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Is it a cop-out to say.... budget?
Seriously though. You need to make budgets for everything to calm your feels. Make a budget for the wedding. Make a budget for the next 16 months (take you through 2010) and one for say the next 5 years. Maybe if you plan things out that far and see ok, we will need to purchase x,y,z and we'll have x income... you'll feel better?
Have you tried a counselor? My FI and I have different views about money - he thinks we should borrow and use debt to leverage and make more money (so if you borrow low and make a high return it all equals out). I don't like to borrow and prefer to pay off debt. Our compromise is that I am going to handle the house budget, but we will make a list of debts together. I will include mortgage, utilities, and other expenses including gifts, travel, 401K, savings (6 month emergency and long-term savings), etc. Then, we have more freedom with whatever is left over and this makes his happy b/c I am not telling him where every cent goes. Hope this helps!
I would recommend a couselor or going through a marriage money book together. Sitting down and budgeting together is probably going to be the only option that keeps you both sane. I would also recommedn giving each of you (sounds like your hubby mnight espeically need this) a discretional income as part of the budget for the expenses. (you woudl get one too!)
My DH grew up with the idea--if it's in your bank account, it's game. I've been slowly showing him how dangerous that can be when you're living in a tight one income/grad school budget. We're getting there!
We also came to the conclusion that we would rather save $xx a month to purchase something later, than pay $xx in payments (+interest) to have something now. This means that he is waiting on a TV and I am waiting on a nice bedframe while we save!
Oh boy, yeah... this is a fight I'm pretty sure you can't avoid at some point. The idea is to make sure it doesn't keep happening. I'm still not sure how to avoid this, my fiance and I don't see eye to eye on how we should spend money either. He's very carefree so he spends his money impulsively and pays his bills as late as possible. This isn't cool cuz his bills are my bills and his money is my money and vice versa, so we need to be on the same page. The other day cable got cut off, not because he didn't have the money, but because he just didn't pay it- I tweaked.
I'm a saver by nature too, I'm always thinking of the next goal. He's still just impulsive and doesn't save! Ah! He claims "he's got a plan". We decided that when we move after we're married, I get all the bills, he hands over his share of the money toward them and we can still have separate funds. It's a struggle!
There are lots of great moey blogs out there that appreoach this topic.
Gail Vaz-Oxlade is doing a series right now on creating financial harmony with your partner. http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/890
Getrichslowly.org has covered different parts of this topic in many ways. http://www.getrichslowly.org/blog/2009/04/13/the-personal-finance-hour-episode-4-couples-and-finances/
There's lot sof other good stuff out there form around the personal finance blogosphere.
I can really relate to this. I am lucky enough to only have my auto debt, but FI has a lot of student loan and cc debt. So I am always worrying about money b/c all his excess savings goes to debt, and we don't have a lot to do things around the house, save for the wedding/honeymoon, and our joint account is always at the bare minimum (to be fair, we only put enough in to cover our joint bills, so there shouldn't be a ton extra in there).
We try to communicate about it and we are on the same page as far as our mid term and long term goals, but the short term is where we are really disagreeing.
Our budget also really helps - we track all our expenses (each of us separate, and joint accounts) on mint.com which I can't say enough good things about. This lets me know if the unexpected expenses I am freaking out about are freak-out worthy or not.
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My FI and I were raised differently with money. He grew up with the attitude of "there will be more from somewhere." I gew up with the "don't spend a cent more than you need on anything or you won't have enough." We are blessed to have good incomes and with my attitude, I have good savings. But I just bought a house, buying a car, furnishing house, etc. (my savings is enough) My parents gave us their wedding gift early- it will pay for most of our wedding. I keep worrying that we won't have enough (irrationally) and this leads to fights. Any advice?