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awww I'm so sorry. I understand how you feel, truly.
I think you just do. Like with life you just pick yourself up and do it all over again. You just go on. It's life.
I think for me, I just wanted to start a family and I was willing to do everything to make it happen. Pee on a stick, check my temperature every morning, take my vitamins, quit everything bad, go to a fertility specialist, put my ovaries on a petri dish. There was nothing I wanted more than a healthy baby of our own.And I wanted it NOW.
My husband felt the same way I did but he more so wanted it to happen "naturally" without help. I was getting frustrated that it was not happening but was willing to wait to seek help because he wanted to give "US" more time first.
9 long cycles later we conceived. :)
Now we're expecting our first in just a few short months!
Hang in there girlie!
I'm really sorry that you're feeling this way right now...those first days after AF shows are always the hardest :( We can all relate for sure.
Like regberadaisy said, you just do....because you have to. The end result is so worth it that you learn to just go on and try again. The way that I get through is by trying to be as educated about the process as I can. I do chart and I take my temperature and pee on OPKs. I know that doing all that I can to help it happen at least makes me feel better.
My husband and I also try to plan things in advance to enjoy the time that we have together. When AF shows we plan something simple....an impromptu picnic, a weekend roadtrip, etc. Just something to look forward to.
What I've really learned through the process is that really...you can be a lot stronger than you think you can when you have to be. Hugs!
That frustration and sadness is all too familiar. It definitely doesn't get any easier {in fact, it gets harder} but... you sort of begin to numb yourself to the reality. When I was feeling particularly down after a stupidly long cycle, I went and watched a whole lot of conception videos on YouTube - and reminding myself that the odds of a perfectly healthy couple are still pretty darned slim to create a pregnancy straight up, well, it helped. But then, it didn't help. There's no solution until you get that BFP for yourself. All I'm doing is praying that it'll come soon.
Hey, I am going crazy here myself. I know it's hard. But be grateful you can try! I am having 2 operations tomorrow to possibly cut out a septate then I have to wait 2 months so my uterus wall can build up again. I am so frustrated I can't even TRY until March. The only thing I can say to u is use this time to prepare ur body. Strengthen ur core, get ur body strong. Look at joining a gym. Or join a social club. Focus on making yourself mentally and physically strong so when u do get pregnant everything runs smoothly.
I think everyone who is TTC has been where you are with this. It is hard, it is not easy, but you find ways to just go on. A few months ago, I got my hopes up as well..AF was supposed to come, and didn't show up for 2 weeks later. So talk about high hopes. After that disappointment, I promised myself that I wouldn't even think about getting pregnant. I was going to stop TRYING, and just let it happen. When it happens, it just happens. And when I stopped focusing so much on when I was going to get pregnant, I now have other things to occupy my time. Like I work out more, hubby is teaching me to box, I'm taking much better care of my body, and we still 'have fun' very often without it being so stressful if that makes sense. We have yet to concieve and we are on our 7th month, but now if AF doesn't show up when she's supposed to, I dont get excited. I just go on about my business.. You'll get there girly. Just hang in there :)
@SFreeman2187: I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't know what to say, I just want to send my love and positive thoughts your way.
That's a good question, "how do you deal?"....I don't I guess? I am in denial most months of me not being pregnant. Sounds insane but seriously....I pick out (without buying) all his/her nursery furniture and I think of names...and then slowly but surely a few days later it fades away and I'm ok. I really just live in LaLa land. That's my defense mechanism.
And as far as feeling like were trying.....I try to keep my husband out of the loop. He knows im on vitamins and he knows I test for pregnancy every month....But I don't tell him every.single.detail. because I don't want it to take over our lives. We have sex all the time anyways, we don;t do it just to have a baby on certain days. So I feel like that helps.
Also: 2 cycles ago, I saved up $280 for my dream designer baby bag and when I got a BPN, I used that money instead on a mini shopping trip for myself. I got 2 pairs of pumps and a pedicure. So, I try to treat myself to make myself feel better. I like Elley's ideas of doing something fun to take your mind off of it...like a picnic or roadtrip with hubby.
Honestly? Wine, and lots of it, at least during AF. I agree with everyone, it doesn't get any easier, it just gets harder and more stressful the longer it takes. I would cry on husband's shoulder every time AF came. And then we'd buy a couple nice bottles of wine and go out to a nice dinner.
It's hard, but you have to shake yourself off and keep trying, because the alternative is to just quit, and that's no alternative. Just know that there are a lot of people--on here and in your real life--that have struggled with this. It took us over a year, with a chemical pregnancy and a miscarriage to get a baby that has (so far) stuck.
Things liek this just doesn't usually get talked about much in real life. All you hear about are the stories of how "my husband just looked at me and I got pregnant!" which is sad because it creates a very unreal expectation that getting pregnant is super easy, and happens the second you stop taking BC. You rarely hear the stories of women who took longer, who struggled to get pregnant, because women seem to think that if they can't get pregnant in the first month, or first three months, that there's something wrong with them, that they're broken.
