Post # 1
To make a long story short, my fiance has female friends, and that’s cool – that’s not a problem. There’s one friend in particular who has had a tough life. The girl has been though all kinds of abuse (mental, emotional, sexual) and terrible things like that. Therefore, she finds it really hard to trust people and not feel like she’s constantly running from bad things in her life. Well, she’s grown to really trust my fiance. She tells him everything and she really feels safe talking to him. Now here is where I am torn – I completely understand that someone in this girl’s situation just needs a friend. She needs the love and support of a friend who will listen and just be there for her. When I think of what I would want if I were in her shoes, I would want a really good, truthworthy, safe friend I could go to about anything and not worry that this guy is going to turn on me or try to get in my pants. I understand everything very clearly, and I’m so proud that my fiance is that good of a man and that good of a friend that she can count on him. But (and this may be selfish of me, I admint) it makes me jealous. Their hours long conversations, the fact that he tells me all about her, and how she feels so safe with him, and how he wants to be there for her just as a friend to take care of her. I know nothing is going on here, but it still makes me jealous! He’s my fiance and he doesn’t talk that way about me….and we all have heard that “and one thing leads to another” expression. I trust my fiance completely, but I just can’t get the jealousy out of my head. I realize my fiance is being the good person here and I want to be a good person to and support this girl by supporting their friendship and not being the jealous fiance.
How do you deal with jealousy? Any tips? Or writing exercises or anything?
Post # 3
Well first, I can empathize how this is an uncomfortable situation for you. I have very little experience here. But a couple of things that rattled in my head. (And might I emphasize I’m winging it here.)
Talk to your FI, and tell him how you feel. Maybe if you feel like he’s putting more energy into her (because she’s needy) or spending too much time, he needs to make some adjustments. Even if her story breaks your heart, he still needs to put it in perspective, putting you first.
Also, if you don’t feel like he is balancing things well, then his example to her, is probably an unhealthy one. Maybe she’d grow too attached, or have some lofty expectations for a potential husband. She can’t throw all her eggs in one basket. If she feels like your FI is the only guy in the world, who is nice, will she become obessessed?
Perhaps you could befriend her. I’m sure it does her wonders to have a male in her life whom she feels isn’t a monster, like the rest. But she probably also needs female friends.
Most importantly, he can’t be her psychologist. If she hasn’t gotten professional help, she needs that first.
Post # 4
I agree with Tanya. I totally see this from all three sides (yours, your FI’s and the girls). I’m sure she does want JUST a friend, and I’m sure your FI is just being a good friend, but I can also see why it makes you uncomfortable.
I would tell him what you’ve told us. That you trust him, respect him, and love him for being such a good person but that you are having a rough time with jealousy and you want to work WITH him to make that go away. I also agree about befriending her. If she was your friend too, you might trust HER a bit more which would help, and also maybe she’d spend more time confiding in you.
Post # 5
I would never let my FI talk to a female friend on the phone for hours, but thats just me. The only female I dont mind him talking to for hours is his mother, if he had a female friend which he does not, I would definately make sure we are all friends mutually
Post # 6
I would probably be uncomfortable with that, too, with the level of intimacy in their relationship. Even if there’s physically “nothing going on”, the fact that she seems to be comfortable ONLY with him is troubling me – I’d find it difficult to trust that she’s not hoping for more than friendship in this relationship.
On another note, Tanya123 is right, your fiancé can not be her psychologist if this is really what she needs. Even if her story IS heartbreaking, it is definitely not the best thing FOR her to hang on to only one male friend and have him as a confident for all her troubles (sounds more like therapy than friendship).
I also understand you want to be a good person here and don’t want to feel like the jerk who stopped someone in need to speak with the only person she trusts. I second the idea that you should befriend her.
And definitely talk to your FI about this. There have to be some boundaries if you’re not comfortable with this, and it’s not wrong to address that with YOUR partner (not hers – your needs should come before hers to him).
Post # 7
That’s a tough one. Honestly, I think it’s too much on her part.
