How do I uninvite my fiances ex who invited herself?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard

You don’t. You need to have your FI uninvite her. 

Etiquette Rule #1 – NO EXES!!!!  

Tell him you do NOT want her there and he misspoke without checking with you or the guest list. He needs to stand by you. 

I would be saying OH HELL NO to him! He told her, he needs to tell her otherwise! 

Post # 3
Member
42469 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

ToriLG89:  I’m assuming if you are at the “Save the Date” stage, that sending out invitations is some time in the future.

That means you have plenty of time to talk with your FI about your feelings. It may not be as simple as him uninviting her , or witholding an invitation though.

If she is indeed best friends with your brother, is there any chance that he would ask her to be his plus one?

 

Post # 4
Member
1216 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

MrsTtoB:  I don’t disagree with your main point, but I’m pretty sure “No Exes” is NOT ettiquette rule number ONE. I know plenty of people who are still friendly with their exes. Heck I had two friends who one dated this guy all through high school (serious relationship after too) and then her best friend started dating him, and the first girl was her MOH at her wedding. Lots of people can be mature adults and remain on friendly terms with their exes.

Post # 5
Member
25 posts
Newbee

I think if you or your brother explain the situation to her and help her try and see how uncomfortable it would be for you, I think she would understand. If she wants to not be understanding then you have more of an excuse to tell her she’s not invited! It’s your day and you definitely don’t need any ex’s at YOUR  wedding! 

Post # 6
Member
32 posts
Newbee

You should talk to your fiancé and let him know how uncomfortable you are about her attending. Given that he knows that you know about their past, he should understand why you feel the way you do. Since he invited her, he should be the one to uninvited her. I would personally not want someone like that at my own wedding. 

Post # 7
Member
1216 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

ToriLG89:  It doesn’t sound like she invited herself, but asked why she wasn’t invited. I’m not saying that isn’t a rude thing to do, but your FI had an option to say she wasn’t invited and he instead told her she could come. My opinion is you can’t uninvite her now.

Also I don’t see what her being a gorgeous salsa dancer has to do with it. If she hasn’t talked to your guy in years she obviously isn’t after him. She probably just wanted to be included because they’ve known each other for ever and her brother is in the wedding. I have friends who I’ve known for ever who are also people I had kind of relationships with. In fact, my “Brides Attendant” is a guy I used to have a big thing for and made out with at the bar before and my FI knows and doesn’t care because he knows we are all past it.

Post # 10
Member
7195 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

ToriLG89:  First, why do you care if she ends up with one of the single guys there? So I don’t know what you mean by not trusting her.

Anyway, (a) don’t send her an invitation, and (b) get your fiance to call back and say he made a mistake. Get him to say the guest list is limited, and he only said yes because she put him on the spot. He made the mess, he can clean it up.

p.s. In my opinion it’s certainly not against etiquette to revoke the “invitation”, since it wasn’t a proper invitation to begin with (verbal only, and only when your fiance was pressured).

Post # 11
Member
42469 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

aussiemum1248:  exactly. FI got them into this mess, he can get them out.

 

ToriLG89: 

I disagree with a pp who says you can’t uninvite her. She was rude enough to put your FI on the spot and he was foolish enough to extend an invitation without checking with you.

FI can call her up. Possible script:

“I am sorry. I as unprepared when you called about not receiving a STD, so I blurted out an invitation. I should not have done that and regret doing so. We will not be sending you an invitation, just as we will not be inviting other people we have not spoken to  in the last two years. I am sure you will understand.”

It’s ridiculous to be guilt tripped into inviting someone you haven’t seen in two years.

 

Post # 12
Member
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard

MissPhish:  I know it’s not number one with most but it is with us. I too went to an exes wedding so I know it’s possible to have those friendships. But with the way OP feels, that’s an Oh Hell No. She needs to be honest to FI about her feelings and have him uninvite her. He hasn’t even heard or seen her for years, there’s no reason for her to be there than her wanting to go to a party because she knows some people there. 

Weddings should be to celebrate with family and close friends that you want to share your love with, not share with you ex you had sex with.

If he wants to invite her – have him tell all his family and friends first about the relationship he had with her first, then see how others feel about it!!!! 

Post # 13
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

ToriLG89:  Hate to tell you this, you are going to come off as the bad guy no matter how she gets uninvited. She was rude to ask why she wasn’t invited but your fi should have said no. We had a similar situation, dh’s ex asked why she wasn’t invited (they spoke occasionally, she also went off the deep end when she heard he proposed because he hadn’t told her ahead of time), he told her she wouldn’t be invited. He made that call without even asking me but I got one hell of a message calling me all kinds of things from her. I ignored it at my dh’s request and she then attempted to get an invite through his sisters, considering they never really liked her that backfired big time. Point is that regardless of the fact that I had never even been involved in the decision to not invite her (although my dh knew how I felt about her), I was the bad guy because it must be me because he would never do that to her. So you have three choices: a. be the bad guy and have your fi uninvite her b. hate the fact that she is there but let her come anyway (I can promise she will not be the centre of attention you will be the bride and she will look like an ass if she tries to take that attention) or c. inform everyone of their history and have her uninvited

Not sure that’s helpful but it’s how I see it

Post # 14
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

This is your day – I think that you are allowed to be a little rude if you want to be. Remember that she is a reminder of the past, you are the future. If he does not like that, he can join her in the past as well (a little dramatic but you get the picture). This is not up for debate and you should be able to express how you feel. 

Post # 15
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

While I agree that it’s not too late to clear up the misunderstanding about her invitation, isn’t there a bigger issue here about why you don’t want her at the wedding? It’s not because your venue is full or your list is maxed out, it’s because “she is single and gorgeous and a professional salsa dancer. She could take her pick of the guys and I don’t trust her.”<br /><br />

This is just code for “I’m insecure and I don’t trust my fiance“. It seems that the real problem is not potential “thunder stealing”, it’s that you believe your fiance still harbors feelings/an attraction for this girl.

And before you start declaring up and down that you totally trust your fiance and it’s all about this girl: if no one knows about their past relationship, the possibility of her somehow “stealing your thunder” by virtue of being his ex is in your head. What kind of “scene” are you worried about her making, exactly? 

What are you going to do if your brother invites her as his date?

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