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Don't ask. If they have any intentions about helping you guys out, they will approach you about it.
what did they say when you told them you were engaged?
you should mention wanting to set a date but not sure when you guys will be able to afford a wedding. that opens it up for them to offer. :D
Good luck
If you feel the need to ask, which I don't feel you should. Then I would have your FI casually mention that you guys have been figuring out stuff and that your budget looks like such and such and just see where the conversation goes. I know for my FI and I, we mostly looked at it as "hey, we're showing everyone that we can throw a great party and look at how awesome it's going to be even though we have a small budget." It's hard, but maybe you need to consider scaling back just in case it turns out that they don't wish to help you guys out with the wedding.
You know, I've had many friends tell me that they've asked their parents for help... but I just couldn't bring myself to ask.
I tried dropping hints about costs... and flat out telling my dad "this wedding is so expensive!" and "I don't know how I'm going to pay for all of this!" Dad usually replies with, basically, a "that sucks" or change of subject.
So... I just had to assume that my parents aren't paying. I've planned a wedding that I can afford personally... somehow. I figure, if my parents want to pay, they'll tell me.
With my dad, I always wonder if he even knows it's tradition to help their daughter out financially with the wedding... he has no idea about these wedding things. I also live across the country from my parents, so I've found it difficult to ever mention it.
Oooooh eloping, that's a good one! haha!
Maybe you could start off by discussing WHERE to have it. Maybe they will offer to help in order to have the wedding close to them. You could say, "everything is just SO expensive, so we are thinking of having a small wedding here in Phoenix." Hopefully they will help you out.
I was planning on just sandwiches for my wedding, but the FILs frowned on that and offered to pay for catering! Yay!
I asked my parents! I do think it can be done, and depends a LOT on your relationship with your parents. I've always been really independent, and my parents have always been really okay with that. I'm honestly not sure they would have known HOW to offer.
So when J and I started talking seriously about getting married, I called home and told them, very straight forward, that we were going to be getting engaged in the next few months, and that I wanted to keep them in the know (my last relationship I was all about keeping them OUT of the loop, and that was a horrible relationship, so keeping them IN things has been one of the important things for J and I, and is one of the reasons they love him so much). I then said, "I don't want an answer right now, because I want you to have a chance to talk it over, but traditionally the bride's parents pay for the wedding, and I was wondering whether you and daddy had thought about that." They said they would talk about it and get back to me. I stressed also that we didn't have any expectations, and anything they decided was okay with us.
They took about a week to discuss it, and from what I've heard, talked with several of their friends whose kids recently got married before offering us $X. When my mom called, she was like, "You can spend it however you want, but when it's gone, it's gone. So if you want to spend it all on flowers, you'll have to pay for everything else yourself." (Which is totally my mom for you.) Little did she know at that point that she would be growing our flowers in her backyard, mua ha ha ha....
I think it's important not to put a number on it, or make it seem mandatory. I think this is something FI should handle, as they're his parents and it can look weird if they feel like you're asking for a handout from them. So let him address it and basically explain the situation, and ask if they can make a contribution and what they might feel comfortable with pitching in. If you go to them saying "We need X dollars - when can we have it?" it will probably offend them.
I was a total wimp when it came to this, and went the sort of passive agressive route of dropping hints about how expensive it would be. (I feel silly even admitting that I did that!) When we would look at things (venues, etc) and my parents would ask how it was, I would always just say that it was nice, but we couldn't afford it - which was 100% true! Then one day on the phone we were talking about something else money related (renewing AAA, if you must know! :) ) and my dad brought up the cost of the wedding and said they would be willing to pay X amount. I was TOTALLY SHOCKED - it was a lot of money that I had no clue that they even had. So like many of the other bees have said, if they want to help and plan to, they WILL say something to you! With my Fiance's parents, they kept saying "don't worry - we'll help you out with this!" and are planning on paying for a few specific things, plus as things come up that they think need 'upgrading', they're paying for a few of those. (Ie, they think we're cheap because I was going to have one of my friends do my makeup since she is really good at it, but FMIL wants to have everyone's hair and makeup professionally done so she booked that and is paying).
I think that is is rough to flat out ask for cash, but depending on your relationship with them, you could have a frank conversation with them letting them know that you guys can't afford a wedding on your own, and what options you have. If you're comfortable doing that, it gives them options without 'cornering' them into giving you money.
Good luck! Money is such a sticky topic!
