(Closed) How do you justify your remarriage?

posted 8 years ago in Encore
Post # 3
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m not an encore nor do I have kids, but I do have to say that I think it is much easier for women today to be single mothers and still respected by society. My grandmother wasn’t divorced, but my grandfather died when my dad (the eldest kid) was only 10. My grandmother remarried a total jackass that none of the kids liked. When my grandma got breast cancer for the second time he took her money in a divorce and just left them. 

I don’t know, because I wasn’t there, but I wonder if in today’s social climate she would have been so fast to marry that guy. I know that she was probably trying to provide for her kids, but unfortunately when she died, my dad had to take on the brunt of the financial burden so that his two younger sisters could go to college. 

Post # 5
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

All I can say is everyone is different, some people make decisions based more on their emotions rather than on logic. My FI and I have a son and I have one from a previous marriage (5 mos and 9 yrs when this happened)…well, the stress of a new baby, a new house, new job, and planning a wedding really got to us and we were fighting alllll the time. But I chose to stay and work it out because that is what is best for our children. When I am making a “romantic” decision, I always think about how this is going to effect my sons in the future. I don’t believe your mother was doing this, sound like she was following her heart (emphasis on HER). But you are grown now, correct? And every decision that your mother made in your past has molded you into the person that you are…like they say “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger” you have to go through things that at the time, suck, but you learn lessons from everything that you go through.

I hope this helps, even a lil. Stay strong and try to forgive her, what’s in the past is the past, it can’t be changed, so move on and see it as a learning experience, now you know to NOT do those things to your children.

Post # 6
Member
2825 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Both of my parents were married previously before marrying eachother.  My mother had two kids with her first marriage and my dad had none.  My parents were high school sweethearts and after their divorces were “set up” at a mutual high school friend’s wedding.  They really hit it off.  Dated for a while, then got married, and had me… shortly after my dad adopted my sisters because their father is horrible.

Fast forward a few years, after 13 years of marriage they got divorced.  They just didn’t love eachother like husband and wife anymore, just as friends… maybe even like you love a family member.  They dedided to make it as amicable as possible.  And they did they still get along.

However, though they are both in loving relationships now- my mom wouldn’t like to get remarried, and my father recently has.  I think it just depends on the person.

As for your mother, maybe she was afraid to be alone… it was definitely selfish of her to get married so quickly with no regard to her children…  But I don’t think getting remarried has to be “justified”…  My boyfriend is divorced because of his ex wife’s adultery, he would like to get married again because he believes in the sanctity of marriage.

Post # 7
Member
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think there are women who think that their whole worth depends on them being in a relationship.  And that is sad, and horrible for the children, no matter whether they end up divorced or not.

My mother was the type who felt the same way, but never got divorced.  She and my father have now been married for nearly 60 years.  Sweet, right?  Except that my father has been an alcoholic since before they were married, and molested each of his daughters daily for several years.  When I tried to tell my mother this while it was going on, she basically told me I didn’t know what I was talking about.  When my sister and I together told her later on, she responded with, “That can’t be true, because he denies it.”  When my brother joined in to say that he knew about it at the time, she started alternating among, “It was your fault, because you led him on,” “It wasn’t all that bad,” and “The poor man is sick and can’t help himself.”

By contrast, I believe in the sanctity of marriage, but ended up divorced anyway because my ex walked out.  When I remarried (after many years of being single), it was to someone whom I love, and who also loves and is loved by my kids.

Post # 8
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

my grandma divorced my biological grandfather after they lost their estate and some more due to his alcoholism. after a few years, she remarried my “grandpa” and lived happily ever after.
my grandma also changed her religion several times. from one buddhist sect to another to catholicism (complete with a baptism!), and in the end, she just became agnostic.

people do these “drastic” environment changes to give themselves a new start.

Post # 9
Member
7305 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

People get divorced and remarried for a variety of reasons, so its hard to generalize.  I got divorced because my ex cheated and left me for a flight attendant.  I am getting remarried because I have found a wonderful man who loves me and my daughter immensely.  Your mother’s behavior seems to lack common sense and compassion for her children.  But lots of people get remarried and the children love their step-parents.  My FI loves his stepmother as much (if not more) than his biological mother.   I think rather than just “remarriage”, I can’t believe how some people justify their 1st marriage- like 2dbride’s situation.  I think some women are jsut scared to be alone.

Post # 10
Member
7054 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think that the word “justified” is sorta wrong imho.

My marriage to T does not have to be justified for any reason.

However, there are some marriages imho that make me go “ummmm.”  Whether the first or a remarriage.

I’ve seen people marry too quickly, I’ve seen over my lifetime people marry out of obligation, and I’ve seen people remarry so quickly (that would be my ex husband) that everybody around him went “ummmm” since it was within a few days of our divorce and confirmed to everyone he was a cheater.

Ours is just our marriage.  We dated for a good long while, we both were quite careful about the sitution with our kids and didn’t want them to feel it was “add water instant family” type of situation.  Ours is based on love and principles and we are in it forever.

I am sorry your mom did something rather hurtful, Future Mrs. Taylor, and would like to say I share your feelings because recently my mother remarried and didn’t even inform my sister or myself that she was marrying this guy (somebody our family didn’t really like or approve of).  Well we have a stepdad we will never see, and he’s a guy who was never really ever even wanting to be a stepgrandfather to our kids either. 

Being an encore bride, I know that my childs’ feelings were taken into consideration and that if he were not on board with things too, I probably might not be getting married.  It is very very important that my son is a top priority, equal to the marriage, after all he was here long before my fiance was.  My son also didn’t ask for his dad to do what he did either.

