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Thankfully, we worked out a plan. Although, we have yet to put it to a test. lol We plan on doing a 4 year rotation alternating between my family & his family. One year we travel to see his, one year we travel to see mine, and then the other two years, we stay put at home and our families are welcome to visit...on separate years....no way in hades would I combine our families at once in one house.
Can I tell you that I feel the same way that you do about Christmas? I honestly don't care who we spend Christmas with and when, but my mom does not compromise. She refuses to let me go on Christmas day, and it's an issue every single year. His parents have seen us on Christmas day, but only in the morning. I thought that would be fine, but they want Christmas day in the afternoon and evening with us. That's when my entire family gets together. My other siblings go to their respective significant others' houses Christmas Eve as that's when they celebrate. So I'm the only one who would be missing.
There's not compromise with either family, they want us both for Christmas day night, and we can't be at two places at one time. My mom refuses to allow his parents to come over, and his parents have never invited my parents to their house ever. My house is an option, but my mom wants us all to herself at some point. I just can't win. I dread Christmas every year b/c it's just a nightmare.
I'm sorry...I have no advice for you except that I know exactly how you are feeling.
Hah 2peas, I dealt with that all through highschool as well! My mom was always like "Xmas is for your family, you can't leave us today" and my FI would get so upset that he couldn't see me on christmas that he'd sneak over after everyone went to sleep :P It caused so much friction!! Now my mom has turned around and realizes he's my family, so it was nice that she offered to fly out to spend christmas with us, I just thought it was his turn to come to my home, you know? My grandmother loves him and would love to have him at christmas but he says stuff like "yea well my parents will be dead in the next ten years" (theyre older) which makes me feel guilty. But its not like my grandparents will be around forever, and when we get married they will be his family too! He's still separating our families like he doesn't realize what marriage really means. Thanks for the support!
And JsDragonfly, thats what I was trying to work out, but somehow FI always gets his way...
I totally know how you feel! It's frustrating that he won't budge each year and that he makes you feel guilty about not spending time with them. Is it possible to spend New Year's with them and do a pseudo Christmas? That would never fly with my mom hahaha, but maybe you can convince him somehow? I'll be looking for you when it's November and my mom is giving me crap about how we have to spend Christmas with his family this year b/c we have w/ my family every other year. It's not going to be pretty!
Fortuantly my families and FI families live pretty close together, but I totally understand what you are going through. I would suggest working out an alternating plan like JsDragonfly, Year 1 - do Easter & Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas with the other, Year 2 - reverse and Year 3 - Easter with one, Thanksgiving with the other and stay home for Christmas.
My biggest problem is that I am an only child and my family isn't that close, so if I'm not there there really is no Christmas for my parents. But it works out beacuse we invite FMIL over for dinner and FI visits his dad in the morning. I still get slack from FFIL about not going there, but my arguement stands.
Just be happy you don't have 3 birthday's that week too, I don't know what I would do if they cut my Christmas shutdown!
I don't have any helpful suggestions, but I do sympathize. Christmas is the ONLY holiday that my FI will share with my family, and we still spend most of it with his. Family time is one of our biggest issues. I've embraced his but him mine, not so much. He'll agree to do things with my parents (we live within 30 minutes of each of our parents) but fights like a cat taking a bath if it involves my extended family.
It's hard, but you have to learn to compromise somehow. We do a lot of driving around the holidays to be able to see everyone. There's got to be a way for you to share holidays and get into some sort of rotation.
It is a tough balancing act. And everyone (by everyone I really mean our parents) have their own opinion about it and they are stubborn!
I am quite fortunate that both our families realize we have to share holidays between the families now. My parents live 10 minutes away from us and his are more like 2.5 hours away. Two years ago, we did Christmas Eve and Day at my parents and then went out on Boxing Day (Canadian holiday, I think...it's the day after Christmas) to his parents place for a few days. This past Christmas we did Christmas Eve with my family and then out to his parents for Christmas Day and a few days after that. So we just alternate between each family every year, and that is how it is working for now!
We both come from divorced families. We have discussed rotating every 3 years until we have kids. So year 1 we go to mine, year 2 we do his, year 3 we stay at home. We are always the one to travel and we are just so sick of being the ones traveling for every holiday. My DH said after kids everyone will have to come see us as we will not travel at all. I tried to contain my laughter but I doubt that would fly for his family but I'm for the idea. You should be able to enjoy your holidays not have them stress balls.
