How do we get over this fight?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@sweet5k:  In my experience, men find venting annoying. They don’t understand why women need to blab on and on about the same thing, yet not actually want to solve anything. If it is something about work or anything non-relationship, I suggest you “vent” to your friends. Otherwise, start the conversation with, “I just need you to listen for a minute.” Men try to solve problems. If you make it clear you’re not looking for that, maybe that will help. 

However, I communicate more like a man so I must say I understand how your partner feels. It is annoying to me to listen to ranting and complaining and yet the person isn’t open to actually solving their problem so I never have to listen to it again. This is why I am not friends with many women – talking to them is too tedious (among other reasons). It’s not his job to listen to you complain all the time but I’m sure a girlfriend would be happy to. 

As for being a social unit in public and always showing support to the other person – absolutely. Is he married to his parents, or you? It is high time he started acting as such. 

Post # 4
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’m sorry you guys are having troubles.  I assure you that the need to vent is common for women, and men don’t always get it. I think in these situations, the best the to do is be honest without attacking. Tell him the way you said it, that sometimes you need to vent, that you love him, and it helps to just have him hear you out. Since you know it bothers him, from your part tell him you’ll try to cut back on it a little. In terms of his family, in-laws can be tough.  Explain that you’re trying your best, but he needs to have your side.  Once you’re married, you will be his family, he needs to start adjusting to that idea. I agree that the relationship can’t be forced. A study showed that all couples fight about the same amount and about the same issues, the difference in the happy couples was that they don’t insult each other, and they really listen to the other’s point of view, ever since I heard that I’ve been trying to apply it to my own relationship.

hope that helps.

Post # 5
Member
9949 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

My husband vents just as much as I do!  We both want to try to help each other “solve the problem,” but we’ve come to understand, about each other, that sometimes we just need to yell about something.  We want to be listened to.

However, it seems that the issue here is not that you were venting, but that you are saying negative things about his family!  What’s that about?  I don’t always get along with my husband’s parents, but I will not say negative things about them to him!  Instead, I talk about how I feel in the situation.  Or post here.  Ha.

Post # 6
Member
4904 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Yup.  Men want to fix it.  They also hear our vents as personal indictments of their failings.

They just want to know what they can “do” do fix it asap.

I find women to friends to better venting partners.

Post # 7
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@sweet5k:  men don’t get venting. They’re helpers, they want to just make it go away. I honestly don’t have good advice for how to work around that. 

As for the parents things. In our house, families are off limits. I can say what I want about my mom or sisters but he cannot. And vice versa. You need to choose your battles with your inlaws and I have found the best way to deal with legitimate issues with in laws is to communicate directly with them about it. I don’t want to hear my husband bitch to me about m mom, but I am fine with him having a comversation with he about their issues.

Post # 9
Member
9949 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@sweet5k:  I think it is fine to say, “Your mom upset me when she said that people who read are fat.  That makes me think she thinks I am fat.  That is why I am upset.”  I do not think it is fine to say, “I know a bitch who said people who read are fat.  WHO SAYS THAT?  WHAT a bitch!”  

Post # 11
Member
8035 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

@sweet5k:  blood is thicker than water. Even though he’s your FI. He can make fun of his family and vent about them but YOU cannot. So just stop altogether venting about his family- call a girlfriend or your mom for that. 

In fact I think that’s my overall advice for you. if you want to run your mouth venting- as we all do- call up a girlfriend! Wait to discuss it with him until your feelings have settled and you’re not exaggerating. 

Post # 12
Member
9949 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@MrsBuesleBee:  Yep, I agree with this.  It’s not coming off in a way, OP, that your fiance is willing to listen to.  

Post # 14
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@sweet5k:  I don’t think your expectations are off at all. I am very surprised that so many people think it’s normal to put parents before a marriage and getting all pissy if your partner politely brings an issue with your family to your attention. Really? My husband comes first no matter what, and he treats me the same way.  That is my expectation of marriage, too.

Post # 15
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@sweet5k:  I am very much like you describe yourself, and my DH is very much like you describe your FI. I vent, he’s a “problem solver.”

This is a classic, learn to pick your battles issue. You wouldn’t be betrying yourself to any degree by just zipping it when it comes to his parents. Unless it is a really huge, going to affect your immediate relationship issue when it comes to them, I’d really just keep my thoughts to myself. Clearly it’s a trigger area for him, and by venting you’re only putting him on the defense. 

Vent to your girlfriends or a sister or to anyone else about them in the future, unless it is directly Germaine to your marriage. 

Post # 16
Member
211 posts
Helper bee

@sweet5k:  do you actually know his parents say anything bad about yout that he would have to defend you? I think you’re making assumptions. It could be that he advocates for both you and his parents in the absence of the other. 

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