I was never one who thought they’d ever divorce in the first place, but was handed a very negative situation by my now ex husband, and was a single mom in her early 30’s and had to navigate through that for seven years.  Had I not met my fiance, I’d probably be a happy single mom still.  I was always respected for being a good single mom and felt no ostracization at all. 

I think that when you become a parent, that you are not given a mulligan on that.  I believe that as a mom, I had to make good choices for my son and that was that.  In no way do I consider it ok to put a guy or somebody I’d date above that and in dating T, we both put our children at the top in our lives and this is why we’re successful in our relationship and will be successful in our marriages–our priorities are straight and we are grounded.

Therefore, having to justify anything about our relationship is simply not valid.  People who know us, our situations (both our ex spouses cheated) and how we are great parents, are cheering us on and excited for our wedding!

Post # 11
Member
2271 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I just got married for the third time. Never thought I would and wasn’t looking to get married again, just sort of happened. I only have 1 daughter and she died several years ago but she was an adult anyway so I don’t think she would have influenced me as to marry or not. All I can say is that at this stage in my life, I rarely feel like I have to justify ANYTHING I do. I follow my conscience and sleep very very well at nite. Now there was some snide comments about me wanting a wedding “at your age” but I ignored those comments and had a very happy and wonderful wedding.

Post # 12
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m sorry your mother behaved the way she did, FutureMrs.Taylor, but I think that’s more of a case of her making bad relationship choices rather than something you can generalize all remarriages with.  There are women who just go from man to man without any regard for their children or the other people they may be affecting, but then there are women who approach every relationship with the utmost care and discerning and always put their children first (and tons of people who fall somewhere in the middle of that spectrum). 

Take my mom for example.  My dad was a jerk, he cheated for a long time and then left one day.  She was amazingly strong and did everything she could to make her kids lives as good as possible.  She always put us first.  But I was always sad that she was alone.  She doesn’t want to marry again (and I can understand why) but as her kids are growing up and moving out, it makes me sad that she won’t have a special love to enjoy her golden years with.  In our case, I think me and my siblings would all be thrilled if she was to remarry.  We would be really happy for her, and she certainly wouldn’t need to justify anything.

So I guess it just depends on the situation, and the care with which it is done.  Certainly remarriages, especially when there are children involved, need to be approached with care, but I think they can be a source of great happiness for families if done right.

Post # 13
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee

I’m an encore that chose divorce.  You can read about my “story”  HERE.  (Comment 36)

Being a single mom is hard, yes, but I have to completely agree with Bellenga –  My marriage to FI in October  does not need to be justified and I am thankful that after 31 years on this earth, I have found the person I was meant to be with. 

My personal belief is that we have to go through certain things in our lives to be ready for what’s in our future.  I would not love FI the way I do if I hadn’t been through so much, simply put.

People can make poor choices at ANY point in their lives, though those healing from something (divorce, death, drama, whatever) seem to be more vulnerable and can seek out relationships as a fix-all. 

Post # 14
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I’m with the people who don’t think your story has anything to do with remarriage.

As a daughter I know that if my mom divorced I would hate the idea of her being alone for the rest of her life – I would be horrified if she decided not to marry because of me. 

I think women’s lives don’t stop after forty and they don’t stop when they have children.  Children have an absolute right to food and shelter, education and emotional support and the absolute absence of any type of abuse.  Children IMO do not have the right to have their parent’s lives structured and determined around their existance and wishes.

Post # 15
Member
2271 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Oh women’s lives definitely do not stop after 40! Despite what many magazines would have you believe. For example, in one magazine they were talking about skin care and stopped after forties. WTF? Like I turned 50 and I don’t exist anymore!

I met my hubby at the not so tender age of 47. We still enjoy camping, hiking, canoeing, music festivals, concerts, plays, cook-outs, etc. I have friends that range in age from 18 to 89 years old! I have tons of stuff I still want to do!

My biggest beef about getting older is this new-found fat ABOVE the waist. None of my ab workouts seem to be able to address this area!

Post # 16
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think it depends on each person.

I married very very young, 16, because I was pregnant and I was told it was the right thing to do. Sure I loved the guy but really I was only 16, what the heck did I know?

At 20 and 2 kids in, we divorced. We were young and just not ready for it. We tried, we tried so hard to make it work but we just couldn’t.

The following year I rushed into a marriage with my best guy friend when he returned home from Iraq and moved myself and my kids from Georgia to Kansas. 2 months later he disappeared. Straight up AWOL, disappeared. The Army and I were both quite peeved let me tell you. He contacted me a few years after the fact and apologized profusely for his actions but he was dealing with ptsd and didn’t know what to do.

I moved my kids from Kansas to Illinois with me, where I could start over near my mom(I grew up with my dad). I got back onto my feet and married my now husband, and we’re renewing our vows this fall with the wedding and reception we couldn’t have 2 years ago(finances, family not able to attend, etc). We planned everything 2 years ago and everyone knew what we were doing and why.

My kids don’t remember it happening. Are they still affected by it? yes. Do I hate what I’ve done to them? Surely do. Can I do anything to change it? nope, not a thing.

Do I need to justify my actions? no.

I did not intentionally do any of those things to them. They were both really young when it all went down. They don’t remember a time without my husband in their lives. He is their daddy, their father is in and out of their lives and they refer to him by his first name by their choice and he doesn’t seem to care. I never put them in any danger. I’d known my 2nd husband since I was in my early teens and we were always close. When I met my current I just knew.

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