1) If the girls going to be around I think you need to develop a relationship with her. I have some male friends who can be quite chatty on the phone (not as chatty as your FI and this girl though) but the only one my husband shows any jealousy towards is the one he hasn’t met or talked to on the phone (because he lives half way across the country).
2) Even if she does need someone to talk to, emotional talks can lead to emotional relationships and emotional relationships can lead to physical relationships, it’s just what happens, even if you trust your FI immensley and he has no intentions, it’s just that too often ‘one thing leads to another . . . ‘
3) Your FI should not be devoting more time to someone else than he is to you, it’s great for him to be supportive of someone but you’re his FI.
So I donno, I’d talk to your FI about it and say you think it’s great that he can be there for her but you’d like to hang out with her to so you can be more comfortable and also that you aren’t comfortable with them talking for hours. For me, I donno, I just don’t see how hours long phone conversations with another woman is appropriate for any guy in a serious relationship….it’s asking for trouble.
Post # 8
I’m kind of with Tammy on this one. I guess maybe I don’t handle jelousy very well. I know that if my FI had a close female friend I would be jelous. However; I don’t think the friendship alone is soo much a problem; more the dependancy. I don’t think it’s normal for this girl to be seeking such an intimate relationship with your FI. I would be honest with your FI. Tell him that their friendship has gotten to a point that is making you feel uncompfortable. Tell him you don’t mind them being friends but that calling and having hour long conversations and just being her rock is a little too much for you to handle. YOU need him for that. I think he will understand. I have plenty of “guy” friends; but I don’t talk to them near as much anymore because I wouldn’t want to put my FI in that weird position. I still get excited to see them & maybe even give them a hug when we’re out and run into them; but as far as phone conversations go; no more then a minute or two to make plans to go out with Everyone. I vote talk to your FI. Be Honest. It is kind of odd.
Post # 9
I agree with what everyone has said above. When FI and I first started dating he had ALOT of “single” female friends that just felt comfortable calling him because he would give them good advice about men, some of them would actually invite him out to have lunch to talk as well.
This did bother me, especially because I did not know them at all. I calmly verbalized how I felt and slowly throughout our dating relationship these female friends calling fell by the wayside.
What also helped him to understand how I felt was to ask him, if I had “single” male friends constantly calling me and asking me out to lunch how he would feel…and he suddenly “got it”…lol! He almost “flipped” imagining this..haha! This might also help your FI step into your shoes.
Main thing I have learned in premarital classes is: Communication…Communication…Communication–>If something is bothering you…you have to tell him…because in the long run it will impact BOTH of you.
Hope this helps!
Post # 10
You ladies rock!! Thank you so much for all your help! I really appreciate your advice.
A few things I probably should have mentioned:
– My fiance and I are long-distance. We live about 1,500 miles apart. I only get to see him about once every month or two. Whereas, this female friend is at the same university he is at, so he sees her throughout the day. I’m sure the stress of being long distance and not getting my quality time with him as often as I would like is the source of a lot of my jealousy.
– I agree that she should get some professional help. Her story is heartbreaking, but I really think she would benefit from professional counseling.
– I would love to befriend her, but I don’t live in the same state. I know I would be invited to hang out with them if I were there. But I can’t think of a way to befriend her without being there in person.
I really do appreciate all your help and ideas! Please keep them coming!!
Post # 11
Yeah, with this new piece of information, I think boundaries should definitely be set with her. Probably even “clearer” boundaries than if you were right there. It is not ok for him to spend that much time with another woman while you’re away. LDR are very difficult and it’s even more important to protect the boundaries because temptation is too easy…
Post # 12
Oh man are you my twin???????? Wayyy back 4 years ago my FI had many of these girls with termoil in their background that felt like my (BF at the time) was the only “like a brother” they had. I hated it. Despised it, and thought that it was an invasion of our relationship as a couple. I have never had family issues so we never had a connection like he would have with these other girls. I finally got so fed up wiith it one day that I just said “Enough is enough, If you love me then I’m the ONLY girl you need to be that concerned about.” He told all of them kinda coldly about how they need to find other outlets then him and that Its very disrespectful to go to another womans man and not think twice about spilling your heart to him.
