Post # 1
My FI and I are planning a fairly small (about 100 people) wedding either in November 2010 or April 2011. We’re paying for most of it ourselves, though my Mom has very graciously offered (read: insisted) on paying for half of it.
She has a few family members in Colorado that I’m not sure about inviting. No hard feelings, I just haven’t spoken to or seen them in years and we’re hoping to keep things fairly small to keep our costs down, and also keep the atmosphere more warm and intimate. My Mom hasn’t pushed the “I’m paying for half, so we invite them” thing and I sincerely doubt that she will, so that isn’t an issue.
We also have a few family members that also live in Colorado that I do speak to, so I suppose it would be odd and unfair to invite some of the family and exclude others. And the odds that they’d come out for the wedding are fairly small I suppose, given the cost involved. But still. I want each invitation to be a genuine one, not just to fill numbers.
Has anyone run into this kind of situation? What did you do?
Post # 3
I didn’t invite anyone from my mom’s side because I don’t know them at all, and she didn’t mind one bit. We cut a few from my FI’s side because he hadn’t seen them in years, so they had never met me, and we just tried really hard to make it about the friends and family that really know both of us well. We were pretty fortunate to have parents that understood this and agreed completely. I think when you’re trying to keep it small and have invitations be genuine, it’s okay to leave people out – even if they’re family. If you talk to some but not others, I’m pretty sure the ones you don’t know/talk to will understand why they weren’t invited.
Post # 4
I haven’t had to deal with this yet, but I plan on going by family level. I.e. Grandma, Aunts/Uncles, Cousins will be invited. Second cousins, or other family members will not. Would this kind of situation make sense for you? Or is your family too big or do you have close relatives that are technically distant?
Post # 5
@CorgiTales (love the name, by the way :-): The latter, close relatives technically distant. The relatives in question are my Mom’s sister, brother-in-law, and my cousins and their children (and I’m actually not sure how many children there are…).
Something that somewhat complicates the issue is that my other relatives (Grandma, Aunt) that live in CO keep in close contact with them, so my wedding couldn’t pass by quietly.
Post # 6
Do you plan on not having a relationship in the future with the family that you are not close to right now? Not inviting them would be indicative of doing so. Is your mother close to her sister, etc? How many more people are you realistically talking about?
If you don’t, and do not plan to, have a relationship with these people, then I see no reason to invite them. I would be upfront with your mother about this, though. The lack of relationship with those family members certainly won’t be surprise to her.
Post # 7
i’m having similar worries… i have a couple of cousins i am close to that i want to invite, all on one side of the family, however this side of the family is kind of fighting (my dad is neutral, so we talk to both sides of the fued… *rolls eyes at immaturity of grown adults*). anyways, the cousins i talk to are on one side of the fued and i worry that my aunts/uncles on the other side will be angry that their kids aren’t invited… OH the drama…
i guess i haven’t really helped you out at all lol… but misery loves company right? haha.
Post # 8
I have some cousins and aunts back east that I won’t be inviting, not because I don’t want them there, because I *know* they can’t make it (hard financial times) and I don’t want them to feel obligated to get a gift for us.
I’m also not THAT close with any of them and I don’t even think they expect an invite.
Post # 9
I only invited close relatives since I have quite a few of them. If I invited all, then I’d be broke. So for those that I barely met and only met once in my life, I did not invite. But those I grew up with I invited to the wedding.
Post # 10
Ugh my mom totally pushed all the relatives I haven’t seen since I was in elementary school onto the invite list. To be fair, my parents are paying for most of the wedding, but it still annoys me because I have to give up those spots to other friends I actually see/talk to and would have had more room to give everyone a plus one. It’s not like my mom sees them or talks to them either. So annoying.
If she’s not pushing it then don’t invite them. The only reason I can see for you to invite them is to placate your mother but since she’s not making a big deal about it LIKE SOME MOTHERS I KNOW, just do what you want.
Post # 11
I am just sending invites to the aunts and uncles. Many of my cousins are no longer living at home, but only one or two will get an invite. I figure that if I invite their parents and they really want to come then they will tag on that RSVP, but honestly, I dont care if they are there one way or another… same with their parents.. I don’t like half of them, I jsut don’t want to start a petty fight over it.
Post # 12
get your guest list together and move forward if/until you get some flak from the parental. If so, say OK, you get X amount of people – choose wisely! and move on and keep your total # constant.
Post # 13
We sent out letters and emals to family on both sides saying we were gatting married and that we wish we could invite everyone, but we are not in a position to do so, but that we would send a photo afterwards. I would skip that second step because it’s retracing steps. Doing it over, I would send an engagement photo and be done with it. But the response was positive, “We don’t blame you.” “Money is tight now a days, we understand.”
The other idea was to send out ‘annoucnements’ afterwards that we computer generated to keep costs down and announce our marriage along with a photo, new address, phone; and say No Gifts Please. The problem with that idea was that they would see it was a formal wedding by our clothes, so we avoided any ‘show and tell’ and decided on the engagement announcement.
Post # 14
Our Rule: If you’ve not seen them or spoken to them in 12 months, they’re not invited.