And that's simply not true. The truth is, a healthy majority of couples take 6 months to get pregnant, but it can take a healthy couple up to a year to conceive.
Anyway, sorry for the rant, but please just know that this board is filled to the brim with some of the most incredibly supportive women you'll ever meet, and they've been there, or are there still.
Hang in there girl, and good luck!
I totally believe it also gets easier with time. Overall it sucks more, but the intense disappoint when AF arrives lessens. Every month I try to think of one reason why it's good that this month wasn't the month. Like, October is much better than September because...of a trip we have planned or when the school year starts, etc. It makes me feel a little bit better.
I also think it's important not to put your life on hold and also to realize taht in the long run it won't make any difference if it's this month or 3 months from now (a year or two...YES that does make a difference).
You have to figure out the things that relax you and make you happy whether that's wine or yoga or tea or watching a good movie...something.
Wishing everyone luck.
@Mrs Green Grass: I second your advice about not putting your life on hold while TTC.
Life goes on and yeah it sux that for some people it takes longer but that's life! And I'd recommend getting away from the internet when it starts to get too much.
Some months will be hard and some months will be easier than others, just hang in there!
All the best to you :-)
Wine and Sherbet ice cream. <3 At least the past few times.
In all seriousness, I echo what the others have said. You just get through it like any other hard thing in life. Unfortunately this is one that can turn into an eerie pattern every month (or so.)
I tend to mentally block myself from getting excited anymore, which is sad but true. I am a "facts" person, so I use the factual evidence of my Dr to say, "This is going to take a while." I know we all think differently, but that is what has helped me to wrap my mind around it. The guessing games never worked well for me.
I totally understand and empathize with you - it shouldn't be this hard! Why does it seem so much easier for others? But it isn't necessarily the case. Lots of couples struggle with this, you just don't hear about it as much. It's almost taboo in our society to talk about it because that means you're talking about S.E.X. Tsk, tsk.
I did take mental health breaks here and there. On our 5th cycle I didn't pee on sticks, I never temped. I just had sex with husband like I normally would, which would hit my ovulation date regardless. I got back myself a little bit and got to remember what I was doing all this for, obviously for a baby, but because DH and I loved each other so much we wanted to add to our family. It reinvigorated me for awhile.
I also took breaks from the bee. It was great to have a supportive community, but misery loves company as they say, and it was much easier to get sad or stressed when everyone else was.
And to answer your last question I did give up; my cycle got whacky I was super late with no BFP and I told DH I was done TTC. A week later I got a bfp. I think there's something to be said about being a little more relaxed and letting some of it go.
BTW two things that really helped my husband and I are
1) tackling it as a team. I kept him in the loop about everything. He was my rock. He kept his feelings in check most times to be strong for me. But there were moments where he broke down and I was his rock.
2) We refused to pee on a stick unless I was a bare minimum 5 days late. It's common for me to be a couple days late so we did not want to get our hopes up by POA every single month. That's why cycle 7 was the hardest for us because it was the first month my period was late enough I POA. I think if I peed on a stick with every phantom symptom or I was a day late I would go crazy.
My drive to have a family is what kept me going. The only alternative is to quit or take a break and that seemed silly to me. I am goal oriented so I approached it in that factual type way. I know not everyone can do that, but for me getting my head in that place kept me from going nuts. I hope you find a way to cope as you go through this process- it really is maddening but know that you are not alone!
You just do. Because the alternative-- not continuing and not having a baby-- is just not an option.
It's hard. It's so very hard. But it WILL happen. And like others have said, in the long run, a few months later isn't a big deal. We got pregnant right away but had a MC. So the second time we got pregnant was 8 months later. Sure, it would have been great to be pregnant 8 months earlier, and we would have our baby in our arms by now if it had all worked out. But, in the long run, those 8 months won't affect us too much.
It's hard. It's heartbreaking. But keep your chin up and keep going. It will all be worth it.
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I managed to get my hopes up this month though I really tried not to. It's pretty rare for me to be late so when I expect AF to show, and she didn't, I had some hope. Then another day passed - more hope. Then woke up, another day passing, some hope.... then AF appeared.
I spent the morning crying. I cried to my best friend (who got pregnant without trying and can name the exact day, time, situation), my sisters with 6 kids between the two of them, my mom with 2 biological children that took 7 years to make... And my poor husband. He's out of town on a hunting trip and I texted him the news then refused to answer his calls most of the morning.
I don't want to TRY. I want it to happen naturally. I don't want to pee on sticks every day for two months to find out if I'm actually ovulating. I don't want to track my temp, write on a calendar, take pills - I just want to conceive.
I feel like I know what it's like to find out I'm pregnant. We had a false positive just days before our wedding. I think now that I know how excited and overwhelmed with joy we were its making it just a little harder each month that passes.
How do you guys do this? How do you carry on? Not give up? I'm so tired of crying.