(Closed) How do you explain to the Univited that they’re not invited but still loved?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you scrap the wedding of your dreams in order to invite everyone important to you?
    Yes, having everyone there is more important than living out your (& your FH's) dream wedding : (6 votes)
    30 %
    No, this is your day & those who love you will understand, even if they're not invited : (12 votes)
    60 %
    ELOPE...there is no right answer so just give up trying to please everyone : (2 votes)
    10 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1246 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2009

    OH wow — that is really tough.

    One thought that pops into my head is, can you just invite your parents’ siblings but not your cousins? That way, it keeps things a little more "even?" 

    Also, how are your parents feeling about this? Do they understand it’s due to budget constraints, and can they speak to their siblings/aunts/etc.? I know my Dad did that several times with people — "We’re working really hard to keep the budget reasonable so we have had to really limit our seating…sorry." Not sure how that would’ve worked with family members, though..

    Post # 4
    Member
    1962 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Is their a particular reason that you are picking certain relations that are at the same level (i.e. one sibling over another).  I think that if you made a blanket rule to invite no aunts and uncles or no 1st cousins, I would be ok with it.  But if you are picking and choosing, I would be hurt, in spite of any explanation.  Now if you have never spoken to these relatives and are very close with others, I would probably change my opinion. 

    To answer your question directly, I would discretely pull them aside closer to the wedding date and say explain your constraints and tell them that you love them.  Lastly, this may not be what you want to hear, but can you scale back your plans to accomodate a larger number?

    Post # 5
    Member
    1732 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    You don’t have to explain anything.  Plan the wedding you want to have with FI.  if anyone says anything to you about it, it’s their bad manners and not your faux pas. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    1246 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I don’t know, Mermaid — I think it’s totally fair for an uncle to ask why another aunt/uncle was invited and he wasn’t, you know? I think the poster is smart to ask opinions on what she should say to them, at least.

    Post # 7
    Member
    3162 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    Well can I ask why, if you knew that your extended family was large and your cousins are like siblings to you, you booked a venue with an 80 person capacity? You obviously made the decision to exclude much of your family when you put down your deposit, so now basically your decision is whether to handpick relatives or just make a blanket rule that only immediate family is invited.

    Personally, I think you’d make it easier on yourself to stick to immediate family if you only have room for 80 guests. Then there is no "why did Aunt and Uncle X get invited and not Aunt and Uncle Y" or "why are Cousins A and B invited but not Cousins C or D" because you WILL (or at least your parents will) have to answer these questions, it WILL cause resentment in the family and general weirdness about your wedding. You’ll want to be excited about it and talk to people about it but it will be the white elephant in the room if certain people are excluded, and that’s just plain awkward.

    Post # 8
    Member
    3332 posts
    Sugar bee

    What about having some sort of reception/party that allows for a bigger guest list?  We suggested this when my ILs were upset with our smaller capacity.  You could just explain to everyone that you weren’t able to accomodate everyone at the wedding, but you’d love to have them at the 2nd reception.

    Post # 9
    Member
    250 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2010

    @Ms.Pascua – I love how you capitalized the "Uninvited" in your message title.  Could make a great title for a wedding horror film.  THE UNIVITED.  Like The Shining, only with angry wedding guests.  I digress.

    Yes.  I feel your pain.  We are having a small destination wedding.  I am inviting a lot of people, knowing a lot won’t show up.  There are also a lot of people I’m not going to invite, or will maybe invite as B-listers if the A-listers can’t come.  (I also hate dividing people into A-list/B-list).  There are some Uninvited girls who are so excited about my wedding, and want to talk about the details, etc.  It is so awkward talking to them – I do still really value them as friends.  But you just can’t invite everyone.

    Post # 10
    Member
    200 posts
    Helper bee

    I like the idea of a second reception: some sort of open house or bbq where you celebrate your marriage with all the family that you love. That seems like a nice accomodation.

    We have only lived in the town where I currently live for the last 4 years, and there are many friends we have here who we enjoy and care about, but who we really wouldn’t have invited if we were having the wedding somewhere else. I just told them all that we were having a really small wedding, mostly with out-of-town guests, and that we planned to have a big party for all the friends here in town that we were unable to invite. That seem to mollify my lot. 

    As another option, my FMIL was disappointed about our small wedding and is organizing her own "pre-wedding open house" party with all her friends. (Seriously, her guest list for this party is about the same # of people as our wedding). Anyway, she’s told them all that it’s a small wedding but that she wants to be able to celebrate with them before the wedding. 

    The whole invitation thing is really tricky and delicate. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    1104 posts
    Bumble bee

    I feel your pain too, with a venue restricted to 100 people. My dad is one of 7, mum is one of 9. I am only inviting 2 siblings from each side of the family (along with their spouses and children). I’d love to invite them all – I’m not particularly close to them, but I went to all their weddings and who doesn’t love a big party 🙂 The people I’m inviting are the most obvious. They are the siblings who are closest (in age and friendship) to my parents, the ones that my parents invite to their own parties. Their children are the cousins I grew up with (rather than the children of the younger siblings, who I probably wouldn’t recognise on the street). So they are the people who have been most important to me. If I couldn’t make that distinction I would probably not invite any of them, and try to have a separate gathering later to celebrate with them. Luckily my sister got married earlier this year and didn’t invite everyone too. I only heard about one uncle who was a bit upset, but I’m sure my sister isn’t aware of that. My mum dealt with it by sending out a pre-emptive email to her siblings saying they had budget and space restrictions so only X, Y and Z were invited. I guess we are lucky to have understanding family members – 3 of mum’s siblings put on a special lunch a month or two after the wedding for my sister and her new husband. Good luck!!

    Post # 14
    Member
    5399 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Would you consider doing a potluck reception after the wedding where everyone could be invited and to cut costs for you everyone would have to bring a dish?

    Post # 15
    Member
    903 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    I second the potluck reception idea. My FI and I considered having a really small wedding (pretty much immediate family only) and then a larger reception where we could invite everyone important to us. We ended up going with a larger, simpler wedding, but I still think the potluck reception is a great way to invite everyone without going over budget. My friend did that and had the reception a few weeks after the wedding, so it gives you more time to prepare, too.

    Post # 17
    Member
    5399 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I think I wasn’t clear, what I meant was to have your planned ceremony and reception.  Then, on another weekend, whenever it worked for you, I would have a second reception and that would be the potluck one.  And to that one you could invite whoever you wanted!  You could easily do this at a park or something that would be of no cost to you.  And as another idea, if your photography package with your photographer includes an engagement session, maybe you could forgo the engagement photos and negotiate it so that instead your photographer is at your second reception so you still get photos with all your loved ones almost as if they were at your actual wedding.

    The topic ‘How do you explain to the Univited that they’re not invited but still loved?’ is closed to new replies.

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