- 2 years ago
I must have written and deleted this post 3 times.
I’m realizing that not every detail of our relationship is needed so here’s how I’m feeling; my fiance and I have been together just over 2 years now. I don’t see a future with him anymore and I don’t think he can see one with me either – he tells me the opposite but I so strongly feel that we’re incompatible it’s hard for me to believe that. He has severe anger issues, I feel like we can’t even talk for 5 minutes without him snapping at me – usually his anger is directed toward himself for “making me upset” (this is NEVER true, it is always completely inside his head and he ends up making things that were literally nothing into huge fights). He is really emotionally… disconnected? Emotionally inept? Socially inept? Something isn’t right. He doesn’t have any friendships and his only other relationship was just as toxic and he was 100x worse to her (me and his ex became buddies over the last year, they don’t speak at all, awkward kind of?) and he has a very odd relationship with his parents. He practically worships them. Especially his mother, she is an absolute saint to him but incredibly cold and impersonal to me, always.
I am miserable. I have never felt this lonely and depressed and downright suicidal in my entire life. Every time I attempt to walk away, I get scared and stop myself, or I will do it and panic and run back. Nothing ever changes, if anything things are just getting worse. I deserve so much better than the way he treats me, I want so much more than I have right now. I know I am a really good person but I just feel like I will never, ever meet anyone remotely decent again. My past is filled with emotional & physical abuse, rape, cheating, habitual liars – to say I have a horrible fear of abandonment would be a massive understatement. He used to be so loving and so sweet, so thoughtful and giving. He was always bringng me gifts or surprising me by having packages show up at my door, he’d surprise me with dinner by calling my local favorite restaurants and having them deliver, he was just always so kind. I don’t know what changed in the last 7-9 months but this is unbearable. I wish he was still the person I fell so in love with. He says he feels like things are just normal now, like they were unhealthy before but he likes his alone time. His ex told me that he wouldn’t even speak to her daily, she’d be lucky when he texted her back in the same day. So clearly, this is just repeated behaviors.
It just kills me. I hate this. Earlier this afternoon, he hung up on me and I was crying and I was just mumbling to myself, cursing and I definitely said “I fcking hate him” – which I’m beginning to believe might be true in ways. Sometimes I feel like I could never be without him, most of the time I don’t even know why I’m still there. Literally nothing is keeping me with him minus the fact that I’m terrified to be alone or that I will regret losing him or some such nonsense.
My therapist has said straight up that some of his behaviors are abusive. I completely agree. And he always turns it around on me and pretends to be the victim. He turns me into someone I hate, someone full of rage and hate when that is not someone I recognize at all?
I need advice. I need to know how to walk away. I love him but this needs to end. I have never felt this suicidal and I can’t imagine even getting through another day of this. I’m also scared because I have a terrible support system so when this does end, I can’t just turn to my friends – they don’t really exist. Not ones that I can just cry on or really talk to, anyway.
How did you walk away? Why can’t I?
- This topic was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by dandeliongum.