of luck!!

Post # 14
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Yeah, I’m with the "you gotta get it out there" crowd. And there’s NOTHING wrong with it being your third marriage! I married my ‘baby daddy’ when I was 19; it lasted one year to the day. Other than having to deal with the man on occasion, I don’t give it much thought. FI knew about it; oddly, he was the first person I dated (at the ripe old age of 21) when I left my daughter’s father. It took 14 years and my 2nd marriage to bring us back together.

I have no problem being married again, and neither should you. But I think you have got to be honest. Things have a way of coming out, and if you don’t do it now, he’ll question your integrity later. Both of you deserve better than that.

Post # 15
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2009

FIRST…CONGRATS!!  SECOND…you said your fiance loves you for you are well make sure that he is loving who you really are not just the parts that you expose him to.  I agree with ejs4y8.  If his family doesnt ask and he doesnt feel the need to tell them then that can be a secret that can stay between the two of you.  You tried to make something work for a good cause and for one reason or another it didn’t.  There is nothing to be ashamed of.  You don’t EVER want to start your wedding off with lies or things "hidden".  My Mom always called those kind of lies "white lies".  and well it’s in the name, they are still "lies".  Nothing positive will come from it because one day down the line it will come out.    I would approach him and be as open and honest as you can.  Expect a mix reaction…he deserves the right to be upset so remember that.  If he loves you like you say he will work through this with you. 

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