Robin McGraw has a book on holidays and I just love her advice for how Christmas is about your created family. I know that sounds horrible but it's about celebrating with just your unit the day before/day of. Of course you can go see people before or after but have those couple of days to yourselves.
FFIL lives 3.5 hours away from us, my mother & dad live 4-5 hours away, my sister is on the east coast :(, and FMIL is out west (about 20 hours away).
We try to cycle the holidays. i.e.: Christmas 08=my parents, 09 his dad, 10 his mom etc etc..
But that is not really the way it goes down. We have spent the last two years at OUR apt/house for the holidays, and if anyone wanted to see us they came and saw US because the whole mess of who gets to see who was just way too ridiculous -- and expensive.
If you feel like you or your family time is being put on the back burner and it is bothering you, I would just sugest maybe talking about it, and asking that you spend time with your extendeds next time around.
You could alway alternate xmas/easter etc -- if the ILs get xmas then your fam gets the next big holiday on the calendar.
haha i know.
i myself have two families, 3 sets of grandparents, and then N's family which equals 3 families, 5 grandparents, and us.
i usually just fit as much in there as i can (so different days if possible), and just screw everyone else. they'll be my top priority next year.
Holidays are a mess for my SO and I too. I have a large family and we are close to both my mother and fathers side so basically we alternate. If we are doing christmas with my family, thanksgiving is with SO and vice versa. (My extended family lives far away and we did split one Christmas with both but that was a nightmare, we rushed everywhere and were completely exhausted by the end)
The smaller holidays like easter are spent with our immediate family unless there's a special occasion or plans made by one side of the family and the other is not bothered by it. I love holidays but they are tiring now.
This is such a tough situation! I have no idea what we will be doing. Our families live 4 hours from each other, so sharing the holiday would be really tough.
Last Christmas I told FH that I wasn't ready to NOT spend Christmas with my family, but he was more than welcome to join us, but he felt the same way. It will be interesting to see how things change this year, since we just got engaged in March. Personally, I wish it could always be with MY family, but I think that would be a bit selfish :) We'll just have to come up with some sort of plan and compromise!
This is such a tough situation! I have no idea what we will be doing. Our families live 4 hours from each other, so sharing the holiday would be really tough.
Last Christmas I told FH that I wasn't ready to NOT spend Christmas with my family, but he was more than welcome to join us, but he felt the same way. It will be interesting to see how things change this year, since we just got engaged in March. Personally, I wish it could always be with MY family, but I think that would be a bit selfish :) We'll just have to come up with some sort of plan and compromise!
Christmas is always awkward. The fella and I have been together for 6 yrs now and last year was the first christmas where we spent the whole day together. Every year before that we'd spend the morning together at my mum's house, he'd go off to his family for lunch and I'd stay with mine. Then after a massive meal I'd get in the car and head to his family for dinner! SO MUCH FOOD! And it sucked being apart for most of the day.
It wasn't until my shower when half of my cousins mentioned never hving met FI that I realized he's never really put in the effort to share holidays with my family - and our families all live in the same town!!!
I've been apprehensive about our first married holidays coming up this fall since we got engaged. Fi's brother and his (now ex) wife, also with families in the same town, always spent their holidays separately with their families, including sleeping! That's so WEIRD to me, and I've told FI multiple times I won't accept that. He says he agrees...we shall see this Thanksgiving & Christmas!
Here's what we do and has worked for us so far: I host Christmas dinner. We tried alternating and doing brunch with his mom and dinner with my family, etc, but by the end of it we were just so exhausted and grumpy and we had only gotten an hour to ourselves to open presents in the morning, it just was awful. So I got smart and started making everyone come to us! LOL! Tell the mom's that they've made Christmas dinners every year for how many years, it's time to pass on the torch. I don't find making a turkey to be such a huge deal, and I usually delegate one other dish to each mom and my sister. Sure, we have a full house for a few hours and we get to do all the dishes at the end, but whatever, it's better than playing the family politics game and driving all day. Plus it's great to get both our families together in the same place at the same time! It works out perfectly for us :)
Our families (or rather where we celebrate the major holidays) are always, at best, 3 hrs apart. By the time we factored in holiday traffic, etc, it just didn't make sense for us to try to split time, so we alternate the two major holidays in our families (thanksgiving + christmas) every year.
