How do you deal with a friend who has a partner you don't like?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
4147 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Tough situation 🙁  Have you tried actually saying “Hey, I want to hang out, just you and me!” to see if she gets the hint?  Based on what you said, her FI sounds like an absolute DB.  Does she know about those comments he’s made towards you?  What a creep.

Post # 3
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

First bit of advice : I know it’s harder to do and easy for me to suggest, but honestly I think the only thing to do is smile politely and ignore him when he makes comments. The only reason I suggest this is because something similar happened with a friend of mine and her boyfriend (now husband), who would ask rudely every time I saw him how much things cost, how I afford ______, ‘must be nice to have all that money’ (I totally don’t – even if I did, gag at the lack of manners…). I think discussing personal finances with someone you don’t know, when you don’t initiate it, is suuuuuper rude, and this was within weeks of meeting the guy. I initially thought, ok, maybe he’s just trying to figure out how I do afford things, but honestly I work hard and save… then he started making snide comments when I’d respond that I did it. I figured, ok this is actually his personality and he thinks it’s totally fine – sounds like your friends guy. Once I started literally ignoring him until he had something different to say or the topic was changed by my patient, but also annoyed FI, he toned it down, or at least shut him up for a while. It never really stopped but it did get better. Unfortunately, that girlfriend and I don’t speak any more but it was for totally different reasons (She had some major jealousy issues when I got engaged, although she was married by that time anyway. People are so strange).

I never EVER told her I didn’t care for him/thought he was rude, and I think that’s the smartest thing you can do. If she asks why you’ve been distant or why you’ve backed off, you can simply say ‘I really love when we spend time together just ‘us’, because I feel like we never get to really catch up when other people are around’, that way you aren’t making her feel like she’s being singled out, and you aren’t accusing or saying anything about her guy. The Vegas thing might hurt her feelings, and I guess the only thing to be done about that is to tell her that you guys figured she wouldn’t want to go without her FI and didn’t want to hurt her feelings because it was important that it be a girls-only trip. Again, you’re not saying anything about him directly, just being honest while side-stepping. I’ve learned over the years that no matter how awful you think the guy is, you have to go along with it because if they ever break up she will remember what you said and might blame you, or if they stay together she will most likely feel uncomfortable around people that she feels are judging her FI (even if you’re not and simply dislike him!). 

I’m sorry – I hope things get better!

Post # 4
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I probably would have extended the trip invitation as “hey, we’re doing a just girls weekend and would love for you to come and catch up but we understand if you can’t make it because you don’t want to be away from SO” – then she’d know he wasn’t invited though if she did come and still bring him that would be difficult but I don’t know if you can avoid the fallout when she finds out she wasn’t invited.  I agree though not to share your viewpoints on her SO though he does sound atrocious!  Those situations are just never easy!

Post # 5
Member
906 posts
Busy bee

I totally know how you feel. An ex friend of mine is dating a girl that dosnt like me and isn’t interested in being my friend. during my friendship with this guy I learned to treat his gf with respect and to be cordial with her. I have a few other friends whose SO’s I may not like but I still extend a invitation to them everytime I hang out with my friend. 

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