Honey from expierience number one: You DONT deserve this! If you guy is anything like mine, hes wonderful, nice and so kind that he cant turn anyone, ANYONE down. Thats why he cant just be your supporter; he has to be everyones. And thats just not right. These little girls with issues need to buck up, grow up and find the professional help they need.
Just think about it this way…I’m sure you’ve had close male friends. We all have. But the moment they get into a serious relationship are you still calling him like a companion??? No, because you have respect for the other girl. Its time to draw the line.
Your man is wonderful and kind. But dont let his kindness become a burdon. And good luck! I know how this feels!!!
Post # 13
Hmmm….didn’t realize you were long distance. This is just my opinion, but it does come from similar experiences, this is just asking for trouble no matter how nice of a guy he is and how much he loves you.
Take caring sweet guy missing his FI mix with vulnerable girl looking for support and continue to mix for hours and hours…..it’s a HUGE recipe for disaster.
You guys need to talk about this pronto and set some clear boundaries for him and her. I was the guy in this situation (also have been on the other side) and I didn’t even realize what these long conversations were doing to my LDR and I wasn’t even attracted to the other guy! But emotionally he had my time and my bf didn’t. And there’s only so much you can give out emotionally so I became more distant from my bf.
Neither one of them probably have any bad intention but from every experience I’ve had with LDR and spending time with someone who’s close by (both my own and friends) the end is not in favor of the LDR so I’d definately have a chat.
Post # 14
Just wanted to chime in, even though you have some great advice already.
It’s my strong personal opinion that when it comes to a husband and wife, it’s imperative that neither of them has super close contact with someone of the opposite sex that lasts for hours everyday – and this is coming from a girl who’s husband is still in contact with ex’s, and I’m SO not bothered by it at all. I’m certain your FI doesn’t mean anything by it, and while I agree that what he’s doing is nice, he needs to learn that his future wife comes first. And that means no hours-long phone calls with female friends about emotional issues. To me, that’s just not right.
Part of me is also wondering what the gir’s intentions are. I know that when my mom was going through therapy years ago, she developed a crush on her therapist, and she discovered it was a very common thing because her therapist, a man, was like her safety net who was always understanding of her feelings, and my mom had so many problems with men in her life bailing on her. I’m wondering if your FI is perhaps leading this girl on, and he’s not aware of it?
I think a nice, calm talk about how he could be doing this girl more damage than good, and gently telling him that a professional counselor might be of the most benefit. I’m not saying that they can’t ever talk, but one or two times a week for an hour max is more reasonable, I think.
Post # 15
It’s not him that I’m concerned about or worried about or even jealous over. It’s the total lack of respect that other women have for the fact that we are in a committed relationship to each other and have decided that we are going to spend the rest of our lives with each other. It’s the same for guys. Some people just do not respect the committment you have made to each other.
Post # 16
I agree with everyone and think you should talk to your FI. I was in a similar situation (although my DH’s friend hadn’t gone through nearly the things your FI’s friend did). She had low self-esteem, they were BFFs in college (never dated) and they still remain good friends (he was her guy safety blanket…a good friend she could trust). I never had an issue w/ her, she’s a great gal, but I had an issue how she kind of wouldn’t let go of their “close close friend relationship.” My theory is, 50 years down the road, I still don’t want my DH to have this clingon friend that contacted him about everything. I mean, he’s “my” husband, I’m sorry, but I’m not going to share him with any other woman. lol I mean, other than his family that is. lol When we got married, I made the commitment to him that he was the only man in my life. My close buddy guy BFFs took a serious backseat. Thankfully all my guy friends understood. It’s not that I cut them out of the friendship loop completely, I’m just not as available to them anymore. I spoke to my DH (was FI at the time) and felt that by keeping this ultra close BFF relationship with her, he was taking away from the closeness we could share. He backed off little by little and the results have been great. Our relationship closeness exploded in a good way. Before he would share all his BFF stories with her, and now he comes to me. We can sit there and laugh for hours and stupid crazy stuff you normally just talk about with friends. So, we became eachother’s BFFs. He still talks to the other gal occassionally, but not nearly as often as he used to.