We're both fortunate that we've been able to take a week off around Christmas, and both families are extremely understanding of the arrangement since they'd rather get a few days of quality time with us rather than a few hurried hours. So for this year, we'll be spending thanksgiving+weekend with his dad's extended family, have an early thanskgiving with my family 2-3 weeks prior. We'll do something similar with christmas (spend the holiday + a day or two with my family and then spend the rest of the week through new years with his). So far the balance has been good and has let us spend time with people rather than just breezing by them. Maybe something similar could work for you?
I won't lie, I was a lot like your fi....and the prospect of spending my first Christmas away from my family in my entire life had me in tears in mid-July when I realized it was "my turn"! But you know, I got through it--his family realized how tough it was for me and did everything they could to make sure I felt welcomed. And you know what? It showed me that I wasn't just marrying him, I was getting his family too. They made me know that they were happy to have me and I was so, so happy to have them. :-)
The first Christmas we were dating, my now husband went back to his family and I stayed here with mine. Every Christmas after has been spent here with my family. This is where we live and I expressed early on that I was not really wanting to travel for Christmas but I would do Thanksgiving with his family. We have done that a few times, but more often than not we end up having all holidays with my family. His family is about 9 hours away and honestly it just seems like holidays are more important to my family and a little bit more fun. Luckily my husband agrees. We usually try to visit his family at other times of the year, then we can spend more time actually visiting. The only advice I can give is to work out a system early on and check in with eachother to make sure it is still working for you. It isn't fair to not get to spend time on the holidays with your family if you want to. Your husband should be amenable to switching off every year.
We're really hoping to host Christmas at our house this year after we're married. It's always a hassle to find time to spend with everybody like my mom and dad and FI's sister and her family and extended family. And last year, my mom pitched a fit because FI and I didn't stop by her cousin's house! The whole day just leaves me stressed out and exhausted!!! Easter and Thanksgiving are the same way!!!
We have decided to alternate the all important Christmas Day dinner between our two families. The first year we were dating we actually went our separate ways on Christmas. This past year we did Christmas Day with his family and the day following with mine. The good news is that both sets of our parents get along, AND are very understanding of the demands, and are willing to be flexible as long as they each have enough notice to make plans. I'm sure that once we are married and settled into our house we'll try to have everyone in the same place.
In your situation with so much distance, it's a different story. Can you make a plan to alternate? Maybe one year Thanksgiving with your folks then Christmas with his. The following year switch it up? That way it's "fair"? I think it's important to start new traditions with your hubby instead of trying to cater to everyone else. In the end he's your new family! :)
Well, we get to do Christmas (his fam) and Chanukah (my fam) and usually they don't fall at the same time (its a closer call with Easter and Passover, but even that isn't really a big deal), so i'm a lucky duck. Sometimes I do feel a little guilty when I spend a lot of time with his family and my mom is home by herself (divorced)... I think this Christmas my mom may come with us to his family for Christmas.
Both my maternal grandparents passed on pretty close together so my side of the family has been a little anti-holiday for the last year or two, but hopefully that will change this year :)
Funny you posted this. My mom and had this conversation 2 years ago.
My parents divorced when I was 21 and my brother was 23 and we have never lived around extended family, so it was always just the 4 of us prior to my parents divorcing. Everyone moved after my parents separated and we ended up back int the town I was born in. No idea how we all managed that, but we did. NOW... We have my father's family, my mom's family, my FI family and my brother's FI family. To cut one out, my brother's FI family didn't like spending the holidays as one big happy family and asked FSIL to not invite us all over again. (GREAT-- feel the love there!) So, FI and I go to my father's for Christmas Eve dinner, then spend the night at my mom's, Mom and I cook breakfast for EVERYONE in her family the Christmas morning (its a revolving door at her house) and then we spend Christmas dinner with my FI family. It's exhausting, but everyone is happy.
Yeah, I hear ya..
FI's parents are divorced and live a three hour drive away from each other in a state we have to fly to get to and there are no direct flights to either of them. My family is an expensive train ride away, but drive even further on actual Xmas day to be with extended family. It's really hard and there's no fair way to do it.
