(Closed) How do you handle the holidays with multiple families?! Long, sorry

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Thankfully, we worked out a plan.  Although, we have yet to put it to a test. lol  We plan on doing a 4 year rotation alternating between my family & his family.  One year we travel to see his, one  year we travel to see mine, and then the other two years, we stay put at home and our families are welcome to visit…on separate years….no way in hades would I combine our families at once in one house. 

Post # 4
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

Can I tell you that I feel the same way that you do about Christmas? I honestly don’t care who we spend Christmas with and when, but my mom does not compromise. She refuses to let me go on Christmas day, and it’s an issue every single year. His parents have seen us on Christmas day, but only in the morning. I thought that would be fine, but they want Christmas day in the afternoon and evening with us. That’s when my entire family gets together. My other siblings go to their respective significant others’ houses Christmas Eve as that’s when they celebrate. So I’m the only one who would be missing.

There’s not compromise with either family, they want us both for Christmas day night, and we can’t be at two places at one time. My mom refuses to allow his parents to come over, and his parents have never invited my parents to their house ever. My house is an option, but my mom wants us all to herself at some point. I just can’t win. I dread Christmas every year b/c it’s just a nightmare.

I’m sorry…I have no advice for you except that I know exactly how you are feeling.

Post # 6
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

I totally know how you feel! It’s frustrating that he won’t budge each year and that he makes you feel guilty about not spending time with them. Is it possible to spend New Year’s with them and do a pseudo Christmas? That would never fly with my mom hahaha, but maybe you can convince him somehow? I’ll be looking for you when it’s November and my mom is giving me crap about how we have to spend Christmas with his family this year b/c we have w/ my family every other year. It’s not going to be pretty!

Post # 7
Member
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Fortuantly my families and FI families live pretty close together, but I totally understand what you are going through. I would suggest working out an alternating plan like JsDragonfly, Year 1 – do Easter & Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas with the other, Year 2 – reverse and Year 3 – Easter with one, Thanksgiving with the other and stay home for Christmas.

My biggest problem is that I am an only child and my family isn’t that close, so if I’m not there there really is no Christmas for my parents. But it works out beacuse we invite FMIL over for dinner and FI visits his dad in the morning. I still get slack from FFIL about not going there, but my arguement stands.

Just be happy you don’t have 3 birthday’s that week too, I don’t know what I would do if they cut my Christmas shutdown!

Post # 8
Member
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I don’t have any helpful suggestions, but I do sympathize.  Christmas is the ONLY holiday that my FI will share with my family, and we still spend most of it with his.  Family time is one of our biggest issues.  I’ve embraced his but him mine, not so much.  He’ll agree to do things with my parents (we live within 30 minutes of each of our parents) but fights like a cat taking a bath if it involves my extended family. 

Post # 9
Member
1732 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

It’s hard, but you have to learn to compromise somehow.  We do a lot of driving around the holidays to be able to see everyone. There’s got to be a way for you to share holidays and get into some sort of rotation.

Post # 10
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

It is a tough balancing act.  And everyone (by everyone I really mean our parents) have their own opinion about it and they are stubborn!

I am quite fortunate that both our families realize we have to share holidays between the families now.  My parents live 10 minutes away from us and his are more like 2.5 hours away.  Two years ago, we did Christmas Eve and Day at my parents and then went out on Boxing Day (Canadian holiday, I think…it’s the day after Christmas) to his parents place for a few days.  This past Christmas we did Christmas Eve with my family and then out to his parents for Christmas Day and a few days after that.  So we just alternate between each family every year, and that is how it is working for now! 

Post # 11
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

We both come from divorced families.  We have discussed rotating every 3 years until we have kids.  So year 1 we go to mine, year 2 we do his, year 3 we stay at home.  We are always the one to travel and we are just so sick of being the ones traveling for every holiday. My DH said after kids everyone will have to come see us as we will not travel at all.  I tried to contain my laughter but I doubt that would fly for his family but I’m for the idea.  You should be able to enjoy your holidays not have them stress balls.

Robin McGraw has a book on holidays and I just love her advice for how Christmas is about your created family.  I know that sounds horrible but it’s about celebrating with just your unit the day before/day of.  Of course you can go see people before or after but have those couple of days to yourselves.

Post # 12
Member
2829 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

FFIL lives 3.5 hours away from us, my mother & dad live 4-5 hours away, my sister is on the east coast :(, and FMIL is out west (about 20 hours away).

We try to cycle the holidays. i.e.: Christmas 08=my parents, 09 his dad, 10 his mom etc etc..

But that is not really the way it goes down. We have spent the last two years at OUR apt/house for the holidays, and if anyone wanted to see us they came and saw US because the whole mess of who gets to see who was just way too ridiculous — and expensive.

If you feel like you or your family time is being put on the back burner and it is bothering you, I would just sugest maybe talking about it, and asking that you spend time with your extendeds  next time around.

You could alway alternate xmas/easter etc — if the ILs get xmas then your fam gets the next big holiday on the calendar.

Post # 13
Member
1405 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

haha i know.

i myself have two families, 3 sets of grandparents, and then N’s family which equals 3 families, 5 grandparents, and us.

i usually just fit as much in there as i can (so different days if possible), and just screw everyone else. they’ll be my top priority next year.

Post # 14
Member
4356 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Holidays are a mess for my SO and I too. I have a large family and we are close to both my mother and fathers side so basically we alternate. If we are doing christmas with my family, thanksgiving is with SO and vice versa. (My extended family lives far away and we did split one Christmas with both but that was a nightmare, we rushed everywhere and were completely exhausted by the end)

 

The smaller holidays like easter are spent with our immediate family unless there’s a special occasion or plans made by one side of the family and the other is not bothered by it. I love holidays but they are tiring now.

Post # 15
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

This is such a tough situation!  I have no idea what we will be doing.  Our families live 4 hours from each other, so sharing the holiday would be really tough.

Last Christmas I told FH that I wasn’t ready to NOT spend Christmas with my family, but he was more than welcome to join us, but he felt the same way.  It will be interesting to see how things change this year, since we just got engaged in March.  Personally, I wish it could always be with MY family, but I think that would be a bit selfish 🙂 We’ll just have to come up with some sort of plan and compromise!

Post # 15
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

This is such a tough situation!  I have no idea what we will be doing.  Our families live 4 hours from each other, so sharing the holiday would be really tough.

Last Christmas I told FH that I wasn’t ready to NOT spend Christmas with my family, but he was more than welcome to join us, but he felt the same way.  It will be interesting to see how things change this year, since we just got engaged in March.  Personally, I wish it could always be with MY family, but I think that would be a bit selfish 🙂 We’ll just have to come up with some sort of plan and compromise!

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