If it were your parents, I would say just ask, but since it is your fiance's parents and the groom's family typically doesn't pay for anything but the rehearsal dinner and maybe the honeymoon, I would not ask directly. Instead, when they ask about the wedding plans (let them bring it up!), tell them, "As much as we'd love a bigger wedding, we really can't afford it and I don't have any family, so we are thinking having a very small, simple wedding." Or, if you don't think small and simple thing would tip them off to offer, you could say "we're thinking about going to city hall" or "we'll have to have a very long engagement". Basically, say whatever you and your FI think they would be opposed to so they'll want to intervene! :)
My parents approached the subject with me. My fiance's parents (divorced so it was separate) were approached by him; his dad said to 'drop it' so he did! Just be sensitive if you wait awhile and they don't say anything, or drop hints like the ladies said above. If you approach it in the "we don't expect it but we appreciate it" way then I think you should be fine.
Are his parents aware of your financial situation? I don't think it's untoward to ask, but the conversation ought to come from your FI and should probably be done over the phone, at least. Agree with other bees that it's all about the wording - expectation doesn't sound good, but a respectful request will likely be well met, if not granted.
I think your fiance should call them and ask them. He can say that you two are starting to plan, but in order to get a sense of size or venue, you need a budget, and then ask if they had thought about whether or not they would help out. The worst they can do is say that they aren't --- and even that's better than not knowing, right?
I would figure out your costs and a proposed budget and then call and ask them if they can help out, following up by emailing your wedding plans/budget.
We did not ask either set of parents. I have a large family and usually we all pitch in when there is a large event. I have a lot of nieces so whenever one is turing 15 they have a Quincenera I approach the parent's to see what I can sponsor. Most of my siblings have already approached me and some had not but they will probably end up each pitching in like 200-300 bucks which is not much but it is something! FI's parents are inviting 10 extra guests on top of the ones we are paying for so they said they will pay for that 10.
You really should try to stay within your means with your wedding. Asking for help with a significant part of the wedding...That is likely a lot of $ and unless they are well off you have to understand you may be stretching them beyond their own means and they will feel obligated. It's understandable 2 daughters weddings...it would only be fair...but think about how far that may have set them back.
We went in to our wedding planning assuming we would have to do it all on our own. Then along the way my parents offered to help and my Hubby's did too but closer to the end.
The way we saw it we weren't over spending so the money they offered went to adding additional things on our special day as well as giving us the opportunity to have an amazing honeymoon. Don't stress...just plan as you feel you can do and maybe they will offer help.
A tip though....if they have people they want to invite and you don't know them...well there are grounds right there for requesting help. You are not obliged to pay for their friends and relatives when you are struggling to pay for the people close to you IMO.
It's so hard. On the one hand, I think for one's own parents it should be something they should at least feel comfortable asking, although never expecting. (I mean their parents will still be their parents and love them either way right? It's not like making a bad first impression or something.) But then when I see threads on how to ask parents, something just feels awkward.
I don't think you should do the asking. That has to be all on FI. I don't even think you should be around when/if he asks. I think some other bees had some great, more subtle ways to get them thinking of the wedding. But I might actually take the initiative to look at your own finances and see what you can work with yourselves, and use whatever they might give you to upgrade your budget.
Good luck.
I don't think there needs to be any awkwardness in asking, really, as long as you stress that you don't *expect* that they will give anything. I agree, though, that your FI should be approaching his parents, and you should be approaching yours. You can phrase it as "We are starting to put together our budget, and we would like to know if you were thinking that you'd like to contribute to paying for the wedding at all. It's fine with us either way, but we need to know so that we can plan within the resources that we have available to us."
This is important not just to find out how much money you have, but also because it's an opportunity to talk about what your vision of the wedding is. If there are things that they want you to have that aren't priorities for you, you can suggest that they pay for those things (if you're willing to have them).
Thanks everyone for the suggestions, it has helped a lot. Just to clarify a bit - FI will definietaly be the one to talk to his parents, and as mentioned in my post, I do not have parents or family at all to even ask. We have talked it over and we are pretty sure we have figured out the best way to handle it. :)
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We just got engaged last week, and we already know pretty much exactly what we want but we know we can't afford it on our own. I have no living parents, no aunts or uncles, and my grandparents live in retirment homes with fixed incomes, meaning they cannot contribute to my wedding. My FI's parents have payed for both of his sister's weddings, but we have no idea if they intend on helping pay for ours (since he's the groom). We know we need to ask them if they intend on helping out, but I'm wondering if anyone has any suggestions about the best way to go about it. We live across the country from them as well, so we can't even talk to them in person. Is it unreasonable to hope that they will help pay a significant part of it? How do we ask them without seeming rude?? Thanks for any advice!