Post # 1
I’ve made a post about something similar before, but I need some help still. FI doesn’t like people. Large, excitable crowds of people overwhelm him really fast, so he’s not a fan of a big wedding. Unfortunately, he wants to marry me and I come from a large, tight-knit, Mexican, Catholic family. In my previous post, the main suggestions were to either elope or have a DW. However, I don’t think either option really works for us. While he would be fine with either, they aren’t for me. I hate sounding selfish and I know that’s how it is, but I never wanted to elope. That’s the one thing I really didn’t want. A DW would be ok, but I really can’t fly. I don’t do well in planes.
This is where we sit, roughly. His family isn’t very big, nor are they very close, so his side will be about 15 people. Mine is around 70. This is grandparents, parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins and cousin’s kids. The bare minimum for family. Add the wedding party, their plus ones and families, we’re at 100. Add in our friends and it’s up from there. I’ve been trying to think of how to reduce the numbers without picking and choosing family members. I want to keep it even across the board, but that makes it even harder. I know that it’s my side that needs to decrease or our friends who need to be cut, but making all-or-nothing cuts also reduces his half of the guests. I feel awful, but I don’t know what to do or how to go about lowering the numbers. I could really use some advice, Bees.
Post # 3
You should stop thinking in terms of sides. You are getting married so it is all our family. Not his family, not your family, just our family and friends.
At the end of the day you need to compromise with the guests list. He is willing to go through with a larger than he wanted wedding and you are going to have to be willing to go with a smaller than wanted wedding.
I would first pick a guest list number that you can both agree to (100 is probably a good medium) and then start the cuts. Do you really need to invite your cousins children? Do you really need to invite your cousins?
Then I would have a look at the friends list and work out who is a close friend, who is a friend and who is an acquaintance. Cut the acquaintances out straight away.
Also are the families of the wedding party their children? or is it their parents/siblings?
How many children are involved? Can you have a child free wedding? Can you have another room for the kids and hire some baby sitters thus giving the illusion of less people.
Post # 4
@HonoraryNerd: Is cutting the cousins an option? I believe this sort of thing is ok, so long as you’re consistent, i,e, invite no cousins (at least none on your side). We invited all aunts, uncles and cousins. (We invited none of cousins’ kids, but none of them were adults anyway). Older BIL invited aunts and uncles, but no cousins. Other BIL invited no aunts, uncles or cousins. Because they were both consistent in who they excluded, there were no hard feelings.
I see nothing wrong with including his cousins and excluding yours. Your family doesn’t even need to know that you’re inviting his (small number of) cousins.
Post # 5
We cut the list by only inviting our BEST friends, and picking and choosing family members. Yeah yeah, faux pas. But many family members have shown their true colours lately, and some of those people I just don’t want there! I would also advise removing cousins. We invited his cousins as he only has 2, and we also invited the cousins only on my dads side (6).
Guest list was painful.
Post # 6
I don’t know if this will help at all, but one of my wedding books said when creating your guest list, imagine running into a certain person on the street a few days after your wedding and think about how you’d feel. Would you be slightly bummed that person wasn’t at your wedding, or would you be really upset they weren’t there? It seems like such a simple way to look at it (and it is), but it really helped me. I know it tends to be harder with family, but maybe it might still help in your case.
Post # 7
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
I’m not sure if this would work in your family, but we only invited our CLOSEST family (only 1st cousins, and if we hadn’t talked to them in a while, then they weren’t invited), and BEST friends. It ended up being about 134 people and 116 came! If I wouldn’t be upset they weren’t there, then they weren’t invited.
Post # 8
No kids at all. They won’t remember your day anyway
Post # 9
@HonoraryNerd: My suggestion would be to cut the kids first, and then eliminate plus ones. Does any of your family have to travel very far? Are there family members you don’t see on a regular basis? I would cut them next.
That is what we had to do, we both wanted a relatively small wedding. To do this, I’m not inviting all my cousins from my dad’s side. They live far away and I’ve only seen them once or twice in the last 5 years. It didn’t make sense to invite them when I had friends who I see on a weekly basis that I wanted to invite. I am inviting my aunts and uncles on my dad’s side to avoid any drama, but he doesn’t think they will make the trip.
I don’t know if any of that is an option for you though. Just a thought. 🙂
Post # 10
This looks like me and my fiancé. We thought about eloping (his mother cringed so we knew it wasn’t something we would feel comfortable doing), we thought about having a wedding with only our parents and sisters (my fiancé wasn’t comfortable with the idea, he felt that weddings are also occasions for people to congratulate his parents, so we should at least extend invitations to uncles and aunts). I finally agreed to compromise on that. But, he has a large family, on his side they’re 40, on my side less than 20. So our decision was : we keep to uncles and aunts + their spouses on his side. His cousins, he isn’t really close to, except maybe the oldest 2 that he might invite. On my side, I don’t have many uncles and aunts, however my cousins and I are close so I will invite them (6 total + spouses).
When my fiancé’s sister got married she did the same (invite all uncles and aunts, but didn’t invite all cousins, only the 2 she was closest to) and nobody complaint. They understood she had a budget limit and that she chose to have guests she really had a close relationship with, and nobody was offended by that.
Remember it’s not about making it all ”equal” on both sides, it’s about having you truly care about (and truly care about you) with you that day.
Post # 11
We cut down our guest list by inviting no children (we called each family member with kids to tell them in advance), no plus ones except spouses or live-in/long-term partners, no co-workers, and no acquaintances (only our closest friends). My fiance’s parents have around 50 friends, and didn’t feel comfortable picking and choosing a small number to invite, so they invited none of them, and instead threw a casual “meet the newlyweds” backyard party at their home a couple months after the wedding. (We all thought this was a perfect solution!)
Also, our wedding party was small and consisted only of family members. (That’s one way to avoid having to give plus ones to single/unattached friends, which you can do if they’re just a guest, but is harder if they are an attendant.) For family, you might consider drawing the line at first cousins (no second cousins), or else you might do it based on the closeness of your relationship. But I find it’s much trickier to cut family (other than having a no kids rule), so hopefully you can cut enough from other groups. Good luck!
Post # 12
@j_jaye: @paula1248: Yes and yes to cousins and their kids. We all know each other and get along and see each other fairly often. The only exception being one cousin and her family but that’s because they live in Maryland and will probably be unable to make it. Another lives in NY with her husband, but she never misses a family event. Everyone else is in state and we see them all the time.
@engleman10513: @kcr526: There aren’t many kids. My neice will be the youngest at 2, the next oldest is my 10 year old cousin and her 11 year old nephew. Then it’s all teenagers and I don’t think you can invite some siblings and not others.
Cutting down the friends on our list is actually easier than cutting family. My family is very important to me and their also very supportive, so it’s hard to say you can and you can’t. My siblings and I are the youngest on one side, but the oldest on the other, so we have second cousins our age and first cousins still in elementary school. It’s just hard. Thanks for the input. We’ll take a look at it again and see what can be done.
Post # 13
If I were you. I would do a family only wedding since overall family is more important then friends. Family joins together, friends don’t join together. A family only wedding would be a compromise.
Post # 14
@outgoingcutie15: I’ll talk to FI about it. I would be perfectly fine with a family only wedding and then having a house party or something to celebrate with friends later. He may have other ideas. Thank you so much for the suggestion, I hadn’t thought of that.
Post # 15
@HonoraryNerd: yea. You should keep me posted
Post # 16
@HonoraryNerd: we cut out children! Saved us a lot of seats