How do you handle times when you feel emotionally distant from your spouse?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1994

I used to put my financial success before my relationships (family, friends, etc.)

I don’t now because I’ve realized how uncertain life is after meeting my husband (he has a genetic condition that in almost all cases results in a shorter life span). 

I don’t know if that is really helpful to you or not, but just something to think about. 

 

Post # 4
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My husband and I have really demanding jobs. Lots of night shifts and weekends.

We noticed that this would make us very distant.

We talked about it and made sure we made time for each other.

When we were really time short, we made sure we ate at least one meal a day together.

When we had a bit more time, we have a date night; this used to be weekly but I think it happens about once a fortnight or maybe a bit less now.

At the end of the day, we just had to make it a priority.

Post # 5
Member
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@freshflowers:  Commenting to follow. I am kind of in the same boat, not as extreme, but DH and I have limited time together and are so stressed out by various circumstances that it takes up all our time together just to vent, hash things out, and work on problems. 

Post # 6
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@freshflowers:  I would designate in person time as fun time during the period. It isn’t the time to bring up issues and fight, it is time to enjoy each other, remember why you fell in love in the first place, and have fun. There will plenty of time to talk during the new year when retail is notoriously slow. I’m all for open communication but you also need some time together where everything isn’t so serious and glum. 

My husband used to be on shifts and thankfully that has changed. However, when he was I made a point to write him a letter before I went to bed. I’d tell him about my day, funny things the puppy did, and put any “issues” on his radar. He would write back when he got home and I’d read it in the morning. I love writing – I do it for a living – so this really worked for us and kept us connected. We actually resolved an issue over letters, which was great because we could enjoy the weekend together! 

Make it a priority and it will all work out. 

Post # 7
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@freshflowers:  FI and I are dealing with this now. He works long hours and leaves the house at 4am. I’m in school full time and leave the house at 4pm, before he gets home, and getting home at 11pm, well after he has gone to sleep. Weekends are crazy – if we aren’t going somewhere for the weekend he is working or he is working on remodeling the house.

We have found that you have to make the few moments you have together count. A big part of this is sex – if we’re not having sex due to our crazy schedule, then the moments we have together are often tense. We miss each other like crazy but it turns into feeling neglected and distant from each other. Now, when we have a couple minutes, our conversation goes like this:

‘”How long do you have?”

“Five minutes, you?”

“Five minutes.”

*Strip off all clothes

It may seem crazy, but if you can push those feelings aside and just remember why you love each other (and for us, remember why we are in the situation we are in – to better our lives together) then those feelings of being neglected/taken for granted/etc never come back. Then we can talk about those issues we need to address without coming at it in a defensive position. Instead of hashing things out first and then spending quality time together, we flip the script. Amazingly, by doing this, the hashing out is so much easier and is over quicker. It just puts us in the right mind to talk about issues and deal with them in a calm manner. Then, before you know it, we’re back to just enjoying spending time with each other! 🙂

It’s still not easy, and there are times when we still have a hard time. We both recognize that is stems from not seeing each other and missing each other but we have to constantly remind each other of that.

Post # 8
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@freshflowers:  My FI works a very demanding job, especially now that winters here, he often puts in 14 and 16 hour days, which leaves hardly any time if all for us to spend together.  We try and do the everyday things together in order to make up for that time.  For example, we actually shower together regularly, it’s our time to reconnect and catch up and even if he comes to bed much later than me, we make it a point to spend a few minutes just cuddling.  We also do sweet things for one another, for example if he leaves first and has time to swing by the house before I leave for work he’ll surprise me with something from Starbucks.  I leave him little notes in his lunch as well, just as a quick little reminder of how much I love him.

Post # 9
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

We are in a similar, though less extreme, situation of Mr. Lk putting in extra hours at work. One Bee advised me to make sure we connect physically. Sex, yes. But more that that, just hugging more, holding hands more, snuggling more. It helps break down the barriers we put up when we are tense, and it’s much harder to be in argument mode when you are holding each other tight. I’ve started taking this advice, and I am definitely feeling better for it. Since your SO works from home, can he maybe carve out a few moments for some good hugs and kisses every few hours during work?

Post # 10
Member
8418 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@freshflowers:  We’re not in the same situation as you, but we do enjoy spending time with each other, so we try to maximize it.  My husband and I share the same hobbies, so we’ll cook, play video games, watch movies, etc. together and try to spend all of our “down” time doing something we can both enjoy.  We also shower together everyday, it’s a nice way to be physically intimate, but not necessarily in a sexual way.

Post # 11
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@freshflowers:  Are we married to the same guy?

My DH also works from home, and works 80+ hours a week (Yuck.)

I make sure he has a GREAT home cooked breakfast/lunch/dinner, eat my meals when he eats his (just in case he feels like talking) and I spend extra time on WB! So I’m socially connecting, and not bothering him!

Post # 12
Member
929 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

One of the things that my husband and I committed to do before we got married was to find some type of marriage retreat each year which helps us focus on our relationship and keep US on track.  We are blessed that within two months of us getting married to the day, we will be attending a  marriage retreat weekend (this Friday-Sunday) that we won on a local radioi station. 

Second is, you have to pick and choose your battles, we all want to discuss issues, but you have to ask yourself, is it really an issue…. everything that occurs or bothers us doesnt require being addressed because sometimes this issue is US… Just my personal experience. 

If your time that you have together is limited, don’t use it sweating small stuff, instead focus on the positive things that are in your relationship….  you are blesed to have a future hubby who will be providing for you and your family,  encourage him in that process. 

I have learned with my hubby, if I ecnourage him when times are busy and rough and talk about the wonderful things he does, he has a way of reciporacating and making sure that we have the time together. 

For us we have decided God First, then on relationshipship with each other second, family, friends etc. etc.

Put the priorities in place as a couple..

 

Best Wishes to you and yours.

 

Post # 13
Member
929 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@housebee:  OH, I loove the Shower idea…. that is totally awesome!!!

Post # 14
Member
929 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@lovekiss:  Yeah I agree with this…. Surprise him with a love note…..

Post # 15
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@freshflowers:  Okay this is a little TMI but it works for me and DH

Can you get time alone and ask your DH to lay with you naked? Seriously, just lay together naked and hold each other. Keep it from being sexual, just be there together. Tell him you miss him and ask him how things are going. Don’t bring up issues and just fix them. 

My DH has no sex drive and he did alright for a few weeks and then went through another LONG dry spell. I was hurt and we were falling apart again like we always do. I suddenly just felt so apart for him and jist wanted to be really close again. Then I asked if we could just hold each other naked and he agreed. We just layed there and talked. No sex, just intimacy and even though we didn’t fix his sex drive we did fix the distance that was growing. 

Post # 16
Member
855 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

I was a housewife for a long time, so I never had that feeling

I went back to work in November and I’ve had that feeling more times than I’d like. We work similar hours (kind of) but we go to work, we’re tired, just bought a new house so he’s working on projects and I’m asleep early.

So what do I do when I’m feeling emotionally distant? TELL HIM. My husband would move the earth to make me happy. We talk through it and then make sure to carve out some extra time on the weekend when things aren’t as rushed or we’ll cancel our weekend plans and just spend it together.

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