Since my family is so big and it' sa circus and I'm usually ignored on Xmas I'm considering just always goign to one of his parents houses.
If anyone's into Christmas comedy movies... there's one devoted entirely to this issue. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8nzbUR9dgI
We are either going to stay at our home, leave the day after Christmas, or go to our hometown (we are from the same city). Or spend Christmas Eve at one place and Christmas Day some where else (if our families are traveling that year).
We have the same issue. We came to an agreement one year we would spend all the holidays with his family and the next year we would spend all the holidays with my family.
We have yet to put this plan to the test. We always end up running around like chickens without heads, splitting half our day with my family and half with his then going to my other grandmother's house late at night.
I hate that we have to do this and I would not have everyone together in one house! LOL
We spend Christmas with his family, and Thanksgiving & Easter with mine. It was pretty easy for us because my immediate family all lives close by, the furthest being about 45 min, and FI's live in Canada.
OMG this post stresses me out and it's only July.
Growing up I spent Christmas eve with my Mom's extended family, and Christmas Day with my dad's. My parents live 5 hours away, but celebrate with ext family in the area I live in. DH's family lives three hours in the other direction. To add complication, he's an emergency services worker, so often has to work odd hours on the holidays.
Usually if he's off we do some set up that leaves us sitting on a ferry most of Christmas day to spend Christmas eve/morning with his family and Christmas dinner with mine. If he's working I spend Christmas with my family and he shows up for whatever he can.
We're lucky enough to have families who live geographically near each other (with the exception of my sister and her FI who both fly up to see both families around Christmas anyway). Last year we spent Christmas morning separately, went to his family lunch and our family dinner. This year, we're putting the idea out there that everyone comes to us. Our families met when we were moving in together and got on well (luckily) and we hope that by offering this as a solution, everyone is happy 
I am actually jealous of all of the people who's families live far apart. At least you have an excuse to break up the holidays.
We have to visit 5 houses on Christmas Day because everyone lives in the same town and no one does Christmas together. We have to visit my parents, his mom, his dad, his maternal grandparents and his paternal grandmother. So basically, only 1/5 of the houses involve my family, which I hate. We also have a full meal at each of these houses. I dread the day we have children and have to load them up that many times in the car. It already sounds horrible. We both hate the holidays!
Our plan for now is to do Thanksgiving and Easter with the closer family and Christmas the other.
This plan only really works if I get into my first choice Masters program. While we're living in our current town we're around three hours from his parents and 26 from mine. If I get into my first choice we'll be two hours from my family and maybe 25 from his. However, if I get into my second choice then we'll on the opposite side of the country from my family and a 5-6 hour flight from his parents- in which case we'll probably alternate Christmas and Easter.
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I hate Christmas. Every year its this horrible battle to make sure that everyone sees everyone, and we live so far away that someone is always left out. We live across the country from both of our families, and they don't live in the same state so its a nightmare. Here's how the past couple of years went.
This past year, we spent christmas together and saw our families separately afterwards.
The year before that, we spent it at his family's house, and I forewent christmas.
The year before that, my parents came out to visit, and we went to his family's house for thanksgiving.
The year before that, we were spending our christmases completely separate.
Do you notice a trend here? My FI has not spent christmas with my extended family yet. We've been together 8 years, and we get married next year, so I wanted to spend christmas with my family and really make him feel welcomed. I have a much larger family than he does, like I already have to deal with two separate christmases. Now I have 3!! And so someone always loses. FI is about to get a new job, and the days he has off will be different from mine, with just christmas eve and christmas matching. When my parents last visited, they said they wanted to come out and spend christmas here, which at the time sounded good because I didn't know when I'd have off. I found out I have a whole week off, so I told them, and they were excited to have us come out. He brings up the few days he has off and says "I want to see my parents". I totally get that, he loves them, but he hasn't spent a christmas with my family yet!! He said he'll see them for the wedding, and it won't be a big deal, but I feel like I'm sensing a trend that we're going to have to spend christmases separately because his family always comes first. Am I overreacting? When we're married will it change? Should I spend christmas with his family and then jet up to mine for the rest of the week? I want to do wedding things during that time because I won't have any other days off to do it (showers, trials, etc). I HATE CHRISTMAS.