Post # 1
I posted a while ago about our pathetic Best Man. Well, to make a very very long story somewhat short, we found out that not only was he talking trash about our wedding, but a few of FIs guy friends came to me and said that BM was trying to get them and some others to hold an “intervention” to stop FI from marrying me! Normally I would think something’s wrong if the BM feels that way, but every single friend of FI is totally supportive except for BM. Anyway, FI is supremely pissed and said that he plans to oust BM after Easter weekend (all of the guys are playing football together and he doesn’t want to start drama. I think it’s a little late for that :P)
So, what we’re both wondering is how he should approach that conversation. Have any of you had to do this before?
Post # 3
Honestly, in any circumstance that is as uncomfortable as this–I think keeping things short and direct are best. I also think you FI should take full responsibility and not use your name or “we” at all.
eg: “Hey BM, I’ve decided to go ahead and make John my best man instead”
BM might say “ok” and leave it at that. If he stirs up more your FI needs to say “John’s been really supportive of the marriage and I want to make sure that my best man has my back…”
But this is SUPER tricky and way uncomfortable for you guys. I think keeping things simple and straightforward will be your best bet.
Post # 4
If I had to kick someone out for those reasons, I would probably start the conversation with something like, “When [fiance] and I discussed our wedding party, we chose friends who are close to our hearts, and who we thought we would always be close to, even long after the wedding. When we decided on those people, we assumed that they would all be happy for and supportive of our wedding. Over the past several months though, we’ve both been really disappointed in your behavior and the number of disparaging comments you’ve made about the wedding and about us getting married – not only to us, but to several other important members of our bridal party, and we can only assume others as well! I know you’ve said in the past that you’re joking, but this isn’t the kind of joke that we find very funny. The things you have been saying are incredibly hurtful to me and [fiance], but even mre hurtful is your attitude and the fact that you seem unable to be happy for us in our happiness. I don’t know if something is going on with you or if you have specific concerns, in which case I wish you would come to me directly about them, rather than acting so passive aggressively and upsetting so many people, but at this point your behavior has reached a point where we can no longer realistically expect you to stand up with us on our wedding day and support us. I never thought I would have to have this kind of conversation with you, such a good friend, in all my life, but I’m going to have to ask you to step down as our best man. We would love to have you attend our wedding as a guest, because we do still care about you, but it’s really important to us that our attendants be supportive of our marriage, and we don’t feel we’ve had that support from you lately – in fact you’ve been more antagonistic than anything else.”
And then prepare for a flood up anger. 🙁
Post # 5
Oh no. So sorry. (I haven’t experienced this.) But if FI feels like he can totally trust the word of the other friends, I’d say he needs to just come out with it. I think it would be good to try to get to the bottom of what is eating his friend.
What would happen if the BM said “Yeah, I said it. I’m sorry. I guess I did it because I had troubled relationships, and have hard time believing anyone can make it work.”? Or, “I’m afraid we’ll never get to have guys night again, and the rest of my friends are married too.”? Be prepare to be on the same page with each other about the situation.
But for the most part, if this friend is just a turd, in general, I think FI needs to just say, “sorry, we need good vibes from our wedding party.” He can say that he does value their friendship, and would like him to come to the wedding. But that having him say such bad things about your upcoming marriage, is distressing to the both of you.
Post # 6
I second VirginiaMarie. Be concise and civil. If the ex-BM probes more, your FI can talk about it further but there is no need to elaborate if he doesn’t ask for it.
I think your ex-BM is immature or subconsciously jealous. Or he has romantic feelings for your FI??!! Sorry.. I’m just stirring up unnecessary gossip now… lol
Post # 7
Thanks for the advice everyone. I totally agree that it needs to be done soon, and the example wording is really helpful. FI was asking me today how to put it, so I’ll give him this to read when he gets home.
@Tanya, sadly, we did get to the bottom of it, and it’s nothing we can fix. BM insists that we’re too young to get married (he’ll be 21, and I’ll be a day shy of my 21st birthday) and that we’re “wasting our youth”. It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life.
Post # 8
I asked my DH about this to get a guy’s perspective. He said that most guys keep it short when they’re about to do somthine dramatic. Just have your FI sit down with him alone and say: “Dude, I heard you’ve been planning to stage an intervention to keep me from marrying MichelleMyBell. I’m pissed that you don’t support my plan to marry her, and I don’t want someone standing up with me who doesn’t support what we are doing. I don’t want you to be the best man anymore, and I don’t want you to be a groomsman. You’re still invited to the wedding, but there’s no way you get to be part of my groomsmen if you can’t support what I’m doing.” Over, done. Not really anything he can say to that.
I don’t normally advocate firing anyone in the wedding party, but groomsman usually rent their tuxes, so he probably hasn’t put any money in for anything yet, and trying to break you guys up really crosses a line. The only one who can put him in his place is your FI, otherwise it just looks like another bride trying to control the groom.
Post # 9
I think your FI should just be honest with him and tell him flat out that because of his behavior, he is no longer needed as a best man. I also think your FI should do this sooner, rather than later. Dragging it out isn’t going to make things any easier.